This whole Donald Trump thing is a high-level move in the upper echelons of the Republican party to make it look like they're sensitive to women's issues without actually having to support women's issues?
Think about it. They can all have Megyn Kelly's back after Trump's "blood coming out of her wherever" remark and ban him from meetings and organizations in protest.
Trump gets shut out of the race, goes back to being a professional asshole, and the party-backed candidate can step up.
Their Great White Hope would be that people (mistakenly, despite voting records) believe that the GOP supports women and they win the White House.
If they win the White House, Trump gets favors. Lots and lots of favors.
Scary thought.
Monday, August 10, 2015
Friday, July 31, 2015
Head bonks
I read somewhere recently that when a cat head-bonks you (pressing the top of his/her furry little head against you), it's a sign of love and affection and true loyalty.
So, yesterday, when my little fluffy kitty head-bonked my leg, it made me feel all happy inside. I scratched her behind her kitty ears and told her that I loved her too.
And then she walked over and head-bonked the toilet. :)
So, yesterday, when my little fluffy kitty head-bonked my leg, it made me feel all happy inside. I scratched her behind her kitty ears and told her that I loved her too.
And then she walked over and head-bonked the toilet. :)
Friday, July 17, 2015
The very definition of irony
A man who broke up an eight-year relationship via email demanding an in-person meeting (two years after the fact) in an effort to gain closure.
:D
:D
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Weird things that bother me (and probably only me), Vol. 1
Let me start by saying that I'm not a prude. I'm really not. All the same, this bugs me:
Very young girls who shop at Victoria's Secret.
I work in a shopping area with a VS, and I see this a lot.
And a lot of people would argue (correctly) that VS carries a number of cotton-panty/everyday underwear options AND pajamas, for pete's sake.
And they do.
But they don't put back-arching/lip-pouting models in cotton panties in the commercials. Or on the runway. And those aren't what you see when you walk in the door. A ten-year-old has to walk past the tear-it-of-with-his-teeth stuff to get to the everyday stuff.
Witness The Date Collection: https://www.victoriassecret.com/pink/the-date-racerback. PINK is the part of the brand they gear toward younger women. Adorable stuff (I'd wear that racerback in a second), but the name is creepy. The connotation is Look girls! This is what you wear on a date!
We live in a hyper-sexualized society where girls learn at a young age that their worth is tied up in their appearance.
I just don't see why we can't let them be semi-innocent for as long as possible.
It just bugs me.
Very young girls who shop at Victoria's Secret.
I work in a shopping area with a VS, and I see this a lot.
And a lot of people would argue (correctly) that VS carries a number of cotton-panty/everyday underwear options AND pajamas, for pete's sake.
And they do.
But they don't put back-arching/lip-pouting models in cotton panties in the commercials. Or on the runway. And those aren't what you see when you walk in the door. A ten-year-old has to walk past the tear-it-of-with-his-teeth stuff to get to the everyday stuff.
Witness The Date Collection: https://www.victoriassecret.com/pink/the-date-racerback. PINK is the part of the brand they gear toward younger women. Adorable stuff (I'd wear that racerback in a second), but the name is creepy. The connotation is Look girls! This is what you wear on a date!
We live in a hyper-sexualized society where girls learn at a young age that their worth is tied up in their appearance.
I just don't see why we can't let them be semi-innocent for as long as possible.
It just bugs me.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Formal-dress shopping with mom
Granted, *I* wasn't formal-dress shopping with my mom, but this poor girl in the next dressing room at Macy's was.
Mother and daughter both had very different objectives for the dress.
And then, Mom said the one thing (loud enough for the rest of us to hear) that sent her daughter through the floor in embarrassment.
I think this is probably the best dress of the bunch. You can use it more than once. After all, there's plenty of room to grow in the boobs, y'know what I mean?
MOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!
Hang in, kid. We've all been there. :)
Mother and daughter both had very different objectives for the dress.
And then, Mom said the one thing (loud enough for the rest of us to hear) that sent her daughter through the floor in embarrassment.
I think this is probably the best dress of the bunch. You can use it more than once. After all, there's plenty of room to grow in the boobs, y'know what I mean?
MOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!
