Mom's cookbook + my immaturity = fun!

Last Sunday, Mom and Dad had me over for spaghetti (I don't know what it is, but spaghetti always tastes better when your mom makes it).

While she cooked, she handed me a new cookbook my uncle had sent her. She told me to mark the recipes I thought sounded good, which I did (because I'm a good daughter).

As I flipped through the book, the nine-year-old humorist in my head took over, and I snickered at some of the more questionable recipe titles.

Yep, I make Mom prouder every day.

Better than Naughty Nuts, I suppose.

Hey, if you've got 'em, why not make 'em festive?

I'm sure you've heard about this on TMZ.com already.

One thing DOES lead to another next to a roaring fire.

Ew. Just ew. :)

The most horrifying thrift-store find to date

I'm posting this picture first to see if you could figure out what it is.

Any guesses?

No?

Hold on to your lunch.

It's a SUPER KEGEL!

And in case you're unsure about how to use one, they show you right on the box (so to speak)!

True story

I went to the doctor for a skin allergy (nuthin' but glamour in my world), and she told me this story.

She said that sometimes syphilis can present itself as a skin rash (I don't have syphilis; this is just how she got into the story).

She said an elderly female patient came in complaining of a skin rash she simply could not get rid of. They did some blood work, and a few days later the lab tech called and said Do you want to call her with the news, or should I? She has syphilis. 

My doctor said she'd break the news.

She called her, told her she had syphilis, and said they'd get her on a course of treatment ASAP.

The woman's response?

I cannot WAIT to tell my bridge club that I have syphilis! They're gonna think I'm sooooo RACY!

Bless her heart!

Let's go to prison!

In high school, my class took a trip to a women's prison in Oklahoma City.

I have a hard time remembering why, but I think it was for a sociology class.

We all boarded the school bus and prepared for a special day.

All of us went on the tour and then assembled in the prison gym for a Q & A session with three of the inmates.

They sat there and patiently answered all of our questions.

And then we heard a craggy male voice speak up and ask:

There a lot of rape between you gals in here?

40 heads swiveled around to find the source of such a gawd-awful question.

The bus driver, who--I'm pretty sure--was supposed to have stayed on the bus and waited for us, tagged along on the tour.

And he'd apparently watched Caged Heat far too many times.

Gross. 

Going to the DMV

To get my license.

What should I wear, what should I wear, what should I wear?

I know! I'll wear my SHUT UP AND DRINK YOUR BEER! T-shirt!

Genius!

Only at a chain restaurant with "Texas" in the name

Can you order the vegetable plate, request a baked sweet potato, and get the following question:

Do you want that with all the fixings: caramel sauce and marshmallows?

Whuck?

It's a potato, not a frickin' ice cream sundae.

I told our waiter no thanks and, instead, received my potato with butter and a little brown sugar (which I still found ridiculous--but I'll fully admit that it was delicious). 

The problem with long necklaces

Eventually, the necklace will hook around one boob, making it look like you're... lassoing yourself. And it'll stay that way all day until you fix it.

Who has the energy for that kind of vigilance?

Let's play! (I will destroy your soul)

At the antique mall, Beau and I found more than Mrs. Roper's castoffs.

We found the stuff of nightmares.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT???

I USE BABY TARZAN'S EYES TO SEE INTO YOUR FLAWED SOUL!

I AM SUCKING YOUR WILL TO LIVE!

I DON'T HAVE IRISES OR REAL HAIR. I WILL EAT YOURS!!!

I'm not so scary, BUT THAT THING BEHIND YOU IS!

BEFORE I GOT HERE, MY OLD OWNER KEPT STRINGING ME ALONG.

I CAN'T I FEEL MY ARMS AND LEGS!

COME TAKE A NAP WITH ME... FOREVER!

MY LAST OWNER PUT MY HEAD IN A VICE. SHE'S DEAD NOW.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY HAIR? OR MY UPPER JAW?

I HAVE EATEN YOUR SOUL, MORTAL. MU-HU-AH-HA-HA!!

Mrs. Roper must be freezing

Someone stole all of her clothes!

Beau and I went to the antique mall over the weekend and ran across these stunners!

I'll bet she felt like a petite butterfly in this one!

I can admit it; I heart this one.

I can't believe Mr. Roper never felt compelled to hit it when she wore this marabou number!

The dumbest question ever uttered at a 3 Margaritas

Do you guys have margaritas in here? 

Beau as my witness, this man asked the question with no trace of humor or irony.

He honestly just wasn't quite sure if a place called 3 MARGARITAS would serve margaritas or not.