20 things I'd tell my 13-year-old self

1. You are not fat. You will look back at these days and curse yourself for thinking that you were fat.
2. The better you think your hair looks now will be in direct proportion to how ridiculous that style looks 20 years later.
3. Your T-shirts don't really need to be XXL. 
4. Your parents know so much more than you give them credit for. 
5. It's ok that that boy doesn't like you back. He grows up to have political leanings and opinions that are diametrically opposed to yours. It never would have worked out. 
6. You will never get any better at math, and you will never use algebra in real life.
7. Some of the friends you have now will be with you your whole life. 
8. Enjoy those guilt-free double-doozie cookies and full-sugar cokes while you can. 
9. At some point, you will understand and actually appreciate the reason why your parents never bought you that ridiculously expensive handbag. 
10. That independent streak of yours will keep you in good stead.
11. Stop worrying about what other people think of you; they're much too busy worrying about what other people think of them to bother with you.
12. Be patient; boys will grow to be taller than you are. 
13. That frizzy hair you have now is actually curly; you will learn how to style it eventually. 
14. That dream you had about a computer that spits out answers when you type in questions actually comes true. It's called Google. 
15. It's ok to be a bookworm; in fact, you'll make a career out of it. 
16. Contrary to popular belief, it's actually better to be different than it is to be like everyone else. 
17. Your predictions for where you'd be and what you'd be doing in the year 2000 at the age of 26 were waaaaaaay off. 
18. You think Grandma treats you like a four-year-old now? Wait until you're 37. (She actually gives you a BATHROOM SCALE for Christmas '08).
19. Being nerdy will be a badge of honor (of sorts) later on.
20. Get used to it now; life will always be a little bit like Junior High.

23 things that are fun to say

1. Chapultepec
2. Tajikistan 
3. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad*
4. Quotidian
5. Tika Masala
6. Du Fluurgen Buurgen**
7. Baton Rouge
8. Fernando
9. Mellifluous
10. Plume
11. Marmalade
12. Beauregard
13. Sashimi
14. Splenectomy
15. Rohypnol
16. Interlocutor 
17. Superfluous 
18. Perpendicular
19. Perforation
20. Turpitude
21. Pawhuska
22. Imprecision 
23. Intrauterine

*Not all words that are fun to say are actually good things.
**Not all fun words to say are actually words.

35 things that just don't do it for me

1. People who let silverware hit their teeth when they eat
2. When something is lodged in my teeth and nobody tells me
3. Those Martina McBride SunnyD commercials
4. When anchors editorialize on CNN
5. Folks who try to hijack the prepositions around and against (with dumbass results)
6. Folks who can't be happy about others' good fortune
7. Bad hold music
8. TV static
9. The use of the apostrophe to denote pluralization (when you ONLY use it to denote ownership or a contraction)
10. Passive voice
11. Passive aggression
12. Folks who let the door slam behind them instead of waiting one extra second and holding it for the person following them
13. Anyone who says excuse you, when they feel they've been slighted in some way (see 11)
14. Papercuts
15. Fish in the microwave
16. When someone changes lanes and leaves their blinker on
17. The question Can I ask you a question?
18. When anyone tells me You look like you need something to do
19. The way that high school boys get to look like boys but high school girls feel pressured to (or *shudder* actually want to) look hookered out
20. Men who go shirtless in public
21. Folks who always Reply All
22. Funnel cakes
23. Gristle
24. People who tell me what to do
25. When anybody hangs up on me
26. Strapless bras
27. People who flip out when I mention that the difference between Coke and Pepsi doesn't really matter that much to me
28. The 927 Viagra spam e-mails I get each day
29. That eye twitch that arrives with stressful situations and sticks around for a week
30. Folks who are just a little too smug about always buying organic
31. Individuals who walk in the front doors of a Big Box store and just stand there in awe (note, this is most annoying when I am behind said person)
32. Flossing
33. Velveeta
34. Folks who add an H to my name where an H clearly does not belong
35. Breaking News that is neither Breaking nor News
    

