Who has a nice boyfriend?

I DO! I DO!

Guess who went to the thrift store and picked up an Ernie cookie jar and creepy-ass antique cross-dressing photograph for me yesterday?

BEAU DID! BEAU DID!

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Scary movie

As I mentioned last week, Beau has become quite the cinematographer.

This is the scariest movie he's made yet.

The title is AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE.

Judge for yourself.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Fun new excuse to skip work (seasonal)

Don't know who it is; don't care. The excuse is awesome in its silly, ridiculous bullshittyness.

Someone called in the day of the office Halloween party to say they wouldn't be in because they're allergic to pumpkins.

Gotta write that one down and use it next year!

Scary pumpkin muffins

Really, they're only scary because they're so easy to make (and even easier to eat).

One box spice cake mix.
One 15-oz. can pumpkin puree.

Mix together (batter will be thick, but you don't need to add anything, I promise), put in paper muffin cups, pop into a preheated 350-degree oven, and bake for 20-25 minutes.

Ta-dah!

I've made 'em twice and gotten nothing but raves.

They're coming to get you, Barbara...

On Saturday evening Beau and I and my folks went on a graveyard tour. Riverside Cemetery dates back to 1876, and is home to some really beautiful memorials (if that's what you're into, which I totally am). 67,000 folks rest there (it's next to the train tracks, which must interrupt even eternal slumber, but I digress).

I got some great photos and Beau went all cinematographer on our asses.

No story behind this one. I just thought it was really beautiful.

Headstone of a French prostitute who was brutally murdered downtown.
They never caught her killer.
(The headstone is so lovely because she came from money in France.)

Don't know the story behind this one either. But someone really loved their dog.
And that kind of devotion is nice. And it's a lovely stone.

During the tour, Beau kept wandering off his own. I found out later that he was using a fancy app on his phone to make movies. He shot zombie movies from the point of view of the zombie. The soundtrack is all him (no wonder he wandered off by himself--he was breathin' pretty heavily).

I brake for old ladies

And that's mostly because I hope to be one someday, and a little extra karma in the bank never hurt anybody.

I also love old-lady names. I have some great ones in my family: Elsie (you might know her better as Ronald McDonald's #1 reason for a restraining order), Edith, Lela, and Melba.

I know there are other great old-lady names out there, so I asked folks on facebook. I got some GEMS!

I'm naming a future pet Mildred to be sure (see, I'm workin' on my old-lady ways already!).

• Myrtle
• Trudy
• Matilda
• Opal
• Geraldine
• Maxine
• Irene
• Norma
• Gertrude
• Lena Juanita (love Texas old-lady names)
• Tessie Elnora (Texas again)
• Merline
• Eunice
• Doris
• Peggy
• Mildred
• Irene
• Inez
• Corrine
• Bisnette (pronounced Bisnay, which ROCKS)
• Agnes
• Zulu (my Dad's aunt)
• Virginia
• Leota
• Thelma
• Velma
• Maxine
• Pauline
• Ima (who came way before Kanye's Ima Letchoo Finish)
• Velma
• Fidela
• Gertie
• Lizza-Lou (awesome)
• Juanita
• Berthie
• Leona
• Fern
• Shirley
• Vesta
• Mabel
• Flossy
• Hortense (bless her heart, you know that one was a burden even back in the day)
• Claudia
• Lorraine
• Charity
• Demarius
• Revella
• Lola (I already have a cat named Lola)
• Eula and Beula (who were sisters)
• Nettie Jean
• Lena
• Ethel
• Wilma
• Ruth
• Elise
• Agnes
• Bernice (pronounced Ber-niss)
• Elda

That's one amazing list. 

My friend Jen made a very good point, saying that in 100 years, someone will compile a list just like this. Only the names will include Jennifer, Nicole, Lindsay, Britney, and the like.

Swell point. And in those distant days, I'm sure Great-Grandma Tiffany will marvel at whippersnapper names like Ethel, Beula, and Gert.

You're probably tired of thrift-store junk posts

Too bad. I'm not. :)

I found two totally rad things and one sad thing.

First, I found this KICK-ASS Ernie cookie jar. I'm still kicking myself for not getting it.

Of course, there's probably a good chance it's still there. The eyes are a little spooky, but I like that. I also like how this photo makes him look like he's praying for someone in the shadows.

Then I found this totally awesome disguise.

You can't see it, but the Styrofoam head is NOT FOR SALE. So don't ask. Just don't.

And then I ran across a bin of old pictures. These always make me a little sad, because those pictures used to mean something to someone. And now they're novelties in a bin.

But anyway, I found this one, and only one caption fits it.

Mother was a... handsome woman.

Look closely. "Mom" looks a hell of a lot like Father Mulcahy from M*A*S*H. I also question the gloves. What's she hiding under there? Maybe this is a Mrs. Bates Psycho situation.

I kind of wish I'd bought this one too.

I need to go back to that store.

Mom's cookbook + my immaturity = fun!

Last Sunday, Mom and Dad had me over for spaghetti (I don't know what it is, but spaghetti always tastes better when your mom makes it).

While she cooked, she handed me a new cookbook my uncle had sent her. She told me to mark the recipes I thought sounded good, which I did (because I'm a good daughter).

As I flipped through the book, the nine-year-old humorist in my head took over, and I snickered at some of the more questionable recipe titles.

Yep, I make Mom prouder every day.

Better than Naughty Nuts, I suppose.

Hey, if you've got 'em, why not make 'em festive?

I'm sure you've heard about this on TMZ.com already.

One thing DOES lead to another next to a roaring fire.

Ew. Just ew. :)

The most horrifying thrift-store find to date

I'm posting this picture first to see if you could figure out what it is.

Any guesses?

No?

Hold on to your lunch.

It's a SUPER KEGEL!

And in case you're unsure about how to use one, they show you right on the box (so to speak)!

True story

I went to the doctor for a skin allergy (nuthin' but glamour in my world), and she told me this story.

She said that sometimes syphilis can present itself as a skin rash (I don't have syphilis; this is just how she got into the story).

She said an elderly female patient came in complaining of a skin rash she simply could not get rid of. They did some blood work, and a few days later the lab tech called and said Do you want to call her with the news, or should I? She has syphilis. 

My doctor said she'd break the news.

She called her, told her she had syphilis, and said they'd get her on a course of treatment ASAP.

The woman's response?

I cannot WAIT to tell my bridge club that I have syphilis! They're gonna think I'm sooooo RACY!

Bless her heart!