Hang in, kid. We've all been there. :)
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
In a world full of acronyms
WTH has to be my favorite.
Because you can actually say What The Hell in front of pretty much anybody. Are there ears/minds THAT delicate anymore? (Granted, I've been working in advertising for a long time, so I might be a little deadened to anything shocking.)
The Church Lady might even let you get away with it.
In the long run, Bless Your Heart is probably more insulting. Because, in the South, you can be as mean as you want, as long as you add Bless Your/His/Her Heart before or afterward.
Henceforth, I expect to see a lot more BYH all over Facebook.
Let's throw caution to the wind, fuckers!
Because you can actually say What The Hell in front of pretty much anybody. Are there ears/minds THAT delicate anymore? (Granted, I've been working in advertising for a long time, so I might be a little deadened to anything shocking.)
The Church Lady might even let you get away with it.
In the long run, Bless Your Heart is probably more insulting. Because, in the South, you can be as mean as you want, as long as you add Bless Your/His/Her Heart before or afterward.
Henceforth, I expect to see a lot more BYH all over Facebook.
Let's throw caution to the wind, fuckers!
Monday, June 8, 2015
Oh, Cosmo
As I stood in line at Target, I glanced at the magazine covers.
When I got to Cosmopolitan, I had to chuckle. The magazine is geared to women in their teens and 20s, and there are always at least three headlines about how to please a man in bed. It's always been that way. It'll always be that way.
Blow his mind!
Keep him coming back for more!
The one move that will take him to the brink of death!
Whatever.
But what they don't tell these dear readers is that fellas (especially fellas in their teens and 20s) are pretty thrilled if you simply show up and are a willing participant.
For a lot of them, that's a mind-blower right there.
Also, there's a reason the positions in that mag are demonstrated by drawings. Real people who are not contortionists by trade can't get into those positions. Even if they can, once they're there, there's little pleasure to be derived.
And the fellas who demand to be impressed by porn-star maneuvers probably aren't the ones you need to be with anyway.
But go ahead, Cosmo. Keep "informing" the youth of America and keep on amusing the rest of us. What else are we going to do in the checkout line?
When I got to Cosmopolitan, I had to chuckle. The magazine is geared to women in their teens and 20s, and there are always at least three headlines about how to please a man in bed. It's always been that way. It'll always be that way.
Blow his mind!
Keep him coming back for more!
The one move that will take him to the brink of death!
Whatever.
But what they don't tell these dear readers is that fellas (especially fellas in their teens and 20s) are pretty thrilled if you simply show up and are a willing participant.
For a lot of them, that's a mind-blower right there.
Also, there's a reason the positions in that mag are demonstrated by drawings. Real people who are not contortionists by trade can't get into those positions. Even if they can, once they're there, there's little pleasure to be derived.
And the fellas who demand to be impressed by porn-star maneuvers probably aren't the ones you need to be with anyway.
But go ahead, Cosmo. Keep "informing" the youth of America and keep on amusing the rest of us. What else are we going to do in the checkout line?
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
My favorite bit of gossip from the last few years
"He's in an open marriage. But don't tell anybody. His wife doesn't know."
Friday, May 15, 2015
If you don't like outspoken women...
By all means, don't let one of them know!
I have contact with someone on a fairly regular basis who makes it known (without actually coming right out and saying it) that he believes women should know their place and should be seen and not heard.
And, truly, all that does is make me want to be louder and more irreverent than I would be at any other time. Just to get under his skin.
I like to be heard. Especially by people who think I should not speak.
No more time to write! I'm off to plan my next unladylike, horribly vulgar outburst.
I have contact with someone on a fairly regular basis who makes it known (without actually coming right out and saying it) that he believes women should know their place and should be seen and not heard.
And, truly, all that does is make me want to be louder and more irreverent than I would be at any other time. Just to get under his skin.
I like to be heard. Especially by people who think I should not speak.
No more time to write! I'm off to plan my next unladylike, horribly vulgar outburst.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Here's a bidness tip
If you're going to put together a presentation for a bunch of people and you want to repeatedly quote a captain of industry...
Do a little extra work just to be sure you're not quoting a Nazi sympathizer.