36 things I love

1. My parents/family
2. Beau
3. My friends
4. My cats
5. Watching the tea seep out of the tea bag when I dunk it in hot water
6. Books
7. That crunchy noise that dry leaves make when you step on them
8. Really great pens (I'm partial to the Pilot Precise V5 Rolling Ball in green)
9. Autumn
10. Sleeping in
11. A good sneeze
12. The smell of bubble gum
13. The number 13
14. The occasional donut
15. Lazy, agenda-free afternoons
16. When Rush Limbaugh/Glenn Beck make fools of themselves
17. CHEESE
18. Inside jokes
19. The letter N
20. 75-degree days
21. A handful of nickels 
22. Snow with big, fluffy flakes
23. Bright colors
24. A Cherry Cricket burger with avocado, smoked cheddar, and Dijon mustard (if you haven't had one, you really haven't lived)
25. Those rare and elusive shoes that are both cute AND comfortable
26. Rainstorms
27. Belly laughs
28. Modern art
29. September (I like writing 9s in the date)
30. School supplies
31. Being right (really, who doesn't?)
32. Compelling fiction (in the form of film, TV, or book--it doesn't really matter)
33. True crime shows on TV (48 Hours rocks)
34. Contentedness 
35. Crisp, clean sheets
36. Friendships so entrenched that all you have to do is look at each other and you both burst out laughing

Menu of the Gods

Beau is having surgery (not minor, but not major either... minjor?) on Friday. I'm his designated driver/nursemaid/pharmacy runner.

I told him I was heading to the store tonight and I asked if he had any requests for food over the weekend.

I'll try to accurately transcribe his detailed list below:

• Chicken soup
• Cheese sticks

:)

15 things I learned at my first (and likely last) Rush concert

1. It's kind of a sausage fest. 
2. When the show is a sausage fest, there are NO LINES to get into the ladies' room (which blew, and continues to blow, my mind). 
3. From what I observed about the group of fellas next to me, doing boatloads of blow and smoking a ton of weed make you an excellent air drummer/air guitarist.
4. It is not necessary to shave, get haircuts, or even shower regularly to be a die-hard Rush fan. 
5. Bands made up of older dudes tend to start right on time (which is nice). 
6. Ten-minute drum solos still happen in real life.
7. There are bands out there who still perform for three and a half hours. 
8. The tailgating is fun, because the fans are really nice (they share their SunChips!).
9. Dudes in the parking lot sell glass pipes pre-packed and ready to go! :P
10. In the beer line, you shouldn't make a joke about the dude who looks like he hired his date until you know for sure whether or not that dude is a highly respected, retired Colorado Avalanche player (who knew he'd be so short!).
11. It's a pretty mellow crowd until everyone has to make their drunken way down the stairs (at Red Rocks) at the end of the evening. Then you hear things like I have a feeling I'm gonna hurt myself reeeeeeeal bad.
12. Rush fans are fanatics who know every word to every song and happily stand for the duration of the show. 
13. The band, whether it's your kind of music or not, is really tight and extremely talented. And they seem like super-nice fellas.
14. It is possible to get veeeeeery sleepy at a 2-billion-decibel show. 
15. Whether you like the band or not, if it makes someone you love happy to go, it's totally worth it.
    

In honor of Love Yourself Week

Here are 30 things I do well.

