How to please your man*

(*If your man likes pickles. Women like them too, but I'm using the Cosmo theory of pulling folks in with unnecessarily sexy headlines.)

Make these. They're easy, tasty, and fast. Beau and my dad and the fellas in the office who've tried them give 'em two thumbs up.

Nearly Hands-Free Dill Pickles
(courtesy of RealSimple.com)

[my tweaks appear in pink]

Makes 16 spears| Hands-On Time: 05m |

Ingredients

• 4 Kirby cucumbers (about 1 pound), quartered lengthwise [I used the cucumbers I had]
• 3/4 cup white wine vinegar [Plain old white vinegar works well; it's not as acidic]
• 1/4 small sweet onion (such as Vidalia or Walla Walla), thinly sliced
• 2 cloves garlic, smashed [I used a bit more, but I like garlic]
• 2 tablespoons sugar [That's a helluva lot of sugar; I used one tablespoon]
• 1 teaspoon dill seed
• 1 teaspoon black peppercorns
• 1 bay leaf
• kosher salt
• [If you like a kick, give it a couple of shots of red pepper flakes]

Directions

1. Place the cucumbers in a 1-quart jar or some other container with a tight-fitting lid.
2. In a bowl, combine the vinegar, onion, garlic, sugar, dill seed, peppercorns, bay leaf, 2 teaspoons salt, and ¾ cup hot tap water. Stir until the sugar dissolves.
3. Pour the vinegar mixture into the jar with the cucumbers, cover, and refrigerate for at least 1 day before serving. The pickles will last up to 1 week.

Fruity false bill of goods

You hear a car door slam outside your house.
A delivery man approaches the door.
Ding-dong!
For me? Oh, how exciting! It's a bouquet... of fruit.

We've seen the commercials. And let me tell you, NOBODY is that happy to get fruit. Especially when you know that it's $12 worth of fruit that's been cut, arranged, and sold for $50 or more.

It's FRUIT, people.

Menu of the Gods

Beau is having surgery (not minor, but not major either... minjor?) on Friday. I'm his designated driver/nursemaid/pharmacy runner.

I told him I was heading to the store tonight and I asked if he had any requests for food over the weekend.

I'll try to accurately transcribe his detailed list below:

• Chicken soup
• Cheese sticks

:)

How important are McNuggets to you?

Important enough to go on a rampage and end up in jail?

Check out the crazy McNugget Lovah below. She lost her shit when she found out that McNuggs aren't on the breakfast menu.

The magic begins at around the 1:16 mark.

PEANUT M&Ms ARE ON MY DIET!!*

*They're not, but it does look kind of official when it's all typed out like this. Wishful thinking. 

In my heart, I believe

That people order fajitas for the attention. They order them for that moment when the tray rounds the corner out of the kitchen and everybody hears:

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

And, of course, when you hear that noise, even though you know what it is, you turn around.

And that, in my humble and silly opinion, is the moment the fajitaeater lives for. :)

I've eaten them. And they're good. But they're not that good.

Mmmmmm.... donuts

Since I've started this new (mandatory) heart-healthy diet, I find myself fantasizing about eating donuts.

A lot.

I think about donuts with the frequency and longing of a Twihard thinking of that creepy vampire [Side note: those books suck ass; don't even try to defend them].

The coworker who thought there were 52 states? I named those states in my head: Donutland and Cheeseville. I'd love to visit this summer.

I haven't seen this particular episode, but in the opening credits of the Man vs. Food on the Travel Channel, Adam holds up a donut the size of Texas. It's bigger than his head. I doubt I'd succeed, but I'd sure love to give that challenge the old college try [Side note: how does he complete those insane eating challenges without 1) having a coronary and 2) suffering internal bleeding?].

I totally understand where Homer Simpson's coming from. 

And this entry has done nothing more than make me want more donuts.

Whimper.

Where are those damn rice cakes?

*Sigh* None for Me, Thanks

It looks like my Twinkie free-for-all is over. I have to break up my hot threesome with Ben and Jerry. My 80:20 crap to veggies ratio is a thing of the past. Come Cookie Season, the Girl Scouts are gonna have to find a new sucka.

Turns out my triglycerides are too high (which, I'm sure, will shock those of you who read my ode to candy conversation hearts awhile back).

And, because that's a problem in the family history, I guess I should pay attention.

I did some research on the diet that helps lower triglycerides naturally. This is how it shakes out:

• No fried foods. (Ok, that's not really a problem. I don't eat much fried food as it is.)
• No fatty meats. (Eh, I don't eat a lot of meat either.)
• No full-sugar sodas or fruit juices. (I start my day with a Diet Pepsi, so no biggie there.)
• No white breads, rice, or pasta. (Wait. Does that include pizza? What about shrimp lo mein? Whimper... whimper.)
• No cookies, cakes, pies, and especially no donuts. (But...)
• No candy or chips. (You're killing me, here.)

And then I got the worst of the news:

• Limit alcohol intake to a maximum of one drink per day. (WHAT??? Nooooooo! It can't be true. Wine is GOOD for you. GOOD, I say! Why must bad things happen to good people? Why, God? WHY???)

So, after I came in off of the ledge, I started getting rid of the foods I shouldn't have and started buying foods I should. It's not all bad; a lot of the foods I'm supposed to like are foods I actually do like quite a bit. But at the end of a long day at work, it's just not as easy to relax after a glass or two of chickpeas. When my birthday rolls around, I don't want to see a candle stuck in a brown rice cake. When I go to the ballgame, I want a beer and a hotdog, not a sparkling water with a side of whole-wheat cous cous.

But I'm adjusting. It's not as hard as I thought it would be; when you have an actual reason to pass something up, it feels a bit better. But I still cheat a litle bit. A girl can't be good all the time.

The new regimen has changed a lot of things. The house has good cooking smell and there's more of a healthy atmosphere; even my appliances are relaxing a bit. My dryer has suddenly stopped shrinking my pants!!

Tootsie Roll, I Think I'm in Love With You

My favorite Saturday-morning-cartoon commercial from 1977 (and, yes, I'm dating myself).