What not to say to a woman. Ever.

When I told a friend how beautiful I thought his 19-year-old daughter was, he turned to me and said:

It's such a burden on her. You have no idea how difficult it is to be a beautiful woman. 

Um, thanks, fuckstick.

Truth in advertising

Last night, as I slept in a fog of cold medication, I heard a lot of feline commotion downstairs.

Too tired to investigate, I hollered CUT IT OUT! And went back to sleep.

In the morning, I figured out what had gone on.

A fat tabby had, indeed, been very tempted by these aptly named treats.

She knew she'd misbehaved, so she lumbered upstairs and monitored the action from above.

Sigh. Pretty soon, she'll be too fat to outrun me or hide under any furniture.

Keep it up, Fatty.

Take a whiff

This is what fame-whoring smells like!
And only $29.99.
You can smell like a CHEAP fame whore! :)

I don't care if you lose respect for me...

I want to wear a tuxedo, poof up my hair, and go to this dance party every time I see this commercial.

Drug-induced paranoia

I have a cold. I'm on cold medication.

These are some of the weird, thoughts that traveled through my mind yesterday in the span of about 10 minutes.

• That's not a noise normal sinuses make.
• Did I just blow out my ear drum?
• Oh, jeez. Is my cat's expensive butt problem flaring up again?
• Is that thing on my arm cancerous? 
• Holy shit! I can't find that thing on my arm now.
• Are the different cold medications reacting with each other?
• Is my heart racing? 
• Beau wasn't very tan when he got back from Mexico two days ago. 
• WHY isn't Beau tan?
• Why am I worried about Beau's tan?
• Was that James Bond movie really the best one I've ever seen or have I oversold it. Are people going to be disappointed now?
• How much money is left in my bank account?
• Did I feed the cats? 
• How long have I been passed out?
• Sweet Lord, what am I watching on TV?
• I should fold that laundry. 
• I'm too tired to fold laundry. 
• Where the hell is that thing on my arm? 
• Have I eaten? 

So much for a relaxing sick day.

Thank you, Sudafed. 

Can we do just one thing like adults?

Must we have all of our vitamins in gummy form??

Contradiction in terms?

Oh yum.

I can see how this would be so much better than swallowing a pill.

Grandma's shocking language

I've never heard her say this.

Dad's never heard her say this.

But Mom says she's heard it a lot.

Grandma has added the word TURD to her vernacular.

So grandmas don't wear slippers or furry socks, but they DO say TURD.

Well, I'll be dipped.

On this beautiful Election Day....

Please don't let this be true.

Sad

Sad, sad, sad.

For the love of all that is good and holy

MAKE THIS SHIT STOP!!

Do we really need Kardashian-inspired nail color? 

 

And although there are a number of adorable wordplay color names, they seem to have forgotten these:

Flame-Whore

Let's Make a Sex Taupe!

It Hurts When I Peony