When I was 16 or 17, I got an interesting piece of trivia from my doctor (who obviously had no idea how impressionable and easily grossed-out teenaged girls are).
He told me A good stool can weigh four pounds.
FOUR POUNDS.
"Good"?
This knowledge has followed me for years.
I hope you enjoy the burden of knowing as much as I have. :)
Monday, April 30, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
And it's on sale!
At TJ Maxx last weekend, I came across this little beauty (on clearance for $15).
Little is the operative word. Here it is next to a normal-length garment.
It has an anti-theft security tag on it.
Why?
Are women trying so hard to revive the Flashdance look that they might steal such an item?
Or perhaps it's the alluring combination of muffin-top and underboob that we're after here.
That MUST be it.
Little is the operative word. Here it is next to a normal-length garment.
It has an anti-theft security tag on it.
Why?
Are women trying so hard to revive the Flashdance look that they might steal such an item?
Or perhaps it's the alluring combination of muffin-top and underboob that we're after here.
That MUST be it.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
I am not a paid spokesperson
BUT...
Two weeks ago, I was in Vitamin Cottage buying healthy items to incorporate into utterly unhealthy meals.
I wandered into the pet section to see if there were any whole-grain, gluten-free, boring, healthy snacks for my cats.
I found a bag of food that looked interesting. It promised lots of things. On a whim, I bought it.
It had an especially appealing name: AVO DERM. Yum.
And it is amazing. A miracle in a bag.
My cats have more energy than they've had in years, the short-haired cat is very shiny and the long-haired cat is very fluffy, AND... nobody will believe me, but I have Beau as my witness... they're nicer (they're always nice to me, but they're skittish and moody around others. But not so much anymore!).
Buy it. Nobody's paying me to say this. Buy it.
Two weeks ago, I was in Vitamin Cottage buying healthy items to incorporate into utterly unhealthy meals.
I wandered into the pet section to see if there were any whole-grain, gluten-free, boring, healthy snacks for my cats.
I found a bag of food that looked interesting. It promised lots of things. On a whim, I bought it.
It had an especially appealing name: AVO DERM. Yum.
And it is amazing. A miracle in a bag.
My cats have more energy than they've had in years, the short-haired cat is very shiny and the long-haired cat is very fluffy, AND... nobody will believe me, but I have Beau as my witness... they're nicer (they're always nice to me, but they're skittish and moody around others. But not so much anymore!).
Buy it. Nobody's paying me to say this. Buy it.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Minor irritation
It drives me nuts when I go to a restaurant and the bill comes to, let's say, $10.47.
I put down a twenty.
The waitperson takes the check and the twenty and asks Do you need any change?
I'm a decent tipper, but the assumption that I'm going to give a 90%+ tip galls me.
Even if I WAS a 90% tipper, let me make that decision.
Sheesh.
Am I just ridiculously sensitive or does this bug everybody else?
I put down a twenty.
The waitperson takes the check and the twenty and asks Do you need any change?
I'm a decent tipper, but the assumption that I'm going to give a 90%+ tip galls me.
Even if I WAS a 90% tipper, let me make that decision.
Sheesh.
Am I just ridiculously sensitive or does this bug everybody else?
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Mr. Roper, cover for me. I'll be right back!!
On Saturday afternoon, Beau came bursting through my door at 4:00 and said IT'S HAPPY HOUR!
Who was I to argue?
So we walked to a nearby restaurant with a patio where he could sit in the glorious sunshine and I could sit in the glorious shade of a magnificent day.
While we ate sliders and drank beers, we noticed the couple next to us on the patio.
They were probably in their mid-40s, and they looked like they met on eHarmony (there's absolutely nothing wrong with meeting on eHarmony and I don't know why we think we can spot those, but we think we can).
They seemed normal enough (though he sported a buzzcut and a tattoo that looked like a cross between Obama and Alfred E. Neuman and she ordered a hunk of meat the size of her own head, which seemed like a difficult-to-navigate item on a date, but I digress).
But then there was weirdness.
He excused himself from the table. He left the patio. He left the restaurant. He walked across the street. And he was gone for 20 minutes.
He came back and ate and drank a little more.
And then he did it again!
And in between, he went to the men's room once or twice.
This is all in the span of about an hour and a half.
The first time, she was a good sport about it. The second time, she was PISSED (I can't say I blame her).
At first, Beau and I though he'd excused himself to snort coke in the john. But that's not a 20-minute activity that happens across the street.
Then we decided that he was reliving an old Three's Company plot line and had another date waiting across the street. Keep my date company, Mr. Roper! Chrissy's going to be so mad if I stand up her cousin, who's waiting for me across the street!
Luckily for him, I don't think he'll have to worry about juggling dates in the future.
Who was I to argue?
