WHAT IF...

This whole Donald Trump thing is a high-level move in the upper echelons of the Republican party to make it look like they're sensitive to women's issues without actually having to support women's issues?

Think about it. They can all have Megyn Kelly's back after Trump's "blood coming out of her wherever" remark and ban him from meetings and organizations in protest.

Trump gets shut out of the race, goes back to being a professional asshole, and the party-backed candidate can step up.

Their Great White Hope would be that people (mistakenly, despite voting records) believe that the GOP supports women and they win the White House.

If they win the White House, Trump gets favors. Lots and lots of favors. 

Scary thought.

Head bonks

I read somewhere recently that when a cat head-bonks you (pressing the top of his/her furry little head against you), it's a sign of love and affection and true loyalty.

So, yesterday, when my little fluffy kitty head-bonked my leg, it made me feel all happy inside. I scratched her behind her kitty ears and told her that I loved her too.

And then she walked over and head-bonked the toilet. :)

The very definition of irony

A man who broke up an eight-year relationship via email demanding an in-person meeting (two years after the fact) in an effort to gain closure.

:D

Weird things that bother me (and probably only me), Vol. 1

Let me start by saying that I'm not a prude. I'm really not. All the same, this bugs me:

Very young girls who shop at Victoria's Secret.

I work in a shopping area with a VS, and I see this a lot.

And a lot of people would argue (correctly) that VS carries a number of cotton-panty/everyday underwear options AND pajamas, for pete's sake.

And they do.

But they don't put back-arching/lip-pouting models in cotton panties in the commercials. Or on the runway. And those aren't what you see when you walk in the door. A ten-year-old has to walk past the tear-it-of-with-his-teeth stuff to get to the everyday stuff.

Witness The Date Collection: https://www.victoriassecret.com/pink/the-date-racerback. PINK is the part of the brand they gear toward younger women. Adorable stuff (I'd wear that racerback in a second), but the name is creepy. The connotation is Look girls! This is what you wear on a date!

We live in a hyper-sexualized society where girls learn at a young age that their worth is tied up in their appearance.

I just don't see why we can't let them be semi-innocent for as long as possible.

It just bugs me. 

Formal-dress shopping with mom

Granted, *I* wasn't formal-dress shopping with my mom, but this poor girl in the next dressing room at Macy's was.

Mother and daughter both had very different objectives for the dress.

And then, Mom said the one thing (loud enough for the rest of us to hear) that sent her daughter through the floor in embarrassment.

I think this is probably the best dress of the bunch. You can use it more than once. After all, there's plenty of room to grow in the boobs, y'know what I mean?

MOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!

Hang in, kid. We've all been there. :)

In a world full of acronyms

WTH has to be my favorite.

Because you can actually say What The Hell in front of pretty much anybody. Are there ears/minds THAT delicate anymore? (Granted, I've been working in advertising for a long time, so I might be a little deadened to anything shocking.)

The Church Lady might even let you get away with it.

In the long run, Bless Your Heart is probably more insulting. Because, in the South, you can be as mean as you want, as long as you add Bless Your/His/Her Heart before or afterward. 

Henceforth, I expect to see a lot more BYH all over Facebook.

Let's throw caution to the wind, fuckers!

Oh, Cosmo

As I stood in line at Target, I glanced at the magazine covers.

When I got to Cosmopolitan, I had to chuckle. The magazine is geared to women in their teens and 20s, and there are always at least three headlines about how to please a man in bed. It's always been that way. It'll always be that way.

Blow his mind!
Keep him coming back for more!
The one move that will take him to the brink of death!

Whatever.

But what they don't tell these dear readers is that fellas (especially fellas in their teens and 20s) are pretty thrilled if you simply show up and are a willing participant.

For a lot of them, that's a mind-blower right there.

Also, there's a reason the positions in that mag are demonstrated by drawings. Real people who are not contortionists by trade can't get into those positions. Even if they can, once they're there, there's little pleasure to be derived. 

And the fellas who demand to be impressed by porn-star maneuvers probably aren't the ones you need to be with anyway.