You're welcome!
Do a little extra work just to be sure you're not quoting a Nazi sympathizer.
You're welcome!
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Another spike of immaturity
When I see someone I love smoking, I think QUIT! Quit now! You must! I want you to live as long as possible!
When I see someone who annoys me smoking, I think Breathe deep, sucka!
When I see someone who annoys me smoking, I think Breathe deep, sucka!
Friday, May 1, 2015
To quote my dear, departed grandma...
Hooray! Hooray! The First of May!
Outdoor Screwin' Starts Today!
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Behold the power of marketing
My folks put their car in the shop for a few days and rented a new car in the meantime.
Mom called me and told me she didn't think she'd like the car, but she does.
What kind is it? I asked.
It's one of those hamster cars! she exclaimed.
https://youtu.be/VutSJIKsixc
Mom called me and told me she didn't think she'd like the car, but she does.
What kind is it? I asked.
It's one of those hamster cars! she exclaimed.
https://youtu.be/VutSJIKsixc
Monday, April 13, 2015
Friday, April 10, 2015
Nonsense things people say or do that inspire immediate distrust*
- Driving a bright yellow Hummer (actually, any color).
- "I don't like music."
- "I hate chocolate."
- Carrying a dog in a purse.
- "I don't eat cake."
- "I'm really interested in hearing Sarah Palin's platform."
- Backing into every parking place. EVERY parking place.
- Peeing Calvin stickers.
- Confederate flags. On any part of your person or anything you own.
- Being gluten-free for no good reason.
- "I don't eat cheese."
- Eating gristle/fat.
- Public shirtlessness.
- No pets in the house (excluding, of course, an extended grieving period following the death of a beloved pet).
- Being a morning person.
- Wearing so much hair product that I see the product before I see the hair.
- Shorts in the snow.
- "Do you know how bad that is for you?" (regarding any food item)
- Pushing a healthy pet in a stroller in public.
- Doing anything ironically.
- Misusing quotation marks.
- Concurrently wearing a parka and flip-flops.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
I have to make a confession
I don't care about your special diet.
I care about YOU, and I certainly don't want you to eat the thing that makes you sick/fat/hate life/whatever.
And if I were to cook for you, I'd certainly never serve you diet-offending items.
But I don't want to hear about it.
I don't want to hear about what happens if you eat the offending food.
I don't want to hear what your doctor thinks about it.
I don't want to hear the horror stories.
I don't want to hear your opinions on my own diet.
It's a diet. It's not a personality trait. Or, at least, it SHOULDN'T be a personality trait.
I care about YOU, and I certainly don't want you to eat the thing that makes you sick/fat/hate life/whatever.
And if I were to cook for you, I'd certainly never serve you diet-offending items.
But I don't want to hear about it.
I don't want to hear about what happens if you eat the offending food.
I don't want to hear what your doctor thinks about it.
I don't want to hear the horror stories.
I don't want to hear your opinions on my own diet.
It's a diet. It's not a personality trait. Or, at least, it SHOULDN'T be a personality trait.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Someone explain to me...
The allure of The Butt Cake.
There are baby-butt cakes and bunny-butt cakes. And probably other butt cakes (but I was too scared to do a google image search).
Betty Crocker shows you how to make your very own holiday butt cake right here: bettycrocker.com/recipes/bunny-butt-cake
Baby-butt cakes are usually limited to baby showers.
Here's my question.
What is appetizing about eating a cake shaped like a butt? Eating a baby--ANY PART of a baby--is just creepy anyway. Right?
RIGHT???
There are baby-butt cakes and bunny-butt cakes. And probably other butt cakes (but I was too scared to do a google image search).
Betty Crocker shows you how to make your very own holiday butt cake right here: bettycrocker.com/recipes/bunny-butt-cake
Baby-butt cakes are usually limited to baby showers.
Here's my question.
What is appetizing about eating a cake shaped like a butt? Eating a baby--ANY PART of a baby--is just creepy anyway. Right?
RIGHT???
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
I love that they thought the Mohawks would make them look tough
And they looked like Alfalfa in the shot. :D
Friday, March 27, 2015
I stop reading your profile when...
