I hope he lost a bet

Beau snapped a photo of this fella at a bar this week.

Sigh.

I've cropped his face out of the photo because I'm feeling charitable. ;)

Merry Christmas, everybody!!

Me, some old lady, and one big beer

Today, my folks and I drove down to Castle Rock, Colorado, looking for some calendar Mom wanted.

We didn't find it.

But we did find a cute little cafe with wonderful food for lunch.

I'm officially on Christmas break, so I decided to go all out and order enchiladas and a schooner of beer.

I hadn't had a schooner of beer in a long time (but boy do they bring me back to my college days).

Both the enchiladas and the beer were delicious.

We paid the bill and made our way to the door.

"How was that beer?" Asked a voice behind me.

I wheeled around to see a little old lady.

"It was good," I replied.

"Well, I noticed it was so big you needed two hands to lift it."

And with that, she huffed off.

For Pete's sake! I'm on vacation, I wasn't driving, and I'M NEARLY 40 YEARS OLD.

I'm a magnet for angry little old ladies.

Dear Abby, I'm in love with a scrooge

Ok, Beau isn't really a scrooge, but this story made me laugh.

On Saturday, he and I went to the pedestrian mall near my house to enjoy a little lunch, a little beer, and a little college football.

On our way back to the car, we walked through Santa's waiting area. Lots of little kids were VERY excited to see him (a sight that always makes me so happy). The sign said that Santa was out feeding his reindeer and that he'd be back in ten minutes (this is a euphemism I'm going to find a way to work into conversation sometime very soon. "Excuse me, I need to go feed the reindeer." But I digress.)

When we walked into the parking garage, we spotted Santa.

"Santa, you'd better hurry! They're chomping at the bit to see you!" I told him.

Santa thanked me and walked on.

And then there was a little hiss from Beau that (thankfully) only I could hear:

"WE KNOW YOU'RE NOT REAL!"

How damning! If he didn't have a smile on his face when he said it, I might have been frightened.

WE KNOW YOU'RE NOT REAL!

Wow.

Dear Betty Crocker

I love your daily recipe emails.

But perhaaaaaaaps you should hire someone under the age of 55 to come in and read these before you send them out.

This IS Colorado, but...

I like foods that are fast and easy too...

But the day I buy a frozen nachos kit, I might as well wear pajamas to the store to buy it.

Can't sprinkle cheese over chips and nuke the lot of it?

Laziness has hit a new low.

Holiday marketing hits a new low

Limited-Edition holiday kitty litter.

Sigh.

I give up.

Weird holiday stress relief

I found a (free) app called typic, which lets you superimpose words on top of pictures.

I've used this mean-looking photo of Lola (she's actually just yawning, but she looks deadly) to work out my seasonal aggressions.

I'm a one-woman meme!!

I know it's sad. But you know I'm beyond giving a shit at this point. :)

Road rage

On my commute home last night, I found myself behind a grown-ass adult driving a Suburban with the following stickers on the back:

Twilight
New Moon
Eclipse
Breaking Dawn

Freaking Twighlight books!!

Why doesn't anybody put stickers of classics on their cars?

The Great Gatsby?
Of Mice and Men?
Leaves of Grass?
War and Peace?

If I see a Fifty Shades of Gray sticker, I'm fucking ramming the car. That's all there is to it.

It's not the Christmas season until...

I've heard this. I'm a child of the 80s. It makes me hap-hap-happy!!

It's gorgeous, absolutely

But WHO HAS THE TIME TO MAKE AN 18-LAYER RED VELVET CAKE??

The recipe says it's easy, but I absolutely do not believe that.

I wish I had the spare time that others do.

Yum?

Oh, Dollar Tree. You make me so happy. I love walking out with an armful of stuff and having paid only $22.

The candy aisle makes me a bit nervous sometimes. Or maybe I'm just too old to appreciate new candy (the ones shaped like baby rattles and baby bottles? what's that about?).

These are what I encountered on my last climb up the Dollar Tree.

I might wear these as earrings if they were earrings. They're not earrings.

Here are the non-earrings. Close up.

These don't look so gross... if it weren't for that horrible, horrible name.
I will never want to ingest something with the name Juicy Oozers. 

Saved the best for last. Not only are they called Smog Balls. They're SOUR Smog Balls.
And there's a picture of toxic waste on the box.
Even the mushroom cloud looks concerned.
No thank you.

