More crap you don't need

Holiday catalogs do not disappoint, my friends.

Popsicle Maker.
Psst! You already have one of these.
Hint: it's attached to your refrigerator.

Cotton Candy Maker.
Just how jacked up on sugar do you want your kids to be this season?

Emeril-Inspired Kitchen Towels.
Save your money and put it toward a douchebag forehead tattoo instead.

Skewer Station.
Because "showcasing grilled meat and veggie skewers" on plates is sooooo 2010?

Snowball/Snow Block Maker Set.
If your kids are lazy/prissy enough to need this, they're in front of the TV
with no desire to play outside in the snow anyway.

And, last but not least...

These leopard-print PJs. Not because they're useless, mind you. But because they seem to pack a little more than flannel and an elastic waistband.

The adorable deviousness of the six-year-old mind

My dear friend Lana Greck has a sweet, spunky six-year-old named Addy.

Today I got this message from Lana:

I was fixing Addy’s hair this morning and she asked if she could use my comb so she could text me. She says “Mom, you got a text from a girl named, um, Addy Greck. Do you know her? She says she loves you and she is your best friend.” 

I said “Aw, that is nice.”

“Mom, you just got a text from Zickle! She says that she hopes an alligator eats you at work today! I guess you can’t be friends with HER anymore! Addy sure is a nicer friend, isn’t she?”

A little jealousy there, but I couldn’t stop laughing.

That's the cutest character assassination I've ever experienced.

PS: I'd be sad if an alligator ate Lana. VERY sad. :)

Crap you don't need

I get a lot of holiday catalogs these days.

What makes me chuckle is the number of items in these catalogs that are completely stupid and unnecessary. (And usually pretty expensive for what you get.)

The most recent one came from the Macy's catalog.

It's a $100 (on sale--SAVE $40!) soda maker--I'm sorry, I mean SODASTREAM GENESIS.

How many liters of soda would you have to make with this thing to make it financially viable? Considering the fact that you also have to buy the soda syrups (also on sale!) at Macy's, my verdict is that you'd have to make more soda than you'd ever want to to make this thing worth it.

Also, I imagine that the fun would die after you made about six liters of soda. And then it would just be a job.

And who has the counter space for shit like this? 

This is fun! I'll keep my eyes open for more Crap You Don't Need.

Stay tuned.

Dear Wallgreens Clinic Doctor/PA/RN

The joke about following me home to be sure I followed your health instructions was kind of funny once.

By the fourth time you repeated it, it was downright creepy.

Yeesh.

I'm already sick of

Those damn Lexus Christmas commercials.

An unsuspecting individual walks out the front door to discover a brand-new Lexus with a big red bow on it.

And everybody rejoices.

Give me a break.

The last thing that would make me happy on Christmas day is finding out that my significant other had just saddled us both with a $500-a-month lease without consulting me.

Bah-humbug.

The downside of eHarmony

Beau and I have a friend who's trying to meet ladies on eHarmony.

We asked how it was going and he said he was pissed off that the site was only setting him up with old ladies.

I found this perplexing and asked a few questions.

Turns out, he's a young buck in the prime of his life... but women his own age are old ladies.

Sigh.

Sad and sweet

I buy a lot of used books (better for the environment, better for my budget).

Most of the time, they're just normal, everyday books.

But every so often, there's a little gem. Something someone used as a bookmark, a note scribbled in the margin, or--my favorite--an inscription.

The book I'm reading now has an inscription that makes me smile and makes me sad and--above all--makes me wonder.

It's more of an apology than an inscription. Maybe Erik thought his dad would inevitably complain about the small print. Or maybe Erik is just very considerate and sincerely searched for a large-print version. Did Erik's dad request the book? What did Erik think his dad would like about it? Did he even like it (it did, after all, end up in a pile of used books). The signoff at the end is very sweet. What kind of relationship did they have? 

And I wonder and wonder and wonder.

(And I'll continue to wonder until I'm done with the book--that's how dorky I am.)

The Highlands Ranch High School drama department

Made a bold choice this fall.

Is it just me, or is this a little... deep for high school students?

Chicken-fried circle of hell

I love my grandpa.

He's a WWII hero and truly a great man.

Dad called me on Veterans Day Eve to ask if I wanted to go to dinner with them and Grandma and Grandpa the next evening.

Me: Sure, where are we going?

[Insert theme music from Jaws]

Dad: It's your Grandpa's choice.

Me: Ok, so where?

[Music swells]

Dad: You know where.

Sigh. I did know. Too bad I'd already said yes...

As much as Grandma loves McDonald's, Grandpa loves the Old Country Buffet.

I loathe the Boo-Fay. First of all, the world OLD is already in the name, which gives you a clue about the clientele.

The nickname I've given the place will give you another hint: The Shovel. Why? Because people shovel massive amounts of food on their plates. And then they shovel it down their gullets. And then they repeat the transaction. This is a place with a lot of elastic waistbands lumbering around.


It's a frickin' cattle call in there. Everybody grazing around, elbowing people out of the way in an effort to get to flavorless, sub-par food. Starch-a-palooza. And NOBODY MOVES. They also let their kids run around like maniacs (because they've, of course, gone for dessert first, so they're all hyped up on sugar).

Lemme run down a list of just a few of the things I encountered on my night at The Shovel.

• A woman in a rabbit-fur coat.
• A soft taco that was so not soft that it CRACKED when I went to fold it in half. Yum. After that, I was too scared to try the hard tacos and ditched the Mexican food idea entirely.
• A child, accompanied by his dad, no less, who had an entire plateful of French fries. No veggies. No protein. Just fries. Nutritious! (Meanwhile, after the Taco Incident, I decided to play it safe with a plate of vegetables. Grandma didn't think that was a good meal for me. How is a plate of vegetables a bad choice for a meal??? I give up.)
• Actual RAGE that there was no pie available at the exact moment when one fella wanted it. Employees were in the process of going to get more pie, but it was too damn late! 
• And, my favorite.... I. Saw. ASSCRACK at the boo-fay. 

Buh-bye appetite.

Like I said, I love my grandpa.

And now that you know what I'm willing to undergo on a Friday night for him, I think you know just how much I mean that.

Wedding crap

I've mentioned before that I like to buy bridal magazines because I love pretty dresses and cake.

I subscribed to my favorite one because those things are expensive and because it's nicer to have them delivered right to my home (just like I do with all of my porn subscriptions).

One drawback to this subscription is that I've made my way onto a few mailing lists for other bridey stuff. Stuff I don't want, need, or care about.

Like the wedding crap catalog I got in the mail last week. It's filled with the tackiest wedding items I've ever seen (mostly, I guess, because I'm only invited to nice weddings).

If only I'd taken a few photos to post...

Oh wait! I did!

Nothin' says I'm in it for the long haul like a Wedding Ring Shot Glass.
Only $5 per dozen!

Honestly, if you could convince your fiance to wear this (it's TOP RATED),
how could you respect him enough to marry him?

Same goes for these douchey wedding-party socks. If they don't know
who they are, how are these socks going to help?

A classy way for your guests to keep their canned beverages cold
at your wedding.

An even classier (and inflatable!) way to make those beverages cold.
(I spy screw-top wine!)

Screw-top wine, beer koozies, and inflatable beer tubs
are the perfect recipe for a weddin' rave!

If a rave ain't your thing, take the sophisticated route with these lovely
rose candles. Fire hazzard, schmire hazzard.

And don't forget to give your guests the gift that keeps on giving when they
leave: LOTTO TICKETS!

NOW THAT'S CLASS!!!