My favorite thing about summer so far

Beau and I were scavenging for dinner at King Soopers the other night, and I came to a dead stop when I saw this.

Even though it's June, it's a poem! About pumpkin pie! In July!

I stared longingly at the pie. It's been sooooo long.

Beau finally picked up the pie and said Here, I'll carry it for you so it doesn't look like you're buying a whole pie for yourself, even though that's what you're doing.

I have no shame over this. One of the nice things about being a grown-up is that you can do things like buying a whole pie just for yourself.

Guess what I had for breakfast. Yay! Yay! Yay!

Two new words

My dear friend has a doozy of an ex-husband. He's pulled every trick in the book in an effort to make her miserable.

In short, he sucks.

Words don't even really describe how rotten he is.

So I came up with two new words!

1. Douchelusional
2. Dicktastrophe

Use them freely and introduce them into lexicon.

Because, sadly, I think they'll probably apply to a lot of people you deal with on a daily basis.

A few things about the veterinarian's office

My poor little Daisy has... a tummy problem (to be polite).

The bar covering her eyes looks like I'm trying to protect her identity.
You'll never know who she is now!!!

So I packed her into a kitty crate (her favorite thing, you can tell) and drove her to the vet I've taken her to since kittenhood.

Two shots, one bottle of pills, and $112 later, we headed home.

But here are four things that could stand to be addressed:

1. Even if your dog is the sweetest, gentlest, greatest dog who was raised by cats and looooves cats, letting her bound up to my cat who's terrified and in a cage with a raging case of the poos isn't the best idea.
2. If you have a dog who hates cats, telling me It's a good thing I'm holding this leash; otherwise, your cat would be in a world of hurt isn't the nicest thing to say.
3. If you're a veterinarian and you think you're a stand-up comedian, think again. Also, know your audience. This guy once called my cat Lola, who had trouble healing after surgery and had to go back multiple times, his little cash cow. Ha. Ha. Ha. Today, he told a waiting room full of women how great it is to be able to trade in an old wife for a new model. Again, hysterical.
4. When I'm paying the bill, don't tell me what a good deal I'm getting. Don't tell me that other vets charge much more for their services. You've already got me. I'm going to pay. I want my furry kid to be healthy. Don't insult my intelligence.

Alas, having suffered the indignity of getting her temperature taken in the rudest possible way, Daisy's at home hiding under the bed. And she's probably forgiven me by now.

Until, of course, I go home and try to cram a pill down her throat.

Sigh.

Hooker training wheels

If you want to be a hooker but you want to start slow, maybe you should try this place.

Located in the same mall where the bookstore spur dude hangs out, this store is geared toward teenagers.

This is the embarassing shit they put in the front window (I'd hate to see what ends up on the sale rack).

Wearing a classy fishnet shirt like this, I'm sure a fish ain't the only thing you'll catch!

Worried about spinach in your teeth? Check out your reflection on my ass!

You can transition from the prom to the street corner with ease in this racy little number!

In case you weren't convinced by the "strapless T-shirt" or lacy underthings, I'm a WILD GIRL!

It's a yummy dish, but...

Dad makes this great salmon recipe.

He's made it for years, and I'm always super happy when he calls me and invites me over to eat it.

But he's GOT to find a better name for it.

Because nobody wants to hear this:

C'mon over! We're havin' SALMON BALLS!

The joys of being designated driver

Beau had some friends in from St. Louis last week. The three of them hit lots of touristy destinations including Buffalo Bill's grave, Estes Park, Rocky Mountain National Park (5 ft. of snow at the top!), and panning for gold in the foothills.

But the main reason they came was the Peter Gabriel concert at Red Rocks. If you've never seen a show there, you must. It's the best concert venue on earth.

It's fun to be there for someone's first Red Rocks show (especially when it's a performer's first show).

So I volunteered (was volunteered) to be the designated driver.

We got there early and parked at the top of the amphitheater. The good part about parking at the top is that you can avoid the heart-/lung-exploding experience of climbing the two billion stairs from the lower parking lots.

The bad part about parking there is that it takes forever to get out after the concert. There's no point in even turning the key in the ignition. So, after the show, I didn't. It was a pleasant, cool night, so we rolled down the windows and sat.

About 45 minutes later, I heard a drunken whine from the back seat:


This caaaaaar hasn't moooooooved one inch!!!


Sigh. Honey, that's what happens when the car's not running and half of the occupants are outside, leaning against the car! ;)

Oh well. On the plus side, my internal mantra of pleasedon'tpukeinmycar, pleasedon'tpukeinmycar, pleasedon'tpukeinmycar totally worked!!

At first, I was excited

about how slim my legs look in this shot.

And then I realized that the giant vat of ice cream in my lap probably canceled them out.

:D

It's not like I ate the whole thing.

(PS: The whole reason I took this is to show Beau my yummy nighttime snack. We've been together a loooooong time. We text pictures of food and pets. Sad, but this is what we do.)

I heart the dollar store

Not only is it a good place to pick up toothbrushes, gift bags, and ziplock baggies, it also offers an array of chuckleworthy products.

ALL FOR JUST A BUCK!

[Note: I didn't actually buy any of the products below; just wanted to clear that up.]

Next to the pregnancy tests (and, word to the wise: I think perhaps that might not be the purchase on which to skimp), we have toothpaste-tube sized Warm Touch lube. (The intimacy is in the touch. And 20 nickels can buy a lot of intimacy.)

For the times when Warm Touch is not necessary, we have these sad little bras. They were so sad that they were actually marked down. TWO FOR TEN DIMES!

Heading to the candy aisle, I found two disturbing offerings. The first has "nip" and "mini drinks" and "Bite 'em" on the packaging. They're shaped like little beer bottles. Creepy.

The second looks like diarrhea in a tube.
Chewbies Liquid Taffy. ALL NATURAL! 

Lest you start to think that the dollar store is not a classy place, let me assure you that it is! Because only in classy places do you see a poodle in a handbag.

Sorry the pic is fuzzy; I had to snap it on the sly.

More to come (as soon as I run out of toothbrushes or ziplocks).

If you look for donger everywhere...

I guess you're gonna find donger everywhere.

For someone who finds the phallus sooooo offensive, he sure spends a lot of time thinking about it. Hmmmmmm.

Gotta love zealots for the sheer entertainment value. 

A FIRST!

I just realized this.

I had dinner this week with my parents and grandparents to celebrate Grandma's and Grandpa's 65th wedding anniversary.

And Grandma didn't mention McDonalds ONCE!