I read the phrase
"I'm kind of an enlightened caveman."
Because kind of negates enlightened. And all I'm left with is caveman.
"I'm kind of an enlightened caveman."
Because kind of negates enlightened. And all I'm left with is caveman.
Today's reassuring thought
According to pretty much anybody I've ever talked to, EVERY family has a crazy, mean, fucked-up uncle.
Not just mine.
Somehow, that's a relief.
Not just mine.
Somehow, that's a relief.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Today's pointless rage
Reading this book will make you rageful enough. But the REAL kicker is when you open the book and realize that the three parts of the book are NOT IN THE SAME ORDER as the title.
Friday, March 20, 2015
The pressures of being good
Being a good daughter to parents living and dead and being a good granddaughter and doing all of the right things.
That pressure is nearly insurmountable.
I hate feeling like I'm disappointing someone. Living or dead.
sigh.
That pressure is nearly insurmountable.
I hate feeling like I'm disappointing someone. Living or dead.
sigh.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
No apologies
Too many people (many of them women) say I'm sorry when they mean Excuse me.
And I think the words we speak can cast a spell on us.
And then we start apologizing for everything. Whether it's necessary or not.
Make a concerted effort to say Excuse me when you mean Excuse me. It'll impact your whole day.
And then it'll impact your outlook.
And then it'll impact your life.
And I think the words we speak can cast a spell on us.
And then we start apologizing for everything. Whether it's necessary or not.
Make a concerted effort to say Excuse me when you mean Excuse me. It'll impact your whole day.
And then it'll impact your outlook.
And then it'll impact your life.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
I so dearly wish this was true
I wish stupidity and height were connected. All you'd have to do is see someone standing up and you'd know exactly what the situation was.
Mental giants are giants.
Mental midgets are... not giants.
And all of the rest of us would fall somewhere in between.
It would clear everything up so quickly and easily. In person, at least.
The Internet would still be full of liars of all shapes and sizes. It would be a step in the right direction.
A girl can dream.
I also wish stupidity hurt (the stupid person).
Mental giants are giants.
Mental midgets are... not giants.
And all of the rest of us would fall somewhere in between.
It would clear everything up so quickly and easily. In person, at least.
The Internet would still be full of liars of all shapes and sizes. It would be a step in the right direction.
A girl can dream.
I also wish stupidity hurt (the stupid person).
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Monday, March 9, 2015
Weird update
Pink Minnie Mouse Coffee Mug Dealbreaker Boy emailed me at about 1:00 this morning.
A quick synopsis.
"Sorry for the late response... Grad school is kicking my butt.... Happy belated birthday... If I missed your birthday, at least I'm cannon fodder for a story about the dork who missed your birthday..."
A few thoughts:
A quick synopsis.
"Sorry for the late response... Grad school is kicking my butt.... Happy belated birthday... If I missed your birthday, at least I'm cannon fodder for a story about the dork who missed your birthday..."
A few thoughts:
- "Late response" is putting it mildly. I think it's been over a month. I'm guessing there was a mini-relationship in there somewhere.
- I went to grad school too. And when I wanted to chat with someone, I made time for it. :)
- Belated birthday? Whuck? My birthday is in September. And I never spoke to him about it, which makes me think he's got me mixed up with some other woman.
- He's mistaken about the missed-birthday cannon fodder. He's clearly Pink Minnie Mouse Coffee Mug Dealbreaker cannon fodder. :)
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Well, that wasn't very nice.
I took today off to get things done. Dr appointment, haircut (they straightened it--ugh), etc.
I stopped in to Macy's with my mom to check out their end-of-season sales. Discounts were deep.
I should explain that, at sales racks, some women are scarily territorial. They'll throw elbows. They'll block aisles. It's really quite silly.
One woman in particular had her purse on the floor in the middle of the aisle and had her own coat and things she'd chosen for herself splayed all over the racks.
I tried to move some of her stuff so I could see the items on the racks underneath.
"Those are mine," she snapped. And then, looking me up and down with a smirk, she said "These are all size small anyway."
Niiiiiiiice.
So I left that rack to small people with small minds and went over to the big fat happy rack. :)
Sheesh. Must be miserable to be someone like her.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Social experiment
Well, I did it.