So we walked to a nearby restaurant with a patio where he could sit in the glorious sunshine and I could sit in the glorious shade of a magnificent day.
While we ate sliders and drank beers, we noticed the couple next to us on the patio.
They were probably in their mid-40s, and they looked like they met on eHarmony (there's absolutely nothing wrong with meeting on eHarmony and I don't know why we think we can spot those, but we think we can).
They seemed normal enough (though he sported a buzzcut and a tattoo that looked like a cross between Obama and Alfred E. Neuman and she ordered a hunk of meat the size of her own head, which seemed like a difficult-to-navigate item on a date, but I digress).
But then there was weirdness.
He excused himself from the table. He left the patio. He left the restaurant. He walked across the street. And he was gone for 20 minutes.
He came back and ate and drank a little more.
And then he did it again!
And in between, he went to the men's room once or twice.
This is all in the span of about an hour and a half.
The first time, she was a good sport about it. The second time, she was PISSED (I can't say I blame her).
At first, Beau and I though he'd excused himself to snort coke in the john. But that's not a 20-minute activity that happens across the street.
Then we decided that he was reliving an old Three's Company plot line and had another date waiting across the street. Keep my date company, Mr. Roper! Chrissy's going to be so mad if I stand up her cousin, who's waiting for me across the street!
Luckily for him, I don't think he'll have to worry about juggling dates in the future.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Clever worker bees
My friend Dani put this on one of our least favorite printers in the office.
It's pure genius.
It's pure genius.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Chickasha, Oklahoma
My best friend Lo lives in Chichasha, Oklahoma (pronounced Chick-A-Shay and Home of the Fightin' Chicks).
Today on her lunch hour, she saw these folks on their way to a Mensa meeting.
Apparently there was no rope available to secure the table in the back of the trailer (and no room in that huge van?), so these ladies decided to hold it down... with nothing holding THEM down other than gravity and considerable girth.
Rope is expensive anyway. Scooping brains off the pavement is free!
HAPPY REDNECK FRIDAY, EVERYONE!!!
Today on her lunch hour, she saw these folks on their way to a Mensa meeting.
 |
| Photo Credit: Lo, my favorite Fighin' Chick |
Apparently there was no rope available to secure the table in the back of the trailer (and no room in that huge van?), so these ladies decided to hold it down... with nothing holding THEM down other than gravity and considerable girth.
Rope is expensive anyway. Scooping brains off the pavement is free!
HAPPY REDNECK FRIDAY, EVERYONE!!!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Downsizing
I'm not a huge spring cleaner, but I recently came to the conclusion that my life would be better if I got rid of at least 33% of my belongings.
I, of course, have not done it. But I'm thinking about it, which gets me at least 33% there...
Right?
I've taken baby steps. You can see much more of the surface of my coffee table these days.
And... this is a big one... I've changed purses.
That doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is.
For years, I've carried huge bags with everything I might ever need inside:
So my mother bought me a new purse because she's awesome, the purse is adorable, and she's more than a little worried about permanent damage to my spine.
She'd thrown down the gauntlet. I was up to the challenge.
And guess what?
I can fit everything I need into it. There's even room for one pair of sunglasses (which is convenient, because I have one pair of eyes).
No back pain!
So goes the culling down of my life. Goodwill is gonna hit the jackpot this year!
I, of course, have not done it. But I'm thinking about it, which gets me at least 33% there...
Right?
I've taken baby steps. You can see much more of the surface of my coffee table these days.
And... this is a big one... I've changed purses.
That doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is.
For years, I've carried huge bags with everything I might ever need inside:
- At least two pairs of sunglasses
- A notepad in case I have an amazing idea
- At least nine tubes of lipgloss
- Keys to every lock I've ever encountered in my life
- No fewer than four pens
- Candy
- Cell phone
- Tweezers
- Perfume
- Gum
- Wallet
- Compact mirror
- Checkbook
- Hand sanitizer
- A hair clip or two
- Debit card receipts from burritos purchased over four months ago
- $7+ in change
- Any any other odds and ends I pick up along the way
So my mother bought me a new purse because she's awesome, the purse is adorable, and she's more than a little worried about permanent damage to my spine.
 |
| This purse could easily fit inside any of my other purses with plenty of room to spare. |
And guess what?
I can fit everything I need into it. There's even room for one pair of sunglasses (which is convenient, because I have one pair of eyes).
No back pain!
So goes the culling down of my life. Goodwill is gonna hit the jackpot this year!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
More office fun
If you're gonna call in sick on your birthday, you'd better be convincing about it.
Something tells me this dude (cough cough... sniffle. HORK!) will have a MIRACULOUS recovery the day after.
