Whipped

If you're carrying around your girlfriend's purse for her, you're whipped.

Especially if the purse looks like this. And you're getting her car oiled and lubed.

Beau's roommate is an idiot

Here's just one of the reasons why.

He makes jokes like this in mixed company at parties:

If you want to keep a woman around, tattoo your dick with a dollar bill. Then she'll see your money grow and she'll never leave you. 

Really?

Had it not been for Beau, sitting beside me with a pleading look that said pleasejustletitgopleasejustletitgo, I'd have told him that nobody's impressed with a two-inch dollar bill.

Strike two, roomie.

Beautiful, affordable artwork

He's brilliant. Give him a photo and he'll give you a painting. I highly recommend him!!

It ain't easy bein' green

Beau and I stopped at the grocery store (the one in his neighborhood, where they look at you like a pariah if you wear something fancy--like a button-down shirt or a T-shirt without a Bud Light logo on it or... shoes).

And we saw this girl with the most beautiful vivid green hair.

It looked like this. Only brighter and more. It looked almost... alive.

I'm not being tongue-in-cheek when I say it was beautiful. She had short hair and it was adorable on her...

Until I looked a little farther down her face.

She'd applied the same color to her eyebrows. And it looked like two furry caterpillars were crawling across her face. Not good.

I hope she didn't go for an all-over look. I'm envisioning a putting-green look. Might be an adventure for the next guy to tee off.

Drugstore "beauty"

I stopped at my local drugstore to pick up the important prescriptions that keep me sane and unimpregnated. On my way back to the pharmacy, I took a detour (as I always do) through the cosmetics department to feed my lipgloss habit.

It's there that I spied the following attrocities.

First, this horrible lipgloss.

This isn't the color of the packaging, it's the color of the actual lipgloss inside.

First your lips have to be green. Then yellow (yay. lip jaundice). Then less-sad-but-still-sad shades of orange. Who wants green lips? You'll be shocked to note that not one of these had been purchased (not even by tweens, who--let's face it--will buy almost anything).

Then I came to the Rimmel line of cosmetics. I perused their offerings until I saw the horribly photoshopped pictures of Zooey Deschanel.

Zooey Deschanel is adorable, talented, and quirky.

Now look at what Rimmel did to her.

If that's the before and after of Rimmel, I'll stay with before, thanks.

A moment of silence, please

The other night, Beau and I went on a weeknight date, which is kind of rare these days. As we drove to dinner, I nattered on aimlessly like I usually do.

But then I came to a serious topic.

Me: I can't believe they're bringing Charlie's Angels back to TV.

Beau: WHAT???

M: Yeah, it's going to be on ABC this fall.

B: Who's in it??

M: I don't know. Probably three attractive females. OOOH! I think they've got the Old Spice guy playing Bosley, though!

B: (shaking his head, eyes downcast) It's not going to be the same. It's just not going to be the same.

M: Oh well, it wasn't great television then; it won't be great television now. No biggie.

B: You don't understand. It won't be Jiggle TV!  It won't be like it was.

And with that declaration, he looked so sad. Like a deflated balloon caught on a chain-link fence.

So let's take a minute, folks. To mourn the loss of Jiggle Television.

Rest in peace, Jiggles.

Summer party equation

The more cleavage you show at a party directly correlates to how interesting and funny men think you are at said party.

I am small for admitting this

But I'll admit it anyway.

Here's the eternal sartorial conundrum for women (well, women who eat) in the summertime. The clothes are skimpier/lighter/tighter, which tends to highlight what some might consider flaws. We're all quite used to sucking it in all season long.

So I've delighted in noticing something lately: Muffin Tops on Men. I don't delight because it's attractive, but it's nice to see "flaws" on some summertime finger-pointers.

Let's spread the pain around, shall we?

New Happy Salad

On Sunday, my folks and I took my grandparents to their favorite Chinese restaurant (New Happy Restaurant) for lunch. It's a nice little place, populated mainly by elderly customers. The food is good and inexpensive. And the folks there know my grandparents well.

The first thing that makes me chuckle is the seating arrangement. There are paper placemats on every table--but they're under glass (a big money-saver, I suppose), so it really makes no difference where you sit.

Except to Grandma, who makes everybody maneuver around the table until everyone is sitting EXACTLY in front of a paper placemat. :)

Then, before we ordered, the waiter set down a tiny little plate and said This is a sample of our New Happy Salad. If you would like to order one for yourself, just let me know. This does not sound funny until you see the New Happy Salad, which looks neither new nor happy.

Sad. Not too New.

However, I have no true gripes about the meal, because I'm about to be RICH!!!

Try to contain your jealousy. Stay New and Happy, my friends!

It's a question of responsibility

All great beer brands have responsibility logos. I'm all for it; drinking responsibly is very important.

I have one question.

In this Leinenkugel's responsibility logo, what, exactly, is in the bear's left hand?

Honey. I'm telling myself it's honey.