When I was 16 or 17, I got an interesting piece of trivia from my doctor (who obviously had no idea how impressionable and easily grossed-out teenaged girls are).
He told me A good stool can weigh four pounds.
FOUR POUNDS.
"Good"?
This knowledge has followed me for years.
I hope you enjoy the burden of knowing as much as I have. :)
Monday, April 30, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
And it's on sale!
At TJ Maxx last weekend, I came across this little beauty (on clearance for $15).
Little is the operative word. Here it is next to a normal-length garment.
It has an anti-theft security tag on it.
Why?
Are women trying so hard to revive the Flashdance look that they might steal such an item?
Or perhaps it's the alluring combination of muffin-top and underboob that we're after here.
That MUST be it.
Little is the operative word. Here it is next to a normal-length garment.
It has an anti-theft security tag on it.
Why?
Are women trying so hard to revive the Flashdance look that they might steal such an item?
Or perhaps it's the alluring combination of muffin-top and underboob that we're after here.
That MUST be it.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
I am not a paid spokesperson
BUT...
Two weeks ago, I was in Vitamin Cottage buying healthy items to incorporate into utterly unhealthy meals.
I wandered into the pet section to see if there were any whole-grain, gluten-free, boring, healthy snacks for my cats.
I found a bag of food that looked interesting. It promised lots of things. On a whim, I bought it.
It had an especially appealing name: AVO DERM. Yum.
And it is amazing. A miracle in a bag.
My cats have more energy than they've had in years, the short-haired cat is very shiny and the long-haired cat is very fluffy, AND... nobody will believe me, but I have Beau as my witness... they're nicer (they're always nice to me, but they're skittish and moody around others. But not so much anymore!).
Buy it. Nobody's paying me to say this. Buy it.
Two weeks ago, I was in Vitamin Cottage buying healthy items to incorporate into utterly unhealthy meals.
I wandered into the pet section to see if there were any whole-grain, gluten-free, boring, healthy snacks for my cats.
I found a bag of food that looked interesting. It promised lots of things. On a whim, I bought it.
It had an especially appealing name: AVO DERM. Yum.
And it is amazing. A miracle in a bag.
My cats have more energy than they've had in years, the short-haired cat is very shiny and the long-haired cat is very fluffy, AND... nobody will believe me, but I have Beau as my witness... they're nicer (they're always nice to me, but they're skittish and moody around others. But not so much anymore!).
Buy it. Nobody's paying me to say this. Buy it.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Minor irritation
It drives me nuts when I go to a restaurant and the bill comes to, let's say, $10.47.
I put down a twenty.
The waitperson takes the check and the twenty and asks Do you need any change?
I'm a decent tipper, but the assumption that I'm going to give a 90%+ tip galls me.
Even if I WAS a 90% tipper, let me make that decision.
Sheesh.
Am I just ridiculously sensitive or does this bug everybody else?
I put down a twenty.
The waitperson takes the check and the twenty and asks Do you need any change?
I'm a decent tipper, but the assumption that I'm going to give a 90%+ tip galls me.
Even if I WAS a 90% tipper, let me make that decision.
Sheesh.
Am I just ridiculously sensitive or does this bug everybody else?
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Mr. Roper, cover for me. I'll be right back!!
On Saturday afternoon, Beau came bursting through my door at 4:00 and said IT'S HAPPY HOUR!
Who was I to argue?
So we walked to a nearby restaurant with a patio where he could sit in the glorious sunshine and I could sit in the glorious shade of a magnificent day.
While we ate sliders and drank beers, we noticed the couple next to us on the patio.
They were probably in their mid-40s, and they looked like they met on eHarmony (there's absolutely nothing wrong with meeting on eHarmony and I don't know why we think we can spot those, but we think we can).
They seemed normal enough (though he sported a buzzcut and a tattoo that looked like a cross between Obama and Alfred E. Neuman and she ordered a hunk of meat the size of her own head, which seemed like a difficult-to-navigate item on a date, but I digress).
But then there was weirdness.
He excused himself from the table. He left the patio. He left the restaurant. He walked across the street. And he was gone for 20 minutes.
He came back and ate and drank a little more.
And then he did it again!
And in between, he went to the men's room once or twice.
This is all in the span of about an hour and a half.
The first time, she was a good sport about it. The second time, she was PISSED (I can't say I blame her).
At first, Beau and I though he'd excused himself to snort coke in the john. But that's not a 20-minute activity that happens across the street.
Then we decided that he was reliving an old Three's Company plot line and had another date waiting across the street. Keep my date company, Mr. Roper! Chrissy's going to be so mad if I stand up her cousin, who's waiting for me across the street!
Luckily for him, I don't think he'll have to worry about juggling dates in the future.
Who was I to argue?
So we walked to a nearby restaurant with a patio where he could sit in the glorious sunshine and I could sit in the glorious shade of a magnificent day.
While we ate sliders and drank beers, we noticed the couple next to us on the patio.
