Um...

I went to Target to buy some Toys for some Tots. I bought two sparkly dolls and a Nerf gun (the big kids here in the office love them, so I figured little kids would too).

While I searched for appropriate toys, I came upon THIS.

It's a Swimming Ariel doll. If you... ahem... wind her up, she'll wiggle her tail and swim!

How to do you wind her up?

You turn her shell!

Awesome! Where's the shell? I want to turn it and make Ariel wiggle her tail and swim!

Why it's... it's... umm...

(I cannot be the only person who sees how twisted this is.)

He sees you when you're sleeping

He knows when you're awake.
He knows if you've been bad or good. 

He knows if you've been playing with Mommy's lipstick.

He knows when you've been smoking doobies.

HE KNOWS WHERE YOU LIVE!!!

 RUN, CHILDREN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

If you own and use one of these

I will pretend I don't know you on the street.

NOW IN PINK!

Worst. Fortune. Ever.

Coming in at with a close second is the "fortune" my dad got.

Yeesh. Have a nice day!

Hallmark goes alternative

Something's a little different at Hallmark this holiday season.

These ornaments look innocuous enough...

Until you find out what they really are.

And what goes better with Pierced Balls than a Pierced Snowman??

 Deck them halls, y'all!!

Feel-good story of the year (of my year, at least)

First, a little back story. My grandpa, Country Buffet aficionado, WWII hero, and husband to my McDonald's loving grandma, used to be a much-beloved head mechanic at Burt Chevrolet/Burt Toyota. He retired 25+ years ago, but the fellas he worked with still stop by and chat with him almost weekly.

Flash forward to last Thursday (his 91st birthday). Grandpa was out shoveling the front walk (what else would you do on your 91st birthday???) when a car pulled up in his driveway. A tall, broad man stepped out of the car and approached Grandpa.

Tall stranger: Hi, are you Don? 

Grandpa: Yes I am.

Tall stranger: Do you know who I am? 

Grandpa: No, not really.

Tall stranger: You're not a football fan, are you? I'm John Elway.

John Elway had recently acquired a number of dealerships, including the former Burt Chevrolet/Toyota dealerships. He hired a number of people who used to work for Burt. On a visit, the guys at the shop told Mr. Elway how wonderful it was to work with my grandpa and how nothing ever ran as smoothly after he left. In fact, they told him, Grandpa lived just around the corner.

And so Mr. Elway took it upon himself to drive to Grandpa's house, introduce himself, and have a nice chat.

That says so much to me about the character of both of the men in this story.

How wonderful would it be to have been so nice to work with that people are still talking about you 25+ years after you retire?

I love my grandpa.

And I have a whole new respect for John Elway.

WT&B holiday single!

A long time ago, I wrote about how my friend Vonn and I started a band called White Thighs & Boobies.

Unfortunately, our busy-ass lives haven't allowed us much time in the studio. But today we were totally inspired to create a brand-new holiday single!

Vonn stopped by my office with this verdict: Wearing a Santa hat when you're already a huge douchebag doesn't make you any less of a douchebag.

So very, very true.

And so very inspiring.

Look for our holiday single, Douchebag in a Santa Hat, in stores and on iTunes!

You forget how young 21 really is until...

My friend Lori is scheduled for a mammogram this month.

For those of you who have not experienced the joy and magic of the mammogram, let me enlighten you. They stick your boob between two metal plates and squish it until it's as flat as a pancake. Flatter than you EVER thought it could get. And then you hold that position for what seems like FOREVER while they take a photograph.

It's not comfortable. But it's very necessary. And it saves lives (get one, ladies).

When Lori mentioned her appointment to her 21-year-old coworker, the girl's eyes got wide and, in a very grave voice, she asked Do your boobs go back to their original shape after it's done???

Bless her heart.

I told Lori she needed to fuck with her and tell her that there are special bras you have to wear for the rest of your life after your first mammogram.

Alas, Lori is a nicer person than I am, and she wouldn't do it.

Sigh.

Woulda been funny.

More crap you don't need

Holiday catalogs do not disappoint, my friends.

Popsicle Maker.
Psst! You already have one of these.
Hint: it's attached to your refrigerator.

Cotton Candy Maker.
Just how jacked up on sugar do you want your kids to be this season?

Emeril-Inspired Kitchen Towels.
Save your money and put it toward a douchebag forehead tattoo instead.

Skewer Station.
Because "showcasing grilled meat and veggie skewers" on plates is sooooo 2010?

Snowball/Snow Block Maker Set.
If your kids are lazy/prissy enough to need this, they're in front of the TV
with no desire to play outside in the snow anyway.

And, last but not least...

These leopard-print PJs. Not because they're useless, mind you. But because they seem to pack a little more than flannel and an elastic waistband.

The adorable deviousness of the six-year-old mind

My dear friend Lana Greck has a sweet, spunky six-year-old named Addy.

Today I got this message from Lana:

I was fixing Addy’s hair this morning and she asked if she could use my comb so she could text me. She says “Mom, you got a text from a girl named, um, Addy Greck. Do you know her? She says she loves you and she is your best friend.” 

I said “Aw, that is nice.”

“Mom, you just got a text from Zickle! She says that she hopes an alligator eats you at work today! I guess you can’t be friends with HER anymore! Addy sure is a nicer friend, isn’t she?”

A little jealousy there, but I couldn’t stop laughing.

That's the cutest character assassination I've ever experienced.

PS: I'd be sad if an alligator ate Lana. VERY sad. :)