Open mouth, insert foot

I preface this story by saying I didn't do anything wrong, really. I was asked a question, and I answered it. Honestly.

Sigh.

The fact that it's cringe-inducing is just gravy for you, dear reader.

Last week, Mom and I went into a number of antique shops in Old Littleton. We found some good stuff here and there.

While I was at the register in one store, I spotted a box of old photos. I like old photos that are a bit strange. I found one of two little boys. The way the photo was taken, their eyes were really dark, giving them an eerie, Children of the Corn vibe (I'm not including the photo in this post, and you'll know why soon enough).

The woman rang up my purchases, including the photo, and asked me what I do with old photos. I answered honestly: "I like to collect photos that are a little... off. And these little boys have crazy eyes."

[silence]

The woman straightened and said "Those boys are my grandsons."

shit.

There wasn't much more to do after that other than smile and walk out of the store.

So much for being honest with strangers.

Happy New Year, everybody!!

Dear neighbor

I don't know which neighbor you are, but your wifi handle, HORSELOVER, concerns me.

A lot.

I will openly mock you on the street

If I see you wearing this.

It's an "M&M's Celebration" fleece jacket! A wearable work of art with your favorite characters in appliqué and embroidery.

And, for the opportunity of advertising for MARS, you get to pay $99.00 (+ $9.99 shipping and service).

I'd buy mine now, but I'm waiting for the NASCAR version.

Day-after-Christmas chuckle

A hearty thanks to the department-store sales girl who pulled me aside and offered me $40 to be nasty to a customer who'd been giving her a hard time because "a customer can't get fired for being rude to another customer."

You made my day.

If Mom hadn't been with me, I might have taken you up on it.

Green

Three green things in my house that make me happy.

The succulents in my kitchen window.

Green wreath cookies made of corn flakes, marshmallows, and green food coloring that only Mom and I like.

Lola'a big green eyes.

Some resolutions I'd like to see *others* make in 2012

This might be my last post of the year (unless I get a bee in my bonnet about something next week--and that NEVER happens).

And while I'll make my own resolutions and keep them to myself (so that nobody can call me on it when I break them), I've got a list of resolutions that I'd like others to make.

• Lazy bones: No more pajamas in public
• Weirdos: If you've broken a world record for longest fingernails/toenails, cut that shit off and find another hobby
• Fellas: pull up your pants and cinch your belts
• Ladies: if you have a muffin top, go up a size; you'll look thinner as a result
• Dog owners: pick up the poop
• Republicans: resolve not to vote this election (heh, heh, heh)
• People who use an apostrophe to denote pluralism rather than ownership: cut that shit out
• Cell-phone chatterers: Hush. We don't need to hear about your yeast infection while we're trying to buy juice at Target
• Grandma: try. new. restaurants.
• Cats: stop puking on my belongings
• MTV: Cancel Jersey Shore already
• Drivers of rear-wheel-drive vehicles: stay home on snowy days
• Everybody: resolve to laugh a bit more, forgive yourself more, and enjoy more about this sweet but short life

Happy holidays! See you in 2012 (barring unforeseen bees in bonnets)!

Lawdy, I love stories like these

My friend Erin told me this gem today.

Her dad went to the grocery store on a search for pasteurized eggs. He looked everywhere, to no avail. Finally, he asked an employee if the store carried them.

Of course we do, replied the employee.

Erin's dad, tired of searching, asked the employee to come with him and point out the pasteurized eggs.

The employee led him to the egg aisle and proudly pointed out all of the free-range eggs.

See, the employee said.  These are all pastureized.

The poor boy thought pasteurized meant that the bird walked around in a pasture before laying the eggs.

Sigh...

By all means, America, let's cut education spending. Our kids are thmart enough!

Annoying verbal phenomenon

I've noticed lately? That a lot of women use this weird inflection?

And every sentence/phrase they utter? Sounds like a question?

Whether it is or not?

It drives me up a f*&king wall!

What IS that?

It makes grown-ass women sound like four-year-olds.

Learn to speak like an adult!

Sweet fancy Moses!

I'm taking part in an email chain letter recipe exchange type of thing where you send an easy recipe to the person on the top of your list and forward on to 20 or so friends, etc.

The crux of it is that the recipe must be simple enough for you to remember it (which, in turn, usually means that you've made it a bajillion times). 

I've gotten a couple of good ones that look easy, yummy, and semi-healthy.

But this one simply blew my mind.

I think ice cream might be a healthier side dish. In fact, I KNOW ice cream would be healthier (mmmmm... ice cream as a side dish). Judge for yourself.

GRANDMA'S SWEET CREAM CORN

2 lb. frozen corn
1 stick butter
1/4 cup self rising flour
1/4 cup sugar
1 carton whipping cream
salt and pepper to taste.

Cook corn and butter in a large pot, add flour, sugar, and whipping cream.
Cook until mixture becomes thick, stirring frequently.  Milk can be added if corn becomes too thick.
Season with salt and pepper to taste, and enjoy!

If any of you try this, be sure you have someone with you who can dial 911 or shock you back to life with a defibrillator.

Good luck and good eatin'!

In all of the hurry and scurry of the season

It's hard to take a moment to sit back and be thankful.

Especially when the woman in front of you in line is nasty to the store clerk because she can't understand her accent.

Or when the person ahead of you lets the door slam in your face rather than taking an extra second to hold the door open.

Or when you get the finger from a sweet little old lady during the morning commute because you stopped at the yellow rather than running the red.

Sigh. The Most Wonderful Time of the Year gets to all of us eventually.

But I AM thankful.

Thankful for

• My wonderful family (even McGrandma), who sticks by me through everything, helps pick me back up and dust me off after a stumble, and somehow finds my personality flaws lovable
• Beau, for being a good sport, giving me so many fun and funny things to write about, and for being my true blue partner in crime (even though I can't stop coughing, which annoys him to no end)
• My wonderful friends who are all so funny, kind, and supportive. I'd be lucky to have just one of you in my life; I don't know what I did right to get all of you
• My cats. I'm a lady who has cats, not a Cat Lady. But I do love coming home to two fat, furry lumps of love every night
• My job. I'm happy just to have a job at a time like this. The fact that I work with amazing people and get to read for a living is gravy
• My health. Ok, I'm not *technically* healthy right now, but I'm on the road to recovery (and it could be so much worse). When I'm healthy again, I'll be even more thankful
• All of the little things that make each day worth it. Little gestures and chuckleworthy situations are what life is made of (they're what this blog is made of too)

And...

• In an effort to be truly thankful, I'm also glad that some folks showed their true colors this year. The big bad wolf is much easier to see (and avoid) when he takes off the grandma disguise. Thanks for letting me know who--and what--you are

Last but not least, I'm thankful for every person who reads my silly blog. It makes me happy to know someone out there cares enough to read it.

I hope your holidays are, at some point at least, happy and relaxing.

And try to be patient with the bird-flipping old lady. Maybe someone slammed the door on her earlier in the day. :)