Failed attempt at sexiness

A few weeks ago, I went to a happy hour with a bunch of old office friends (some still work at the office, others have moved on).

When I arrived, it was a table full of men and one woman. A New Girl at the office. I don't know what her name is or what she does at the office (irritated at having another set of boobs at the table--even a pair as old as mine--she didn't bother to introduce herself to me).

Which was fine. I was content to sit back and watch. 

New Girls are like blood in the water for the sharks in the office. She had full command of the attention at the table.

And she was hammered.

And she was trying really, really hard.

She let someone draw dicks all over the backs of her hands and she attempted to draw vaginas on the backs of some of theirs.

She brought out all the dirty words and sexual innuendo she could muster.

And then she said something that kind of negated it all.

"I have more of a goatee than most guys."

I looked at Beau and said "There's no way I heard that correctly."

He nodded and said "Yes you did."

Whuck?

Pretty soon after that, she declared that her fiancee (a fella she'd failed to mention once during the preceding two hours) would be picking her up soon, and she left.

Show over.

But boy was it a good show.

Best crazy family story I've heard in a long time

This comes from a friend, and she summed it up in one sentence:

My cousin Ray didn't speak to his parents or siblings for 30 years when they doubted his story that he'd been abducted by aliens.

It doesn't get any better than that, folks!

Straight from my Pinterest Creepy Shit board

If this is a new trend in wedding photography, it's one more reason not to get married.

On Pinterest, this photo is titled After I Do.

Apparently, After You Do, your new mate for life defrocks you in the middle of a field with a photographer nearby.

Oh, and he remains clothed. 

No. Thank. You.

Yet another thing I don't get

Women who call their significant others by their given names rather than the names the fellas actually go by.

I used to be friends with a woman named Leigh (we nicknamed her The General Leigh, because she was soooooo damn bossy, but I digress). She met, started dating, and eventually married a fella named Jeff.

But she called him Jeffrey. All the time. To everybody. Even though he hated it.

I know a lot of women who do that, and I don't get it.

It would be like introducing Beau as Beauregard, even though he gritted his teeth, rolled his eyes, and said "It's just Beau" every time.

Can somebody enlighten me on this?

Is it an attempt to mother a grown-ass man?

This might be a stupid question...

But aren't they ALL disposable?

Need a new redneck family holiday recipe?

I'm on a lot of recipe distribution email lists.

Most of them I delete, but some are worth trying. 

I now have enough mac 'n cheese recipes to give myself a coronary event.

Lately, I've been getting a lot of holiday recipes. Those are the best, because they call for full fat and sugar.

But one of the holiday "cocktail" recipes gave me pause. And then a shiver. And then I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

I love mulled cider and mulled wine when the weather turns cold.

But I can say with all certainty that I will never ever in my life crave or even try MULLED DR. PEPPER.

Don't believe me? Click the link. I double-dog dare you.

The best part of this page is the bad reviews.

Too awful to waste time writing about!

My family was hesitant to try it and no one took a second sip. Not good.

I remember this recipe from the 60's when Dr. Pepper would advertise this. Be forewarned, the Dr. Pepper turns flat when heated. Also unless you sip it piping hot, it's rather disgusting.

And then... a rave.

My husband has done this for years when he has a cold. It is very soothing to the throat and helps open up the sinuses.

Opens up the sinuses. Isn't that what you want from your holiday cocktails?

Shudder.

Priorities, Hobby Lobby. PRIORITIES!

First, I'd like to thank Hobby Lobby for the wealth of material they've provided this week. It's a veritable goldmine of WTF-ishness.

I'll have even more tomorrow.

I bought a new, larger Christmas tree this year, and I've been having fun decorating it. There are ornaments of everything.

Everything BUT donuts. There are no donut ornaments. None. (I know, I know. Ebay. But none in stores.) Not. One. Damn. Donut.

Because that would be silly, right? A donut ornament on a tree?

No donuts, but wait until you see the shit they DO have to help you celebrate the birth of our Lord.

Nothing says JOY TO THE WORLD like a monkey DJ.

Mariachi monkeys are MUCH more Christmasy.

How about a creepy Christmas nightmare?

Or a simple ode to gambling? (Is it just me, or does that say Jack Poti?)

Hobby Lobby, you suck.

Merry Christmas. Now get the hell off of my lawn.

This doesn't seem like the kind of message über-Christian retailer Hobby Lobby would send, but here's your proof.

Family shamed by Honda

My car got recalled recently. Apparently, if my airbag deploys, a spare part miiiiigt fly out and kill me.

