Only at a chain restaurant with "Texas" in the name

Can you order the vegetable plate, request a baked sweet potato, and get the following question:

Do you want that with all the fixings: caramel sauce and marshmallows?

Whuck?

It's a potato, not a frickin' ice cream sundae.

I told our waiter no thanks and, instead, received my potato with butter and a little brown sugar (which I still found ridiculous--but I'll fully admit that it was delicious). 

The problem with long necklaces

Eventually, the necklace will hook around one boob, making it look like you're... lassoing yourself. And it'll stay that way all day until you fix it.

Who has the energy for that kind of vigilance?

Let's play! (I will destroy your soul)

At the antique mall, Beau and I found more than Mrs. Roper's castoffs.

We found the stuff of nightmares.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT???

I USE BABY TARZAN'S EYES TO SEE INTO YOUR FLAWED SOUL!

I AM SUCKING YOUR WILL TO LIVE!

I DON'T HAVE IRISES OR REAL HAIR. I WILL EAT YOURS!!!

I'm not so scary, BUT THAT THING BEHIND YOU IS!

BEFORE I GOT HERE, MY OLD OWNER KEPT STRINGING ME ALONG.

I CAN'T I FEEL MY ARMS AND LEGS!

COME TAKE A NAP WITH ME... FOREVER!

MY LAST OWNER PUT MY HEAD IN A VICE. SHE'S DEAD NOW.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY HAIR? OR MY UPPER JAW?

I HAVE EATEN YOUR SOUL, MORTAL. MU-HU-AH-HA-HA!!

Mrs. Roper must be freezing

Someone stole all of her clothes!

Beau and I went to the antique mall over the weekend and ran across these stunners!

I'll bet she felt like a petite butterfly in this one!

I can admit it; I heart this one.

I can't believe Mr. Roper never felt compelled to hit it when she wore this marabou number!

The dumbest question ever uttered at a 3 Margaritas

Do you guys have margaritas in here? 

Beau as my witness, this man asked the question with no trace of humor or irony.

He honestly just wasn't quite sure if a place called 3 MARGARITAS would serve margaritas or not.

More Target fun

I don't know if you've figured it out by now, but there's a Target right across the street from my office.

I spend a lot of my time and money there.

And every time I go over there, something makes me chuckle.

This time, it's packaging.

I ran across this box of SUPER tampons and had to look twice. Because, upon first glance, I thought Holy shit! That's the biggest tampon I've ever seen!

On second glance I realized Oh, that's the PURSE into which the much smaller (I hope) tampon goes.

Next, I noticed this on the yummy Turkey Provolone sammich I bought.

The sammich itself was super yummy. It's the word USE on the packaging that gives me pause.

But I used it. I used it all up!

Funny memory

One of my friends is about to move into a new apartment. I suggested the moving company I'd used twice in the past. They did a fine job for a decent price. And nothing got busted or stolen.

She stopped by today and told me that her grandmother is up in arms over hiring a moving company because they'll know she lives alone, they'll know what kind of stuff she owns, and they'll show up the day after she moves in and rape her and kill her and steal all of her stuff.

Because that's what grandmas do. They live to stir the shit.

Suddenly, I flashed back to the first time I used the moving company. My mom showed up to help me supervise and clean once the apartment was clear of furniture.

Oh, and to bring donuts, because my mom is the best. mom. ever.

When the movers were on a run down to the truck with a load of my belongings, mom motioned me over to the counter and, with a sideways glance, told me We're covered.

I looked at her and told her I had no idea what that meant.

Then she whipped a pistol out of her purse and waved it around with a satisfied smile.

WTF are you doing? Put that away before someone sees it! I told her.

She did, but she was definitely ready for any... funny business.

And that was the day I learned I had a pistol-packin' mama.

I love this T-shirt

As any rational person, place, or thing would!

The last time I wore it out in public, I was with Mom, buying plants at a nursery. The problem with message T-shirts is that they invite retort from strangers, which is what exactly what happened as we perused geraniums and petunias. A woman bounded up to me and, with a smirk, said:

Well hi! I'm an adjective!

[crickets]

As we walked away from her--just barely out of earshot--I muttered to mom:

She's half right. Stupid is an adjective. 


That's when Mom and I decided that I probably shouldn't wear this T-shirt in public anymore.

I love the shirt; I don't want to be buried in it.

My dad wants you to know

That I don't smoke.

I got a voicemail from him the other day telling me he was looking around on Facebook (Side note: yes, we're fb friends--I've been obnoxious my whole life; nothing I post on fb is going to shock him... or so I thought) and he spotted something he did not like:

I saw that you posted one of those Zickle Me Pink things on Facebook. And there was a picture next to the post of a woman with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. What's that for? You don't smoke. Why do you want people to think you smoke???

So, in an effort to hold on to my good name, let me tell you that the profile picture on the right is a cartoon. It is not me. I do not smoke.

Though I am a brunette. :)

Yay! It's October!

Today I want you to go to the store, walk to the Halloween candy aisle, and take a good long whiff.

Sniiiiiiifffff.... AHHHHHHHHHH!

Best smell of the season, baby!!!

(The best sound is leaves crunching under your feet.)

Boo!