Bible lesson or career choice?

Beau and I were in line for popcorn before one of this summer's craptastic blockbuster movies started, and we were puzzled by the T-shirt on the gentleman in front of us.

We could tell it was religious, but if you don't plan on getting THAT CLOSE to the ass of a stranger, the fine print (which I've included below the photo) is lost, and this shirt looks... there's no other way to say it... PRO-CRUCIFIXION.

Doesn't it? Like it's some sort of vo-tech class.
Looking for a career in crucifixion? Here's what you'll need!

"Trade your life on Earth for Eternity in Heaven." Matthew 16:25... "Give what you cannot keep, to gain what you cannot lose."

All well and good. But for those who aren't as Bible literate as others, the message is a little perplexing.

Tell me I'm wrong, folks!

When the alarm goes off in the morning

I usually turn on Good Morning America and listen to the "news" as I wake up.

On sleepier mornings, it doesn't work out so well. Sometimes I fall asleep again. And sometimes I exist in a weird, half-conscious world.

The other morning was one of those mornings.

And when I finally woke up, I vowed to look up a news story that I'd heard as I was waking myself up.

I came into the office and started googling. And I googled and googled.

I found nothing.

Which is odd. I can see the entire newsreel in my head.

Which means... I fabricated the whole story (newsreel, supers, news crawl, voice overs).

Turns out, SELF-PROCLAIMED SHOE ADDICT FOUND MURDERED IN HOME is not a real story.

Though it is a revealing peek into my subconscious. 

Sorry to be blunt, but...

If you and I are in the ladies room at the same time and you have an... ass-splosion (and, hey, I don't care; where else are you going to have an ass-splosion???), please don't come out and merely pretend to wash your hands (really? just running them under the water for two seconds and walking out?) because you see me washing mine.

You're already at the sink. The water is on. Why not just go ahead and soap up? 

WASH. YOUR. HANDS.

If you are under 18...

Do not operate this machine. 

Do not "interact" with this machine. 

Do not sex this machine. 

Do not look at this machine. 

Do not buy this machine dinner or drinks. 

Do not accept candy from this machine. 

Do not ask this machine to plug your parking meter for you. 

Do not dogsit for this machine. 

Do not breathe heavily around this machine. 

What, you ask, is this machine?

Oooooh. The temptation must be fierce!

I love Peeps and I love bubble gum

But, somehow, I was able to pass these up.

I'm RSVPing no

To anything bearing the name "Splatter Party."

Only in my office...

... is it not altogether surprising to overhear someone leave a voicemail (in all seriousness) that sounds like this:

Hi, it's Blanche*. Remember that voodoo doll that I gave you awhile ago? Well, it turns out I'm gonna need it back. Please give me a call when you get this and I'll come by and pick it up. Thanks! Bye!

*NOT her real name. Lord knows *I* don't need a voodoo curse on my ass. :)

Eleven more fun things to say

1. Pilsner
2. Yasser Arafat
3. Lorazepam
4. Thwart
5. Contingency
6. Pugilist
7. Saskatoon
8. Sheboygan
9. Superfluous
10. Plunder
11. Complicit

Whachoo talkin' 'bout, Willis???

That is the ONLY THING this doll can possibly be saying.

As much as I love my pets

Fat Tabby will NEVER have to worry about this situation.

The dog's name is Beignet.

Pray for her.