To see what would happen, I changed my online profile to read, in part, "I'm at the stage in my life where I just want to meet someone and devote my life to taking care of him."
Annnnnnnnd... interest skyrocketed. From guys with "conservative, home-grown values" who'd need me to work out more often and move 300 miles away from my home to take care of them.
Sigh.
It was a little disheartening. One of my friends told me "I was afraid that your faith in mankind would be unrecoverable after this. I think I might be right."
And she was very nearly right.
Then I decided to try one more thing. I changed "I'm at the stage in my life where I just want to meet someone and devote my life to taking care of him"to "I have a wicked, wicked sense of humor."
That also garnered a ton of interest.
What little faith I had in online fellas has been restored. Somewhat.
But I'm still not pinning my hopes on online dating.
At all.
To see what would happen, I changed my online profile to read, in part, "I'm at the stage in my life where I just want to meet someone and devote my life to taking care of him."
Annnnnnnnd... interest skyrocketed. From guys with "conservative, home-grown values" who'd need me to work out more often and move 300 miles away from my home to take care of them.
Sigh.
It was a little disheartening. One of my friends told me "I was afraid that your faith in mankind would be unrecoverable after this. I think I might be right."
And she was very nearly right.
Then I decided to try one more thing. I changed "I'm at the stage in my life where I just want to meet someone and devote my life to taking care of him"to "I have a wicked, wicked sense of humor."
That also garnered a ton of interest.
What little faith I had in online fellas has been restored. Somewhat.
But I'm still not pinning my hopes on online dating.
At all.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Should I?
As I've outlined once or twice before, I don't take online dating seriously.
So why not have a little fun?
When you make a profile change, it shows up in a newsfeed.
I'm thinking about making the following change to my profile: At this point in my life, I'm ready to dedicate myself entirely to pleasing my man.
Just to see how viewership would spike.
What do you think? :)
So why not have a little fun?
When you make a profile change, it shows up in a newsfeed.
I'm thinking about making the following change to my profile: At this point in my life, I'm ready to dedicate myself entirely to pleasing my man.
Just to see how viewership would spike.
What do you think? :)
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Oddest dealbreaker yet
I don't take online dating seriously. At all. Really, you can't. If you did, I think you'd be suicidal all of the time. To be honest, I know other people have found true love that way, but I don't think it's how I'll be meeting anybody.
It's really just a great way to collect screenshots of insanity (the guy who posed with his pet racooon, the guy who wore a tux and stroked a cat in his pics [supervillain in training?], the guy who photoshopped horns on his head, and... the guy who posed naked in the gym with only a well-placed soap dispenser for modesty).
Usually, there's a dealbreaker that stops communication (sometimes on my side, sometimes on theirs). Then you shrug and go on about your day.
The most recent one was precious.
He sent me a picture of a Minnie Mouse coffee mug and asked me how cute I thought it was.
Kinda cute, I responded.
**END OF COMMUNICATION**
Seriously, that was it.
I had no idea that the fate of an entire relationship could hinge on pink Minnie Mouse coffee mug. :D
It's really just a great way to collect screenshots of insanity (the guy who posed with his pet racooon, the guy who wore a tux and stroked a cat in his pics [supervillain in training?], the guy who photoshopped horns on his head, and... the guy who posed naked in the gym with only a well-placed soap dispenser for modesty).
Usually, there's a dealbreaker that stops communication (sometimes on my side, sometimes on theirs). Then you shrug and go on about your day.
The most recent one was precious.
He sent me a picture of a Minnie Mouse coffee mug and asked me how cute I thought it was.
Kinda cute, I responded.
**END OF COMMUNICATION**
Seriously, that was it.
I had no idea that the fate of an entire relationship could hinge on pink Minnie Mouse coffee mug. :D
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
A discussion over lunch yesterday
Me: My hands are so dry. I think I have some lotion in my purse. [I did. I handed it over once I was done with it.]
Mom: [After using it and handing it back] This smells so good! What's it called?
Me: Nilla Lace.
Mom: Vanilla Ice?
Me: Nilla Lace.
Mom: Vanilla Lice?
