Pet favortism

Right out of the gate, let me explain that *I know* I'm crazy for thinking and acting this way (and for admitting it on the internets).

I have two pets, both of whom make my life better in so many ways.

But when I praise one, I'm secretly worried the other will hear and feel like I'm playing favorites. So when I talk to them (oh yes, I do that too. And don't you even start to tell me you don't talk to your own pets), I get really specific.

Examples:

Oh, Lola, you're my favorite... fat tabby in this whole house!

Miss Daisy, you're the prettiest... furry blue-eyed girl around.

Yes, I'm nuts. But you never know what they understand (ok, yes, we know what they understand, but I like to protect little furry feelings anyway).

One man's case for Scotchgard

I was sick last Wednesday, which meant I was basically sacked out on the couch all day.

Close scrutiny of the threadbare cushions made me realize that I need a new couch in a big way.

That, in turn, made me think of the day I bought the couch I have now. I was at Sofa Mart with my mom, and the salesman would not leave us alone. He was one of those smarmy salesmen too (complete with finger guns and winks). When I applied for a line of credit, he came back and said We have a problem. I just checked your credit... And it's so good, I should be selling you leather!! (Finger guns, wink, chuckle chuckle.)

I picked out a red couch with big, colorful flowers on it (which sounds awful, but I love it still).

He tried to sell me some sort of Scotchgard package. Here was his major selling point:

With this extra protection, you'll be able to get wine and bodily fluids out of this fabric with ease. 

(Finger guns, wink, wink.)


Wine and bodily fluids? WTF does this guy think goes on at my house? And my mother was RIGHT THERE.

Gross.

Please wish me luck on my next couch-buying endeavor.

Rock and roll all night... and part of every day*

Beau has a new roommate. Nice enough guy. Peculiar eye for decor, though.

Y'see, he's not a KISS fan. He's a KISS fanatic.

If you ever walk through a store and see, oh I don't know, a life-sized bust of Gene Simmons in full makeup and you wonder Who the hell would spend good money on this shit? 

He's the guy.

He's Gene Simmons' wet dream of a consumer.

He smokes. And he lights up using a KISS lighter. When the lighter is out of juice, he sets it aside as a keepsake.

After he'd moved in, I took a look around and found some new decorative touches at Beau's house (luckily, Beau's a good sport).

Here are some highlights.

The Bust. Those are vipers around his neck, BTW.

HUGE framed poster.

Somethin' to cuddle.

Lava lamp (there are two of these).

Action figures (so special they deserve their own case!).

My personal favorite. A glittery, light-up snow globe. It changes colors, too.

And good news for you ladies out there... he's SINGLE!

*Yes, I know those aren't the lyrics.

If I have to wear one, you have to wear one

Come on, guy. I don't care how hot it is. Put on a damn shirt.

Because I gripe about winter wardrobe phenomena, I might as well run with my summer gripe.

Men who go shirtless in public when there's no pool within 50 yards.

I have to wear a shirt all summer long. And, because I'm not That Girl, I wear a bra under there too. I think you can suffer through the sweltering heat a cotton T-shirt might generate.

As much as you might think we do, we actually don't want to see your hairy man boobs, back hair, and beer belly.

And, yes, I'll admit that there are some examples out there that aren't nearly as offensive. But it's a matter of class and principle. Gentlemen, have some class. Wear shirts.

Save the show for folks who want to see it.

Please.

Haiku of the day

Sweaty little gnat
Tells me how to do my job
I'm gonna squash him

According to all of the comments on YouTube

I'm the only person on earth who finds this commercial annoying.

Things I bought at Target but didn't need Vol.3

This plastic froggy pencil pouch. $1.99.

I love it when the new school supplies arrive in the store!

Instead of pencils, I put lipgloss in here.

Little Debbie mini donuts. $.75.

Best $.75 I've spent in a long, long time. 

Yes, that is my car key. Yes, I gobbled them up as soon as
I got into the car before I drove home.
Judge if you will.

Because I'm a little bit evil...

I think about throwing this switch every day.

This switch is connected to the A/C of my mean-old-lady neighbor (the one who told my parents she thought I was a bad person--I was brand-new to the neighborhood and she'd never met me).

I walk by it every day. And it just calls out to me. It wouldn't do any REAL harm. And it would totally serve her right. I could even switch it back the next day.

But because I'm a little bit good...

I don't.

(But boy do I want to. Just once!)

Dear cokehead

Something just doesn't ring true when you say the following:

Do you know where I can score some blow? I used to be a cokehead.

Just puttin' that out there.

:)

Ouch (chuckle chuckle)

Back in high school, two of my good friends (I'm happy to say I'm still friends with them both) had a disagreement about something on a rainy day.

Two things you need to know regarding the rest of this story:

1. He is colorblind.
2. She is not. 

The disagreement got a little heated, and they parted ways. She was fuming. So she dealt one last parting shot that would level any respectable, colorblind high school boy in the early 90s in the south:

BY THE WAY, she said, THAT UMBRELLA YOU'RE CARRYING IS PINK!

Still makes me chuckle.