Reason enough to bring it in, I suppose.

Dad offered to follow me over and give me a ride home after I drop it off.

And then he and Mom suggested, with no subtlety at all, that I should get my car professionally cleaned before I take it to the dealership.

Apparently, they don't want outsiders to know how I really live.

Sigh.

Dad is coming over to check my work before we go.

:)

Just stab me in the eye right now

I'll never be drunk enough to see a Twilight movie.

Not quite what I had in mind

My folks are on my wireless account.

Dad has the newest iPhone and texts downloads and looooooves technology.

My mom... not so much.

So I got her a new phone. Not a smartphone, but something better than the flip phone she's had for years (the one that lives at the bottom of her purse that she keeps switched off at all times).

The new phone has a touch screen and a full keyboard and a camera. And it's purple. If that doesn't get her to keep the phone on, nothing will.

I took it over to the house and patiently showed her how to use it (it seems like it would be intuitive, but if you're not used to computers or computerized things, it's really not).

Here's what's gone down so far.

I've gotten a lot of texts from Mom's phone... from Dad.

Oh well. At least the phone is on.

Yes, I put exclamation points after my favorite contacts.
It's much more exciting to get phone calls when you do that.

Passive-aggressive holiday meals

Why argue when you can just plunk this down on the table? :)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYBODY!

The other night at a bar

I was in the ladies room.

As I washed my hands, the girl who'd been sitting at the next table (and on a date) came in and worked really hard on her hair.

Really hard.

I glanced down and noticed that she was wearing sweatpants.

If you're wearing sweatpants in a bar on a date, why do you give a shit about what your hair looks like?

These youngsters befuddle me.

What not to say to a woman. Ever.

When I told a friend how beautiful I thought his 19-year-old daughter was, he turned to me and said:

It's such a burden on her. You have no idea how difficult it is to be a beautiful woman. 

Um, thanks, fuckstick.

Truth in advertising

Last night, as I slept in a fog of cold medication, I heard a lot of feline commotion downstairs.

Too tired to investigate, I hollered CUT IT OUT! And went back to sleep.

In the morning, I figured out what had gone on.

A fat tabby had, indeed, been very tempted by these aptly named treats.

She knew she'd misbehaved, so she lumbered upstairs and monitored the action from above.

Sigh. Pretty soon, she'll be too fat to outrun me or hide under any furniture.

Keep it up, Fatty.

Take a whiff

This is what fame-whoring smells like!
And only $29.99.
You can smell like a CHEAP fame whore! :)

I don't care if you lose respect for me...

I want to wear a tuxedo, poof up my hair, and go to this dance party every time I see this commercial.

Drug-induced paranoia

I have a cold. I'm on cold medication.

These are some of the weird, thoughts that traveled through my mind yesterday in the span of about 10 minutes.

• That's not a noise normal sinuses make.
• Did I just blow out my ear drum?
• Oh, jeez. Is my cat's expensive butt problem flaring up again?
• Is that thing on my arm cancerous? 
• Holy shit! I can't find that thing on my arm now.
• Are the different cold medications reacting with each other?
• Is my heart racing? 
• Beau wasn't very tan when he got back from Mexico two days ago. 
• WHY isn't Beau tan?
• Why am I worried about Beau's tan?
• Was that James Bond movie really the best one I've ever seen or have I oversold it. Are people going to be disappointed now?
• How much money is left in my bank account?
• Did I feed the cats? 
• How long have I been passed out?
• Sweet Lord, what am I watching on TV?
• I should fold that laundry. 
• I'm too tired to fold laundry. 
• Where the hell is that thing on my arm? 
• Have I eaten? 

So much for a relaxing sick day.

Thank you, Sudafed. 

Can we do just one thing like adults?

Must we have all of our vitamins in gummy form??

Contradiction in terms?

Oh yum.

I can see how this would be so much better than swallowing a pill.

Grandma's shocking language

I've never heard her say this.

Dad's never heard her say this.

But Mom says she's heard it a lot.

Grandma has added the word TURD to her vernacular.

So grandmas don't wear slippers or furry socks, but they DO say TURD.

Well, I'll be dipped.

On this beautiful Election Day....

Please don't let this be true.

Sad

Sad, sad, sad.

For the love of all that is good and holy

MAKE THIS SHIT STOP!!

Do we really need Kardashian-inspired nail color? 