They were probably in their mid-40s, and they looked like they met on eHarmony (there's absolutely nothing wrong with meeting on eHarmony and I don't know why we think we can spot those, but we think we can).
They seemed normal enough (though he sported a buzzcut and a tattoo that looked like a cross between Obama and Alfred E. Neuman and she ordered a hunk of meat the size of her own head, which seemed like a difficult-to-navigate item on a date, but I digress).
But then there was weirdness.
He excused himself from the table. He left the patio. He left the restaurant. He walked across the street. And he was gone for 20 minutes.
He came back and ate and drank a little more.
And then he did it again!
And in between, he went to the men's room once or twice.
This is all in the span of about an hour and a half.
The first time, she was a good sport about it. The second time, she was PISSED (I can't say I blame her).
At first, Beau and I though he'd excused himself to snort coke in the john. But that's not a 20-minute activity that happens across the street.
Then we decided that he was reliving an old Three's Company plot line and had another date waiting across the street. Keep my date company, Mr. Roper! Chrissy's going to be so mad if I stand up her cousin, who's waiting for me across the street!
Luckily for him, I don't think he'll have to worry about juggling dates in the future.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Clever worker bees
My friend Dani put this on one of our least favorite printers in the office.
It's pure genius.
It's pure genius.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Chickasha, Oklahoma
My best friend Lo lives in Chichasha, Oklahoma (pronounced Chick-A-Shay and Home of the Fightin' Chicks).
Today on her lunch hour, she saw these folks on their way to a Mensa meeting.
Apparently there was no rope available to secure the table in the back of the trailer (and no room in that huge van?), so these ladies decided to hold it down... with nothing holding THEM down other than gravity and considerable girth.
Rope is expensive anyway. Scooping brains off the pavement is free!
HAPPY REDNECK FRIDAY, EVERYONE!!!
Today on her lunch hour, she saw these folks on their way to a Mensa meeting.
 |
| Photo Credit: Lo, my favorite Fighin' Chick |
Apparently there was no rope available to secure the table in the back of the trailer (and no room in that huge van?), so these ladies decided to hold it down... with nothing holding THEM down other than gravity and considerable girth.
Rope is expensive anyway. Scooping brains off the pavement is free!
HAPPY REDNECK FRIDAY, EVERYONE!!!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Downsizing
I'm not a huge spring cleaner, but I recently came to the conclusion that my life would be better if I got rid of at least 33% of my belongings.
I, of course, have not done it. But I'm thinking about it, which gets me at least 33% there...
Right?
I've taken baby steps. You can see much more of the surface of my coffee table these days.
And... this is a big one... I've changed purses.
That doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is.
For years, I've carried huge bags with everything I might ever need inside:
So my mother bought me a new purse because she's awesome, the purse is adorable, and she's more than a little worried about permanent damage to my spine.
She'd thrown down the gauntlet. I was up to the challenge.
And guess what?
I can fit everything I need into it. There's even room for one pair of sunglasses (which is convenient, because I have one pair of eyes).
No back pain!
So goes the culling down of my life. Goodwill is gonna hit the jackpot this year!
I, of course, have not done it. But I'm thinking about it, which gets me at least 33% there...
Right?
I've taken baby steps. You can see much more of the surface of my coffee table these days.
And... this is a big one... I've changed purses.
That doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is.
For years, I've carried huge bags with everything I might ever need inside:
- At least two pairs of sunglasses
- A notepad in case I have an amazing idea
- At least nine tubes of lipgloss
- Keys to every lock I've ever encountered in my life
- No fewer than four pens
- Candy
- Cell phone
- Tweezers
- Perfume
- Gum
- Wallet
- Compact mirror
- Checkbook
- Hand sanitizer
- A hair clip or two
- Debit card receipts from burritos purchased over four months ago
- $7+ in change
- Any any other odds and ends I pick up along the way
So my mother bought me a new purse because she's awesome, the purse is adorable, and she's more than a little worried about permanent damage to my spine.
 |
| This purse could easily fit inside any of my other purses with plenty of room to spare. |
And guess what?
I can fit everything I need into it. There's even room for one pair of sunglasses (which is convenient, because I have one pair of eyes).
No back pain!
So goes the culling down of my life. Goodwill is gonna hit the jackpot this year!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
More office fun
If you're gonna call in sick on your birthday, you'd better be convincing about it.
Something tells me this dude (cough cough... sniffle. HORK!) will have a MIRACULOUS recovery the day after.
Something tells me this dude (cough cough... sniffle. HORK!) will have a MIRACULOUS recovery the day after.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Your invitation to unpleasantness
Nothing says you're willing to gamble away a weekend like picking up seafood with a sale sticker on it.
Hence my steadfast rule: No Sale Seafood in a Land-Locked State!!!
Good luck, suckas!
Hence my steadfast rule: No Sale Seafood in a Land-Locked State!!!
Good luck, suckas!
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