But go ahead, Cosmo. Keep "informing" the youth of America and keep on amusing the rest of us. What else are we going to do in the checkout line?

My favorite bit of gossip from the last few years

"He's in an open marriage. But don't tell anybody. His wife doesn't know."

If you don't like outspoken women...

By all means, don't let one of them know!

I have contact with someone on a fairly regular basis who makes it known (without actually coming right out and saying it) that he believes women should know their place and should be seen and not heard.

And, truly, all that does is make me want to be louder and more irreverent than I would be at any other time. Just to get under his skin.

I like to be heard. Especially by people who think I should not speak.

No more time to write! I'm off to plan my next unladylike, horribly vulgar outburst.

Here's a bidness tip

If you're going to put together a presentation for a bunch of people and you want to repeatedly quote a captain of industry...

Do a little extra work just to be sure you're not quoting a Nazi sympathizer.

You're welcome!

Another spike of immaturity

When I see someone I love smoking, I think QUIT! Quit now! You must! I want you to live as long as possible! 

When I see someone who annoys me smoking, I think Breathe deep, sucka!

To quote my dear, departed grandma...

Hooray! Hooray! The First of May! 

Outdoor Screwin' Starts Today!

Behold the power of marketing

My folks put their car in the shop for a few days and rented a new car in the meantime.

Mom called me and told me she didn't think she'd like the car, but she does.

What kind is it? I asked.

It's one of those hamster cars! she exclaimed.

https://youtu.be/VutSJIKsixc

Cleverish word play

Introducing the Refreshit bidet.

Registered trademark of Squatty Potty, LLC. 

Nonsense things people say or do that inspire immediate distrust*

• Driving a bright yellow Hummer (actually, any color).
• "I don't like music." 
• "I hate chocolate." 
• Carrying a dog in a purse. 
• "I don't eat cake." 
• "I'm really interested in hearing Sarah Palin's platform."
• Backing into every parking place. EVERY parking place.
• Peeing Calvin stickers. 
• Confederate flags. On any part of your person or anything you own.
• Being gluten-free for no good reason. 
• "I don't eat cheese."
• Eating gristle/fat.
• Public shirtlessness. 
• No pets in the house (excluding, of course, an extended grieving period following the death of a beloved pet).
• Being a morning person. 
• Wearing so much hair product that I see the product before I see the hair. 
• Shorts in the snow.
• "Do you know how bad that is for you?" (regarding any food item)
• Pushing a healthy pet in a stroller in public. 
• Doing anything ironically. 
• Misusing quotation marks. 
• Concurrently wearing a parka and flip-flops.

*This is not a scientific--or even particularly serious--list. So if you're offended, lighten the fuck up. 

I have to make a confession

I don't care about your special diet.

I care about YOU, and I certainly don't want you to eat the thing that makes you sick/fat/hate life/whatever.

And if I were to cook for you, I'd certainly never serve you diet-offending items.

But I don't want to hear about it.

I don't want to hear about what happens if you eat the offending food.

I don't want to hear what your doctor thinks about it.

I don't want to hear the horror stories.

I don't want to hear your opinions on my own diet.

It's a diet. It's not a personality trait. Or, at least, it SHOULDN'T be a personality trait.

Someone explain to me...

The allure of The Butt Cake.

There are baby-butt cakes and bunny-butt cakes. And probably other butt cakes (but I was too scared to do a google image search).

Betty Crocker shows you how to make your very own holiday butt cake right here: bettycrocker.com/recipes/bunny-butt-cake

Baby-butt cakes are usually limited to baby showers.

Here's my question.

What is appetizing about eating a cake shaped like a butt? Eating a baby--ANY PART of a baby--is just creepy anyway. Right?

RIGHT???

I love that they thought the Mohawks would make them look tough

And they looked like Alfalfa in the shot. :D

I stop reading your profile when...

I read the phrase

"I'm kind of an enlightened caveman."

Because kind of negates enlightened. And all I'm left with is caveman.

Today's reassuring thought

According to pretty much anybody I've ever talked to, EVERY family has a crazy, mean, fucked-up uncle.

Not just mine.

Somehow, that's a relief.