Target gets judgemental

I wandered down the cookie aisle at Target (I eat graham crackers instead of cookies now, but it's always nice to browse).

I knew I'd hit the cookie aisle because of this handy sign.

But before I could get too excited, I looked a little further down the aisle and saw this.

NOT SO FAST, FATASS! MAYBE THIS IS WHERE YOU SHOULD BE SHOPPING.

Sigh.

Weird

This just bugs me. Maybe if I write about it, I'll feel better about it.

Beau and I went up to his friend's cabin over the weekend. It's a pretty little place on five acres of lovely valley property.

This friend is a nice guy and an excellent host. He's completely gutting the house and refinishing it exactly the way he wants it.

He took us on the grand tour.

When we got to his room, I noticed a strange little green tribal figure hanging on the wall. It was noticeable mostly because it was about a foot tall and the phallus that jutted out of its midsection was about a foot tall as well. Hard to ignore (so to speak).

I mentioned it and he said I wondered if you'd notice that (how could you not notice an alien green foot-tall tribal figure with a foot-long hard-on?). But he said it to Beau, rather than to me.

Turns out, the figure used to belong to Beau's ex wife (the one who threatened me, cyber-stalked me, and basically made my life hell on earth for a year and a half).

He told us he dug it out of her trash without her knowledge.

And then it got really quiet for awhile. And then we went on with our evening.

Weird, weird, weird.

Because I don't feel like writing today

Some might argue that what's in this blog isn't considered writing at all, but whatever. Please enjoy.

Snooki's literary career

On Facebook, Random House, Inc., posted this hysterical and very repostable picture.

 

I fell in love with it. So did all of my book-nerd friends. One of them stopped by my desk and told me that she was shocked to learn that Snooki has written two... well, I guess you'd have to call them books (this is one of them).

We chatted about whether or not she really wrote them, coming to the easy conclusion that it's highly likely that she didn't.

And then I realized that we'll never EVER know. 

Because no writer on earth would ever admit to writing suck dreck. 

Her secret is safe forever.

Maybe she's smarter than I initially thought!

Editorial pet peeve

The tendency in business "writing" to write out a number and then put the numeral in parentheses right next to it.

For the next two (2) weeks, we'll be reviewing the statistics.

Sigh.

If the recipient can't read/decipher the word TWO, they won't be able to read any of the other words either, so what the fuck does it matter??

Again, sigh.

Shame on me, of course, for trying to apply logic to business "writing."

Grandma's elocution

I realize that everybody has specific ways of saying things.

A lot of people in/from California pronounce Milk as Melk.

And our Boston friends have that peculiar use of the letter R.

My dad, a Texan, has the best accidental pronunciation of Massachusetts ever: MassaTwoShits.

Growing up in Oklahoma as I did, I drop my Gs and say y'all more often than I should. 

But my grandma, from Nebraska, where they seemingly have no accents, has the strangest collection pronunciations I've ever heard.

First, she uses the one that a lot of midwesterners use. Wash: Warsh

No biggie.

But then it gets weird.

Branson: BRAWNson

Pueblo: PEEeblo

Puberty: POOberty

Chemo: ChEHmmo

And, our personal favorite (though we all seem to have blocked the context in which she said it):

Penis: PENnis (rhymes with tennis)

Pennis, anyone?

But you can bet your ass she can pronounce McMuffin without incident or misunderstanding!

I MUST figure out how to make these

Chocolate chip cookies with Oreos baked inside.

As The Frisky put it, it's the turducken of cookies!!!

Roomie's latest "joke"

Beau's roommate continues to astound with his lack of humor and class.

This is the joke he told us yesterday (actually, he told two; I cannot repeat the other one, which should tell you how bad it was):

People are always saying "Grow some balls!" But that doesn't make any sense. Balls are sensitive. People should really say "Grow a vagina!" because those things can take a pounding. 

And then, when I didn't laugh, he continued on with Wouldn't that be funny to hear at a bar? Grow a vagina! 

No, dipshit. It wouldn't.

Sigh.

Signs, signs, everywhere signs

I had a few days off recently. And as I made my way around town, I noticed A LOT of signs.

First, this is an anti-mold chip on the inside of a shoebox. As delicious as it looks and as tempted as we all are to eat anything we find in a shoebox, DO NOT EAT IT. In any country. Contain yourself.

Next, we have this keen grasp of the obvious (from someone who could not find similar sentiment on a regular old bumper sticker).

And now that we know why folks DON'T die, let's take a look at the reason why they kill.

Sigh. It's enough to drive me to drink.

Luckily...

Hobby Lobby erotica

Hi there! I'm really, really happy to see you!

Oh, I'm sorry! Does this offend you? I just want you to have.... uh... something to hang your coat on.

This is my friend Zeke. He has three eyes, so he's three times as happy to see you.

We'd introduce you to our elfin friend, but he's got his hands full. He's super excited that the holidays are coming!