1. Make couscous (especially Moroccan Peanut and Tomato Dill versions)
2. Drive (everybody thinks they do this well, but not everybody does)
3. Speak my mind when the situation calls for it
4. Win over cats, dogs, and little kids
5. Sleep in
6. Screen calls (I'll admit it; I loathe the telephone)
7. Simultaneously watch TV and do a crossword puzzle (it used to be watch TV and do homework)
8. Obliterate passive voice in advertising copy (it runs RAMPANT)
9. Handwriting
10. Wear red
11. Care for my huge mane of curly hair
12. Relax (this is surprisingly difficult for a number of people)
13. Paint my own toenails
14. Read
15. Spell
16. Make lists
17. Feed the neighborhood squirrels
18. Live pretty well on the salary I make
19. Give hugs
20. Pay my bills on time
21. Finding the scritchy-scratch place behind the ears that make cats happy
22. Tune out extraneous noise in an effort to concentrate on the job at hand
23. Shop sales (which helps with no. 18)
24. Live alone/enjoy solitude
25. Eat well (meaning, I'm a good eater, not that I eat carrots and celery)
26. Make myself laugh (maybe others, but definitely myself)
27. Diffuse tense situations
28. Find good books on Amazon.com for cheap (I've got it down to a science)
29. Give gifts
30. Love the people (human and furry) who mean the most to me

23 things I learned on my road trip to Santa Fe over the weekend

1. Beau is a jerky-eating machine
2. He can also down a 24-oz. can of Starbucks Double-Shot Espresso in record time
3. Las Vegas, New Mexico, is the place where old school buses go to die
4. Convenience stores are much cleaner than I initially gave them credit for
5. The clouds in New Mexico are so beautiful they look like they've been photoshopped
6. At Trader Joe's, you can buy 15 bottles of wine, two six-packs, and snacks for $111 (I was stocking up, btw, I'm not that much of a boozer)
7. You can spend 78 straight hours with someone and still love them at the end of the trip
8. Our hotel-room neighbors to the west liked to have ridiculously loud early morning sex (5:30 a.m.??? Come on, people!)
9. Breakfast tastes better with chorizo
10. Contemporary Chamber Music sounds a lot like the music you hear when the heroine finds out that the call is coming from inside the house!
11. Overpacking is always better than underpacking (unless you're going to Europe)
12. Las Vegas, New Mexico, has a billboard that says As Seen In the Movies! They're not kidding; All the Pretty Horses, No Country for Old Men, Easy Rider, the Lonesome Dove series, and a slew of others were filmed there
13. Any time my dad calls me when I'm on vacation with Beau, he starts every chat/message with the words I hope I'm not interrupting anything...
14. I'm not usually a fan of religious iconography, but I find myself drawn to it in Santa Fe and I always come back with something bearing the likeness of the Virgin Mary
15. Fatherhood has tamed the craziest bachelor I've ever met 
16. Any time you set the cruise control on the car, someone will inevitably cut you off and slow way the eff down to screw it up for you
17. Beau's musical tastes are much broader than I initially thought (he sat through Kenny Rogers' You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lucille without even wincing)
18. The man who invented the home pregnancy test is a fan of Contemporary Chamber Music (I met him)
19. Sometimes you DO get to see the person who's driving like a maniac get pulled over (it's one of life's sweeter moments, I assure you)
20. It's freeing to go out of town without your watch
21. You never have to ask yourself if your outfit (big floppy hat and long gauzy dress to fight sun damage) looks stupid in Santa Fe because everyone's outfit looks a little stupid in Santa Fe. Nobody cares
22. They put green chili on everything in Santa Fe
23. When you see a double rainbow, it's not nearly as exciting as that dude on YouTube lets on

Two things I'm tired of seeing on television

1. Fat guy with skinny wife.
How many shows (on or off the air) can you count where the lovable, roly-poly fat guy has a perky, beautiful, skinny wife? Without even trying, I can think of six. And I'm sure there are at least a dozen more.

Now count how many shows there are where the fat wife has an adoring, handsome, trim husband. Go ahead, think hard... time's up.

At least there was equality on Roseanne (which, I'll freely admit, I loved). 
 
2. Smart wife with stupid husband.
Beau and I were watching TV last weekend when one of those annoying Kmart layaway commercials came on. The wife, a clear candidate for mensa, announces that she's on her way to Kmart for school supplies. Her husband, a man who can somehow figure out how to use a garden hose but nonetheless has the mental acuity of a banana slug (no offense to banana slugs), is flummoxed. Why would she go shopping for school supplies NOW? It's summer! She patiently explains Kmart layaway to the mental midget and is on her way, leaving him in awe of her genius. I'm including the Christmas version below (which begs the question, why do they keep having the same damn conversation?). I turned to Beau and asked Don't mental equals ever marry? 


