You're Searching for WHAT??

fuckyeahgooglesearch.com

This never fails to make me laugh.

(my apologies to anyone who is offended by this.)

It's winter. Put on some pants.

Living in Colorado, I've gotten used to a great deal of weather-related silliness. We get thunder snow. We had a rainbow during a snowstorm once. A 20-degree day followed by a 70-degree day. Snow in June. Folks with $5,000 skis mounted on top of $500 cars. Folks who'll get up at 4:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning to hit the slopes but can't make it to work by 9:00 a.m. on weekdays. Infants in winter sportswear worth more than anything I have in my closet. Men in big-ass pickup trucks who can't understand why they're sliding all over the place while my little Honda chugs along and leaves them in the dust. People who dress their dogs in coats and shoes. The list goes on. But there is one winter anomaly that is so stupid that it deserves my ridicule (and yours).

I'm talking about Shorts in the Snow Guy. 

Really, dude? Does your blood run that hot? Why is it that you need a parka, but not pants? If I can wear pants during the summer when it's 90 degrees outside, why can't you wear pants when it's 20 degrees? We don't stare at you because we're in awe of your great testosterone levels; we stare because you look like an idiot with your little blue goose-pimply legs poking out from under your Eddie Bauer goose-down.

And, just in case you're wondering, no woman ever thinks that's a sexy look (that goes double for the guy I saw in Rite Aid who was in a coat, shorts, loafers, and KNEE-HIGH SOCKS who was--oh, I bow to you, great and mighty god of irony--in the heating-pad aisle).

So the next time you look out the window in the morning and see the ground covered in white, remember that that's snow. Snow is cold. Cold temperatures are what brought on that snow. So do yourself and everyone else a favor. Put on some pants.

Rappin' 'bout dangerous stuff

On Valentine's Day, The Beau and I went to the movies (Wolfman. It was the movie we could both agree on). And, as everybody knows (and is annoyed by), there are now commercials before the previews before the movie.

This one made us laugh. The rapper who's just not feelin' it and the street-tough producer in the booth give the commercial zero street cred, but it's the lyrics that are the best:

“Like a sprained ankle boy, ain’t nothing to play with!”

I giggled like a schoolgirl and nearly wet my pants. This man knows PAIN! Like that time he sprained his ankle. Listen to his story, yo.

Another Installment of Weird Dream Theater

I often have WTF dreams. This one might be a WTF hall-of-famer.

I dreamed I was in someone's house and they had a red pet fish (it looked much like the red fish in One fish two fish red fish blue fish). Only it was the size of a cat. And it didn't live in water. It just kind of walked around the house on its two front flippers like a sea lion would.

I told its owner that their pet fish freaked me out.

Some point later, I looked at the fish only to find out that the fish was now a little Asian girl wearing a red dress.

She ate cinnamon incessantly (straight cinnamon, not cinnamon-flavored products).

When I asked why she ate so much cinnamon, someone said "She has to. Cinnamon is what keeps her batteries working."

WHAT???

Keggers of Yore

keggersofyore.com
You laugh until you realize that there are probably a lot of pictures like this of YOU somewhere out there...

Because I'm Nine

thingsthataredoingit.com

As I'm ideating a solve, I can't give you an actionable respond right now.

If you don't understand the sentence above, here's a translation: Because I'm thinking about a solution, I can't give you a response right now.

Ah, business speak. My poor little bleeding ears hear it every day. 

Why must we bastardize the English language? Each year, business schools crank out thousands of graduates with no discernible language skills and fancy new buzzword vocabularies, including the following gems:

• Benchmarking
• Aspirational
• Value Add
• 30,000-Foot View
• Share of Voice
• Dollarization
• Actionable
• Incentivize
• Mindshare
• Synergy
• Disintermediate
• Ideate

Big words that mean virtually nothing. 

I had a manager who LOVED the word "onus." The onus is on you to find a solve for this. or Let's put the onus where it belongs. It's a little too close to the word anus for my taste.

If you're at a loss for buzzwords, there's a handy Buzzword Generator.

It's got to stop.

I'm putting the onus squarely on your shoulders. :)

My First Fail (.com)

You never forget your first fail.

I'm soooooo happy...

...to find out that my ex has moved out of the state (waaaaay out of the state) this week. Is that wrong? We haven't dated in years and years, but every so often, I'd run into him (once, I ran into him while I was on a blind date, which was sheer agony--ex was wasted and kept sending us drinks and screeching my name across the bar).

He's a recovering addict, and he was always trying to get me to go for coffee so he could atone for his sins. I never wanted to, because I'd left that all behind. He kept writing me, asking for detailed lists of all of the horrible things he'd done to me during our relationship. Why???

Then I realized that, he just MIGHT be writing a book about his fun adventures on Planet Opiate. And it's not like he could remember all of the fun details, right?

Sorry. Not helping with the tell-all. 

Anyway, via con dios. Best of luck to you (and especially to your new wife).

(PS: I realize that this post might say more about me than it does about him; I'm ok with that.)