Something tells me this dude (cough cough... sniffle. HORK!) will have a MIRACULOUS recovery the day after.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Your invitation to unpleasantness
Nothing says you're willing to gamble away a weekend like picking up seafood with a sale sticker on it.
Hence my steadfast rule: No Sale Seafood in a Land-Locked State!!!
Good luck, suckas!
Hence my steadfast rule: No Sale Seafood in a Land-Locked State!!!
Good luck, suckas!
Monday, April 16, 2012
Break it to me gently
There are a few people who are nice, but just don't get it.
And I think the best way to break the news to them would be to give them a long, sincere hug and whisper:
You kind of suck at this.
And then give them a nice smile and walk away.
I honestly think it might work for both parties.
No?
And I think the best way to break the news to them would be to give them a long, sincere hug and whisper:
You kind of suck at this.
And then give them a nice smile and walk away.
I honestly think it might work for both parties.
No?
Friday, April 13, 2012
Gossip
I always advise folks against dating in the office.
This, of course, sounds hypocritical considering the fact that I work with Beau. But who would know better than I would?
Usually, I joke that dating in the office is fine, it's breaking up at the office that's a bitch. But really, the worst part is the gossipy chatter of folks in a large office about a relationship that they simply do. not. understand.
People (many of whom I have never even met) don't come to me or Beau with questions. They come to our friends. And eventually, the news gets back to me.
And they ask mean questions about why we're together that are insulting on so many levels.
They think I'm too bookish, smart, and quiet for him.
Or he's too boisterous and fun for someone as boring as I am.
Or if the relationship was really working, why aren't we living together and/or married by now?
WHAT CAN THEY POSSIBLY HAVE IN COMMON? is a question that comes about fairly often.
I could sit here and type out the many things we have in common or how and why it works.
Instead, I think I'll just write the truth:
This, of course, sounds hypocritical considering the fact that I work with Beau. But who would know better than I would?
Usually, I joke that dating in the office is fine, it's breaking up at the office that's a bitch. But really, the worst part is the gossipy chatter of folks in a large office about a relationship that they simply do. not. understand.
People (many of whom I have never even met) don't come to me or Beau with questions. They come to our friends. And eventually, the news gets back to me.
And they ask mean questions about why we're together that are insulting on so many levels.
They think I'm too bookish, smart, and quiet for him.
Or he's too boisterous and fun for someone as boring as I am.
Or if the relationship was really working, why aren't we living together and/or married by now?
WHAT CAN THEY POSSIBLY HAVE IN COMMON? is a question that comes about fairly often.
I could sit here and type out the many things we have in common or how and why it works.
Instead, I think I'll just write the truth:
It's nobody's damn business.
I'm not dating Beau for anybody's entertainment. And the hurtful questions and suppositions do get back to me. So before folks start postulating and judging my relationship, they should take a close look at their own.
[steps off of soap box, stalks away]
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Post-relationship irritation in the digital age
First of all, some things about being an adult are just bullshit.
Prime example: showing how grown up we all are by being friends with our exes on every freaking social networking site.
Acrimonious ending over EIGHT YEARS ago? Why don't we seal the deal and show everybody just how awesome we are by being friends on Facebook. And LinkedIn. And Goodreads. And Pinterest. We'll show the world, by God!
And even if you aren't the one who initiates all of this buddy-buddy bullshit, if you don't respond in kind, you. are. the. asshole.
Sigh.
And I honestly don't care if an ex knows what I'm reading or sees my commentary on what I ate for lunch. I just don't see why it's necessary.
Am I alone in this?
Methinks maturity is overrated sometimes.
Prime example: showing how grown up we all are by being friends with our exes on every freaking social networking site.
Acrimonious ending over EIGHT YEARS ago? Why don't we seal the deal and show everybody just how awesome we are by being friends on Facebook. And LinkedIn. And Goodreads. And Pinterest. We'll show the world, by God!
And even if you aren't the one who initiates all of this buddy-buddy bullshit, if you don't respond in kind, you. are. the. asshole.
Sigh.
And I honestly don't care if an ex knows what I'm reading or sees my commentary on what I ate for lunch. I just don't see why it's necessary.
Am I alone in this?
Methinks maturity is overrated sometimes.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Another shot I don't want
Years ago, I rummaged through Beau's office mini fridge and stumbled onto something disturbing.
It was a sperm-shaped bottle of milky-white fluid.
I cautiously asked him about it and he said Oh, that's some vanilla liqueur shot they gave out at a trade show once.
Want it?
Um, no. Nooooooooooo!
Little Krugy is made in Germany and is "the true adult beverage."
What it is... is gross.
Nobody with an ounce of self-esteem should ever be caught "drinking" one of these.
Ever.
*shudder*
It was a sperm-shaped bottle of milky-white fluid.
