For the 6-month-old

Who is confident that she can be happy without a man. 

WTF, Target???

Anthropomorphism part 1

I love finding faces in everyday things. 

Doesn't everybody?

Phone charger

Farm implement

Maple syrup cap

New Years Eve/Hooker Convention

Potato/Potato

My fashion sense

Was deeply ingrained in me long, long ago, as you can clearly see. 

I have GOT to replicate this look. 

People always ask me...

What do you put in your cookies to make them so delicious???

I tell them it's my secret ingredient. 

(Butt makes everything better)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Thanks, Facebook

For thinking my life might somehow be enhanced by knowing if complete strangers on the Internet think I'm hot. 

Or not. 

 

I'm thinking of writing a lifestyle book

Titled:  How to Get a Body Like This by Eating Starbucks Snowman Cookies and a Can of Green Beans for Lunch Every Day in the Month of December

The cover will feature a wiiiiiiiide-angle shot of me sitting on the couch with a glass of wine.

I'm thinking it could be a runaway hit.

I could become a publishing phenom!

I think I know what my new 2014 writing project will be!

Right challenge, wrong person

Recently, my grandma (yes, McDonald's Grandma) went to the doctor and got the following news:

You're too thin. I'm lifting all dietary restrictions. Eat full-fat everything. I want you to have gained 15 pounds when you come back for your appointment in two months. 

Mom and I are... to say the least... jealous. But we're totally excited to live vicariously. I bought her a bag of Fun Size Snickers (especially Fun when you have medical permission to eat the whole damn bag in one sitting if you want). Mom immediately took her out for ice cream.

Grandma isn't so thrilled. She spent the whole weekend saying things like "I don't know why my doctor would even say that. It's not like I've been TRYING to lose weight. I just don't know what to do about this."

Clearly, she's bragging.

And she's not going hog-wild on Cheetos binges. She might not have even opened the Snickers bag.

Fucking annoying.

This diagnosis is totally wasted on her.

*I* could hit her goal inside a month! I'm an achiever like that. 

Dammit.

First impressions

It's always interesting to meet someone's significant other....

And then glance down and realize he's wearing a T-shirt he got at a strip club.

#whatdoyouhavetodotoearnatshirt?

What makes it MY tree

I love that all of my favorite ornaments are dedicated to unhealthy foods and general weirdness. 

h