How Mom and I shop for Christmas

About a month ago, Mom and I went shoe shopping, and we both fell in love with a pair of rose-colored suede boots. 

We felt a little odd buying them for ourselves so close to Christmas, so each of us bought the other's boots. And we wrapped them up.

And on Christmas morning, we opened them at the same time and exclaimed how much we love them. :)

G'head, set those expectations now

I'm sure she'll grow up to be a perfectly lovely and well-adjusted 16-year-old who won't feel at all entitled to a real Mercedes.

Granted, I'm pretty easily impressed these days

But this short, pot-sized spaghetti at Target is fucking genius.

We're not at liberty to say what the sleeves are...

But we'll tell you what they're not.

How I know I'm ready for a vacation

At Target yesterday, I bought, among other things, six bags of chocolate chips.

The checker looked at the chips, looked at me, and asked "Doing a little baking?"

It took everything I had to smile and say "Yup."

But I was so tempted to say WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DOES SOMEONE DO WITH SIX BAGS OF CHOCOLATE CHIPS??

Yup, time for a break.

Couples, take heed

Last night, I met some girlfriends at a little neighborhood steakhouse. It's got great atmosphere. Dark and cozy.

Really cozy for some.

I've never understood couples who insist on sitting on the same side of the booth (when it's just the two of them). Unless you're cutting someone's meat for them or watching a show, it just seems odd. Scratch that. If you're cutting someone's meat for them, that's still odd. I like to look at the people I'm talking to/eating with. But hey, that's just me.

The couple next to my party sat on the same side of the booth, sharing a steak and having a snuggle party.

They hugged throughout the meal. HUGGED.

They were married, though, after awhile, I wondered if they were married to each other. I'm thinking they weren't. 

Folks, this is the only kind of booth that calls for constant public hugging. Otherwise, you're likely creeping out your fellow diners.

Secretly Slimming

All of the jeans/pants I try on are now marketed to me as slimming in some way.

It's a super-fun demographic to be in. I'm sure the next step is a polyester knit with elastic waistband-- once any notion of slimming inspires hysterical laughter. But I'll burn that bridge when I come to it.

Today's pants boast the fact that they're SECRETLY SLIMMING, which sent my mind a spinnin'.

• Are there slimming pants out there that make no secret of it (some sort of neon blinking tummy-control panel, maybe)?
• Do I look as big as a house but SECRETLY (soooooo secret that nobody knows) I'm slimming?
• Is it like a skinny mirror? Do I think they look great but SECRETLY, I really don't?

SOMEBODY LET ME IN ON THE SECRET! IT'S KILLING ME!

A glimpse into my paranoid mind

I hope I'm not the only one who feels like this.

But don't you wonder if you're on candid camera sometimes?

The time I feel it most is when I run into a woman I know in passing. I see her maybe once or twice a month, and she wears the most insane getups I've ever seen. (I'm sure they're very fashionable in the Big City, but I'm just a lowly copyeditor, so what do I know of these things?)

But whenever I see her, I get a little smile on my face. And then I immediately wonder if I'm being set up.

Pleasepleaseplease tell me I'm not the only one. 

I feel sooooooooo delicate

When my cat jumps on my lap and kneads my post-Thanksgiving gut like it's pizza dough. 

The stupidest thing that made me (a tiny bit) sad today

On my way in to work, I didn't feel like listening to the news on NPR, so I dialed around. I found Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car".

And, for the first time, maybe in forever, I listened intently to the whole song. (Ok, read the lyrics now and then look for my comments below.)

"Fast Car"

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere
Any place is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
Me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
Won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

See my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
His body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
Is it fast enough so we can fly away?
We gotta make a decision
Leave tonight or live and die this way

So remember when we were driving driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
We go cruising, entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a bigger house and live in the suburbs

So remember when we were driving driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

So remember when we were driving driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
Is it fast enough so you can fly away?
You gotta make a decision
Leave tonight or live and die this way


IT NEVER GOT BETTER FOR HER.

Somehow, I thought she got into the fast car and could pay the bills and it was a happy ending.

But noooooooo!

She ended up with a guy who lives at the bar, just like her dad.

It was a real downer to find that out this morning.