I cautiously asked him about it and he said Oh, that's some vanilla liqueur shot they gave out at a trade show once.
Want it?
Um, no. Nooooooooooo!
Little Krugy is made in Germany and is "the true adult beverage."
What it is... is gross.
Nobody with an ounce of self-esteem should ever be caught "drinking" one of these.
Ever.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Grandma's Easter message
To my mother upon seeing her on Easter morning:
"You could have colored your hair."
Hello, snowy-white kettle! This is the pot!
Sigh.
Hope you had a Happy Easter, all!
"You could have colored your hair."
Hello, snowy-white kettle! This is the pot!
Sigh.
Hope you had a Happy Easter, all!
Friday, April 6, 2012
I love happy news
My friend Erica gave birth to a healthy baby boy on Thursday evening. His name is Jack and he's beautiful!
Congratulations, Erica and Dwight! Jack is a lucky, lucky boy!!
Congratulations, Erica and Dwight! Jack is a lucky, lucky boy!!
Drugstore beauty
More beauty products you can't live without!
First, I found this Lip Gloss To Go. How convenient!
But here's the thing about lip gloss. It's ALL portable. Nobody has permanent lip gloss installed in their home.
Or do they?
Then I came across this lovely shade of nail color.
I don't remember the name of the shade, but it wasn't Milkshake Glitter Puke.
Shouldabeen.
And last, we have a marvel of beauty science!
Magnetic nail polish!
Because this is what we need rather than cures for diseases.
First, I found this Lip Gloss To Go. How convenient!
But here's the thing about lip gloss. It's ALL portable. Nobody has permanent lip gloss installed in their home.
Or do they?
Then I came across this lovely shade of nail color.
I don't remember the name of the shade, but it wasn't Milkshake Glitter Puke.
Shouldabeen.
And last, we have a marvel of beauty science!
Magnetic nail polish!
Because this is what we need rather than cures for diseases.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
The worst thing anybody's ever seen in a bank. EVER.
I had dinner with my folks last night.
I told them I'd been to the bank earlier in the day and was irritated to, yet again, see pajama pants on two bank patrons.
Mom waited until we were done eating to tell us the worst thing she'd ever seen at the bank.
It was years ago, when we lived in a college town. Mom was waiting in line behind a girl wearing a skirt.
Something fell on the ground.
She looked down and saw that the girl's maxi pad had fallen out of her skirt.
The girl looked down, horrified.
And then... she simply stepped over it and walked away as if it wasn't hers!
Mom wins, hands down, for the most disgusting thing ever witnessed in a bank.
I guess I shouldn't get too upset about pajama pants, huh?
I told them I'd been to the bank earlier in the day and was irritated to, yet again, see pajama pants on two bank patrons.
Mom waited until we were done eating to tell us the worst thing she'd ever seen at the bank.
It was years ago, when we lived in a college town. Mom was waiting in line behind a girl wearing a skirt.
Something fell on the ground.
She looked down and saw that the girl's maxi pad had fallen out of her skirt.
The girl looked down, horrified.
And then... she simply stepped over it and walked away as if it wasn't hers!
Mom wins, hands down, for the most disgusting thing ever witnessed in a bank.
I guess I shouldn't get too upset about pajama pants, huh?
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Who's doin' shots?
I've apparently been living under a rock.
I didn't know there was a shot called a duck fart.
I also didn't realize that there are duck fart variations.
There is also a moose fart.
Depressing.
I didn't know there was a shot called a duck fart.
I also didn't realize that there are duck fart variations.
There is also a moose fart.
Depressing.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Talkin' Sinatra with Mom
Many years ago, I had a Sinatra tape (yep, I said TAPE) in my car as I was driving around town with my mom.
The Lady Is a Tramp was on.
She gets too hungry for dinner at eight
She like the theater and never comes late
She never bothers with people she hates
That's why the lady is a tramp
Mom hummed along for a bit.
Then she piped up I don't bother with people I hate either.
Well Mom, I replied, that's why you're a tramp!
:D
The Lady Is a Tramp was on.
She gets too hungry for dinner at eight
She like the theater and never comes late
She never bothers with people she hates
That's why the lady is a tramp
Mom hummed along for a bit.
Then she piped up I don't bother with people I hate either.
Well Mom, I replied, that's why you're a tramp!
:D
Monday, April 2, 2012
Spring has sprung
Everywhere but at my Mean Old Lady Neighbor's (MOLN) house.
Every day, I walk by this cheerful reminder that Christmas is just a scant nine months away.
I want to rip it down, stomp on it, and feed it to a wood chipper.
Happy holidays, everyone!!!
Every day, I walk by this cheerful reminder that Christmas is just a scant nine months away.
I want to rip it down, stomp on it, and feed it to a wood chipper.
Happy holidays, everyone!!!
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