Ok pizza rolls....

Entertain me. :)

Speaking of zombies...

I'll be dressing up as one at work today. 

In preparation, I bought the standard zombie accoutrements (severed foot, plastic brain, appropriate makeup, and an old shirt of Beau's that I can destroy because--HELLO--I'm not destroying my own shirt). 

Oh, and blood. What's a zombie costume without blood?

Lemme tell ya, Rite Aid goes above and beyond in selling its fancy fake blood.

I had no idea that the fake blood market was so... cutthroat (oh yes I did).

It's THEATRICAL, PORTABLE, and used for HORROR DECOR!

It's DARKER AND RICHER than that bullshit you can buy at the costume shop next door.
It's MOVIE QUALITY, BITCHES!

Another way to kill zombies

According to a dream I had last Thursday night.

Feed them cheese.

Of course, this wasn't terribly helpful in the dream, because there was no electricity/refrigeration and we couldn't find any goats or cows.

Still, it's good information to pass along.

Who knew zombies were lactose intolerant?

Get out and vote, bitches!

This is a not-so-subtle reminder that people have fought for the rights we take for granted. I'm voting today (you can vote early in many states), and you should too!

It's your civic duty! If you don't vote, you are not allowed to bitch about the results later.

Best story I've heard this week

Last night at a happy hour, I ran into a former coworker whom I hadn't seen in awhile. He had some new tattoos on his arms that I hadn't seen before so I remarked on them. They were quite lovely.

He told me that they were relatively new.

I have these two (motioning to the ones on his arms), and a large piece on my back, he said.

I asked him what the piece on his back looked like and he told me that it was a paragraph.

A paragraph about what? I asked.

A paragraph explaining the shitty tattoo above it, he replied.

He then explained that he wanted to cover it up, but the tattoo artist told him that it was too big and too dark (and, frankly, too ugly) to cover up. So they came up with the paragraph idea instead.
This, I had to see. So I had him show me a picture of it on his phone.

I'll be damned if it ain't true.

It was a funny paragraph that ran the length of his back (he said it took five hours) that explains that the tattoo above isn't a map to dry land (who else would have a Waterworld reference inked in?) and that he was young and he thought it was really cool at the time. But now he can't remember what those Chinese symbols even mean anymore, and on and on.

In short, it. was. awesome.

And as you know, dear readers (all three of you), I feel compelled to share everything awesome (and weird and stupid and banal and disturbing) with you.

You're WELCOME!

The most interesting question I heard at the flea market last weekend

Does this mouthwash come in a different color?

Oh, spare me your precious sanctimony

This bag has taunted me for two days.

Why?

Because of THIS!

Translation: Back away from the candy bag, fat ass.

Screw you, M&Ms!

It's a good thing Beau and I don't share a checking account

He might have questioned this particular purchase had he seen this on the books.

BTW: It was Canvas and COCKTAILS. Get your minds out of the gutter.

My annual nerdy Halloween buzzkill

I find myself repeating this a lot. And nobody cares.

Frankenstein is the name of the doctor, not the monster.

The monster never gets a name in the book.

I know. You don't care.

When will the world learn...

That some things Just. Aren't. Sexy. 

Lawdy, help us all!