Annoying.

Newbie nicknames

In this office, there are so many new faces that it's nearly impossible to keep up. I find myself giving these folks nicknames (in my head, of course, never out loud) instead of actually learning their names (which is lazy on my part, I'll admit).

So, as they parade by my desk on any given day, these are the names that go through my head:

• Girl who cut her hair (but shouldn't have)
• Girl who never smiles
• Girl who never washes her hands in the bathroom, yet is a maniacal toothbrusher
• Guy who couldn't possibly be old enough to work here
• Girl who might be pregnant, but who also might have just had a burrito
• Guy who wore a tie on his first day
• Guy who drives the wrong way in the parking garage during peak hours
• Snotty intern
• Deer-in-the headlights girl
• Guy who looks like The Dude
• Guy with the jingly pants
• Girl who wears stripper perfume

I'll never remember their actual names.

Generational double-standard

My grandmother and I have a... different kind of relationship. We try to get along (and, believe it or not--and most of you won't after reading this--a lot of the time we do), but because we're so much alike (according to the folks who know us best), we know where all of the buttons are and push them (with glee) when it gets right down to it. We really got going when I hit puberty and started asserting my independence. We've gotten in some good licks over the years.

She has:

• Upon seeing me for the first time in over a year, said I do believe you've gained weight! instead of Hello or I've missed you.
• Asked me at Thanksgiving dinner if I've ever thought of running a comb through my hair. When I told her that you can't comb curly hair without making it frizzy, she replied Oh, I just thought you might want to look nice sometime.
• Given me a bathroom scale for Christmas. (Let's note here that I am healthy, and I don't have a weight problem.)
• Turned to me after watching Ghostbusters and said (in all seriousness) You know this is all make-believe, don't you? This didn't really happen. (I was 12.)
• Said Well, I don't know to me after ANY recitation of fact on my part.
  The sun rose this morning, Grandma.
  Well, I don't know.
• Told me, after I suffered through an abusive relationship and a torturous escape from it, Well, he sure was handsome.

You get the gist.

I, in return, have:

• Graduated from not one, but two major universities without landing a husband (cardinal sin in her eyes, not to mention a terrible waste of tuition money).
• Held it over her head that I learned to drive and she did not. When she backseat drives, I tell her that when she gets her license, she can tell me how to drive. 
• Refused to take her shit (which gets to her more than anything because everyone takes her shit). 
• Because she's a staunch teetotaler, I've occasionally tipped a glass in front of her. 
• When I was 13, terrorized her with the microwave (she did not have one at home and was frightened of them) by wrenching open the door while it was cooking and shoving my hand inside (multiple times) to freak her out. 
• Worn flip-flops, despite the fact that, according to her, I was not raised that way. Whatever that means. 

And it goes on. Tit for tat. It's just how we exist and communicate. But there's one thing about her and many of the women in her generation that I will simply never understand. She values men more than she values women. She defers to men on every occasion. Nothing a woman could say could ever be smarter than something a man could say. Nothing a woman does will ever outweigh what a man does.

Case in point, yesterday (Father's Day), Grandma was showing me the practicality of her wallet/purse combo (as opposed to the huge, impractical sack I lug around--whatever, 22 tubes of lipgloss won't fit into a wallet/purse). When we got to the pictures section, there was a picture of my ne'er-do-well, good-for-nothing step-brother who has not been around or done anything nice for or with the family in well over a decade (we don't even know where he lives). He's stolen from my parents and disrespected them in countless ways. But there his picture was (mine was nowhere to be seen, even though I've been there for every birthday, holiday, and family function and/or emergency).

But alas, he sure was handsome in that wallet photo.