35 things that just don't do it for me

1. People who let silverware hit their teeth when they eat
2. When something is lodged in my teeth and nobody tells me
3. Those Martina McBride SunnyD commercials
4. When anchors editorialize on CNN
5. Folks who try to hijack the prepositions around and against (with dumbass results)
6. Folks who can't be happy about others' good fortune
7. Bad hold music
8. TV static
9. The use of the apostrophe to denote pluralization (when you ONLY use it to denote ownership or a contraction)
10. Passive voice
11. Passive aggression
12. Folks who let the door slam behind them instead of waiting one extra second and holding it for the person following them
13. Anyone who says excuse you, when they feel they've been slighted in some way (see 11)
14. Papercuts
15. Fish in the microwave
16. When someone changes lanes and leaves their blinker on
17. The question Can I ask you a question?
18. When anyone tells me You look like you need something to do
19. The way that high school boys get to look like boys but high school girls feel pressured to (or *shudder* actually want to) look hookered out
20. Men who go shirtless in public
21. Folks who always Reply All
22. Funnel cakes
23. Gristle
24. People who tell me what to do
25. When anybody hangs up on me
26. Strapless bras
27. People who flip out when I mention that the difference between Coke and Pepsi doesn't really matter that much to me
28. The 927 Viagra spam e-mails I get each day
29. That eye twitch that arrives with stressful situations and sticks around for a week
30. Folks who are just a little too smug about always buying organic
31. Individuals who walk in the front doors of a Big Box store and just stand there in awe (note, this is most annoying when I am behind said person)
32. Flossing
33. Velveeta
34. Folks who add an H to my name where an H clearly does not belong
35. Breaking News that is neither Breaking nor News
    

I don't like it when

My ex clicks "Like" on my Facebook status.

It feels condecending.

New fake word

One of my coworkers just invented this one.

Delighter: (noun) something that delights.

The Sunday brunch was a significant delighter to Mom.

I give up.

Fat, furry alarm clock

Lola, my cute tabby cat (that's her on the left, not just some cat model lifted from Google), has packed on some serious lard.

She's getting orca-fat.

When she jumps off of a piece of furniture, there's a serious thud. She makes fat old-lady sounds when she jumps too. It's pretty pathetic

I'd like to say it's because the weather is a bit cooler and she's getting ready for the winter.

But the fact is, kitty likes to eat. And eat. And eat. And between feedings, she's not running marathons. She's pretty much flopped on her side, working up the energy to make it back to the food dish.

I know she eats all day while I'm at work, but I can't take up the food (I have another cat without a binge problem; she's a dainty eater). So I'm putting up the food at night when we should all be sleeping anyway.

It's not been a popular decision.

When the sun comes up, Lola cannot wait one. minute. longer. She hops up on the bed (Whump! Fat Old Lady Noise). I get a little are you awake? meow. Then she tries to lick my nose. Then she (not so gently) bats at my nose (oops! were my claws out? so sorry!). And, as a last resort, she grabs a mouthful of my hair and puuuuuuulls.

OK! OK! I'm up!

Sigh.

Haiku of the Day

The first kiss of fall
Arrived at my door this month
It's corduroy time!

Stuff I learned from TV over the weekend

I had a laaaaazy Labor Day weekend (I labor, so I figure I've earned it).

In between naps, I watched a fair amount of television.

I learned that Bernard Goetz is still a crazy racist vigilante, but now he's a vegetarian. (So switch subway cars if you see him... unless you're a German Shepherd.) He also adopted a squirrel that he found in Central Park that he says is The Love of His Life. It lives with him in his apartment. I shit you not.

I also learned that Ted Kaczynski's brother David lived in fortified a hole in the ground in the Texas desert for part of his life. By choice. And he's the SANE one.

Because you SHOULD be able to judge a book by its cover...

Betterbooktitles.com tells it like it is!!

36 things I love

1. My parents/family
2. Beau
3. My friends
4. My cats
5. Watching the tea seep out of the tea bag when I dunk it in hot water
6. Books
7. That crunchy noise that dry leaves make when you step on them
8. Really great pens (I'm partial to the Pilot Precise V5 Rolling Ball in green)
9. Autumn
10. Sleeping in
11. A good sneeze
12. The smell of bubble gum
13. The number 13
14. The occasional donut
15. Lazy, agenda-free afternoons
16. When Rush Limbaugh/Glenn Beck make fools of themselves
17. CHEESE
18. Inside jokes
19. The letter N
20. 75-degree days
21. A handful of nickels 
22. Snow with big, fluffy flakes
23. Bright colors
24. A Cherry Cricket burger with avocado, smoked cheddar, and Dijon mustard (if you haven't had one, you really haven't lived)
25. Those rare and elusive shoes that are both cute AND comfortable
26. Rainstorms
27. Belly laughs
28. Modern art
29. September (I like writing 9s in the date)
30. School supplies
31. Being right (really, who doesn't?)
32. Compelling fiction (in the form of film, TV, or book--it doesn't really matter)
33. True crime shows on TV (48 Hours rocks)
34. Contentedness 
35. Crisp, clean sheets
36. Friendships so entrenched that all you have to do is look at each other and you both burst out laughing

Fruity false bill of goods

You hear a car door slam outside your house.
A delivery man approaches the door.
Ding-dong!
For me? Oh, how exciting! It's a bouquet... of fruit.

We've seen the commercials. And let me tell you, NOBODY is that happy to get fruit. Especially when you know that it's $12 worth of fruit that's been cut, arranged, and sold for $50 or more.

It's FRUIT, people.

I had the zombie dream again

I have zombie dreams a lot. I don't know why.

And, every time, my brain changes it up so I'll be prepared for anything in the oncoming zombie apocalypse.

Last time, the zombies had Jurassic Park T-rex sensibilities (they could sense movement, but their eyesight wasn't good, so if you stood reeeeeeally still, you could escape a brain chewing).

This time, you could stun them (and maybe change them back; I never got confirmation on that) with a blow dart.

I will pass on the zombie-escape tips as I get them.

You'll thank me.