Because I'm nine

I was the tiniest bit disappointed when yesterday's Google Doodle didn't spell BOOBS.

This is my new favorite email attachment

It covers a multitude of situations and gets the point across quite nicely.
:)

I am the sinister stranger who is buried alive after trying to save the day

I know Halloween was yesterday, but I don't care.

I love this.

Thus, you must love it too.

I have spoken.

Halloween

I've decided I don't like being ugly on Halloween.

Though last year's photo proves I'm good at being ugly on Halloween.

MAYBE A LITTLE TOO GOOD

And I never bought in to the sexy hamburger/cookie monster/nurse/school teacher schtick.

One year, a friend and I dressed up as new ZIMA flavors (I was Bleu Cheese ZIMA and she was Sour Cream and Chives ZIMA).

THAT was fun, but we didn't win the costume contest.

This year, I kind of phoned it in with a T-shirt, a pair of scissors, and a Pinterest account. 

And then I realized what Halloween is all about. It's not the costumes. It's not about being scary or sexy or lazy.

It's. About. The Candy.

Thank God for the candy.

I don't know why Linus doesn't go on stage in It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! and make a speech about candy that ends with "And that's what Halloween is all about, Charlie Brown."

Worked in the Christmas special. 

I'm off to find a Twix!

I question the safety

Of a fellow commuter I saw on the road this morning.

She had a dream-catcher hanging from her rearview mirror.

Unless it catches daydreams (also a little dangerous in a moving vehicle), it seems to support sleeping behind the wheel.

Unless she had someone sleeping in the backseat.

Or she lives in that car and sleeps in it at night.

How does a dream-catcher work, anyway? It's not like a USB drive where you can retrieve them later.

Clearly, I'm thinking too hard about this.

I am my own worst distraction.

Want your dog to look and feel like a jackass?

Get thee to TJ Maxx post haste!!

Time to do a little braggin' on myself

Ohhhhhhh yeah!

It's been a rough few months

So when I see something funny, I feel compelled to share it.

Yesterday, I ran across an article featuring Kim Kardashian's Most Profound Quotes.

I won't list them all here, but I will post my favorites.

I hate it when women wear the wrong foundation color, it might be the worst thing on the planet when they wear their makeup too light. Forget hunger, war, and disease. We've found the very WORST thing on the planet.

I always put clothes and family photos under the mattress, in case the house burns down. Proof that she does not know HOW. FIRE. WORKS.

I hate to talk about myself. Well, obviously.

I think if I'm 40 and I don't have any kids and I'm not married, I would have a baby artificially inseminated. I would feel like Mary - like Jesus is my baby. Fertility doctors--world's second oldest profession?

If you can fix a problem with money, it's not really a problem. No words.

I love fortune cookies! I soooooooooo believe in every fortune! Um...

I don't like big balls on dogs. Okay...

I'm also obsessed with Q-tips. I use them, minimum, 5 times a day. Q-Tips, upon hearing this glowing recommendation, immediately cancelled all of its future marketing campaigns. No need for advertising anymore! We've got the Kardashian Seal of Approval!

There you have it, folks! Little pearls of wisdom from someone who makes more in a year than you'll make in your entire career.

New beginnings

Some of you might have noticed a lack of something in this blog over the past few months.

There have been no "Beau" posts.

And that's because it's over.

He ended it in an email (after the better part of a decade) and quite possibly had someone else all along.

Which was pretty brutal and cruel and hurtful.

But I'm almost glad it happened that way. Because it's so utterly black and white now that there's no feeling (other than hurt feelings) left.

And it made me realize how many kind, thoughtful, amazing people I have in my life. So, in being "alone," I've discovered that I'm not alone at all. Which is a great feeling. 

So, on to better days, new adventures, and--a little down the road--someone who is good and funny and kind to me.

GOOD STORIES AND SNARKY NEW ADVENTURES TO COME!

Because we all deserve good stories. 

What brought me joy in the Chipotle parking lot

This little army guy wired to the front of a Jeep.

GO JOE!