 

And although there are a number of adorable wordplay color names, they seem to have forgotten these:

Flame-Whore

Let's Make a Sex Taupe!

It Hurts When I Peony

Ok pizza rolls....

Entertain me. :)

Speaking of zombies...

I'll be dressing up as one at work today. 

In preparation, I bought the standard zombie accoutrements (severed foot, plastic brain, appropriate makeup, and an old shirt of Beau's that I can destroy because--HELLO--I'm not destroying my own shirt). 

Oh, and blood. What's a zombie costume without blood?

Lemme tell ya, Rite Aid goes above and beyond in selling its fancy fake blood.

I had no idea that the fake blood market was so... cutthroat (oh yes I did).

It's THEATRICAL, PORTABLE, and used for HORROR DECOR!

It's DARKER AND RICHER than that bullshit you can buy at the costume shop next door.
It's MOVIE QUALITY, BITCHES!

Another way to kill zombies

According to a dream I had last Thursday night.

Feed them cheese.

Of course, this wasn't terribly helpful in the dream, because there was no electricity/refrigeration and we couldn't find any goats or cows.

Still, it's good information to pass along.

Who knew zombies were lactose intolerant?

Get out and vote, bitches!

This is a not-so-subtle reminder that people have fought for the rights we take for granted. I'm voting today (you can vote early in many states), and you should too!

It's your civic duty! If you don't vote, you are not allowed to bitch about the results later.

Best story I've heard this week

Last night at a happy hour, I ran into a former coworker whom I hadn't seen in awhile. He had some new tattoos on his arms that I hadn't seen before so I remarked on them. They were quite lovely.

He told me that they were relatively new.

I have these two (motioning to the ones on his arms), and a large piece on my back, he said.

I asked him what the piece on his back looked like and he told me that it was a paragraph.

A paragraph about what? I asked.

A paragraph explaining the shitty tattoo above it, he replied.

He then explained that he wanted to cover it up, but the tattoo artist told him that it was too big and too dark (and, frankly, too ugly) to cover up. So they came up with the paragraph idea instead.
This, I had to see. So I had him show me a picture of it on his phone.

I'll be damned if it ain't true.

It was a funny paragraph that ran the length of his back (he said it took five hours) that explains that the tattoo above isn't a map to dry land (who else would have a Waterworld reference inked in?) and that he was young and he thought it was really cool at the time. But now he can't remember what those Chinese symbols even mean anymore, and on and on.

In short, it. was. awesome.

And as you know, dear readers (all three of you), I feel compelled to share everything awesome (and weird and stupid and banal and disturbing) with you.

You're WELCOME!

The most interesting question I heard at the flea market last weekend

Does this mouthwash come in a different color?

Oh, spare me your precious sanctimony

This bag has taunted me for two days.

Why?

Because of THIS!

Translation: Back away from the candy bag, fat ass.

Screw you, M&Ms!

It's a good thing Beau and I don't share a checking account

He might have questioned this particular purchase had he seen this on the books.

BTW: It was Canvas and COCKTAILS. Get your minds out of the gutter.

My annual nerdy Halloween buzzkill

I find myself repeating this a lot. And nobody cares.

Frankenstein is the name of the doctor, not the monster.

The monster never gets a name in the book.

I know. You don't care.

When will the world learn...

That some things Just. Aren't. Sexy. 

Lawdy, help us all!

It is my destiny, apparently...

To run in a marathon down Arapahoe Road and realize halfway through that I'm not wearing any pants.

STOP THE PRESSES AND TELL ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS!

BACON IS A VEGETABLE!!!

I'm a sucker

Yesterday, I sat down at my desk to find an email from Beau that said:

Call me in 14 minutes! I'm boiling eggs! And painting!

And I actually did it.

And he knew I'd do it, too, which is why he answered the phone with:

Are my eggs ready?

Sigh.

I am the Sherlock Holmes of blog stats

Every so often, I pull up the old blog stats to see if the three of you are still reading (Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! Hi, Beau!).

When someone finds this blog via a google search, it provides a link to the search.

So when I saw this, I had to click the link.

The blog post itself must have been very disappointing to the clicker, because it offered zero helpful information (when do I ever provide helpful information?).

This is the sad resolution to that link (note the bad grammar; I would think that if you had such an important medical question, you'd take extra care typing it into google--then again, I guess not).

HERPES WATS IT SMELL,LIKE???

Weird things amuse me.

Saddest thing I've seen at a health food store

Cat food marketed directly, it seems, to crazy cat ladies.