Me: Why would they call a product you put on your body LICE? Lace! Lace! Vanilla Lace!
Mom: Oh! Vanilla Lace. That makes much more sense.
Me: Here [handing it over], it's yours. I don't think I want it anymore.
:)
Mom: [After using it and handing it back] This smells so good! What's it called?
Me: Nilla Lace.
Mom: Vanilla Ice?
Me: Nilla Lace.
Mom: Vanilla Lice?
Me: Why would they call a product you put on your body LICE? Lace! Lace! Vanilla Lace!
Mom: Oh! Vanilla Lace. That makes much more sense.
Me: Here [handing it over], it's yours. I don't think I want it anymore.
:)
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
The Affliction
In the past year and a half, I've been on the receiving end of a number of condolences like this.
Is it an incurable disease?
Family emergency?
Money issues?
Nope.
They're allllll talking about my relationship status.
Apparently, being single (and a woman) in your early 40s is The Worst Thing That Could Possibly Happen to Anybody.
More perplexing? The fact that everybody else is so much more concerned about it than I am. The only time I really worry about it is when the Consolation Squad sets in on me and gets me to worrying if I SHOULD BE as worried as they are.
Don't get me wrong; I'd love to have a partner in crime, and I'll find one when the time (and the fella) is right for me. In the meantime, I'm enjoying being on my own and amassing an amazing collection of dating-profile screenshots (seriously, EVERYBODY should join a dating website. Not to meet anybody, but for the sheer comedy. It's hours of entertainment. Worth every penny.)
But I don't go to bed worried about it. I don't think about my relationship status any more than anybody else thinks about their own. I go to work, take care of what I need to take care of, and do the things I enjoy with the people I enjoy doing them with.
Maybe I'm just really good at being single.
Whatever the case, thanks for the support. I'll be fine. :)
- You are so brave.
- I don't know what I'd do in your position. I'd probably just give up.
- You're doing really well, considering.
- I'd just feel so hopeless in your position.
- What are your options at this point?
- This has got to be especially hard now, given your age.
Is it an incurable disease?
Family emergency?
Money issues?
Nope.
They're allllll talking about my relationship status.
Apparently, being single (and a woman) in your early 40s is The Worst Thing That Could Possibly Happen to Anybody.
More perplexing? The fact that everybody else is so much more concerned about it than I am. The only time I really worry about it is when the Consolation Squad sets in on me and gets me to worrying if I SHOULD BE as worried as they are.
Don't get me wrong; I'd love to have a partner in crime, and I'll find one when the time (and the fella) is right for me. In the meantime, I'm enjoying being on my own and amassing an amazing collection of dating-profile screenshots (seriously, EVERYBODY should join a dating website. Not to meet anybody, but for the sheer comedy. It's hours of entertainment. Worth every penny.)
But I don't go to bed worried about it. I don't think about my relationship status any more than anybody else thinks about their own. I go to work, take care of what I need to take care of, and do the things I enjoy with the people I enjoy doing them with.
Maybe I'm just really good at being single.
Whatever the case, thanks for the support. I'll be fine. :)
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Today's best elevator exchange
Friend: I'm going shopping so I don't have to do laundry tonight.
Me: Don't feel bad. I'm going for a walk so I can drink wine tonight.
Friend: Oh, I have a stand-up desk. So I stand for 15 minutes each day. That's good exercise. I'm healthy.
Me: I have one of those desks too! Imma do that. That's genius!
Me: Don't feel bad. I'm going for a walk so I can drink wine tonight.
Friend: Oh, I have a stand-up desk. So I stand for 15 minutes each day. That's good exercise. I'm healthy.
Me: I have one of those desks too! Imma do that. That's genius!
Monday, February 9, 2015
Snark, done right...
Is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
I found these comments at the bottom of a story about how Charles Manson's ex fiancee only wanted to marry him so she could embalm him and put him on display once he kicked it.
As much as I loathe Internet comments and commenters, I love ArfyBarfy.
I found these comments at the bottom of a story about how Charles Manson's ex fiancee only wanted to marry him so she could embalm him and put him on display once he kicked it.
As much as I loathe Internet comments and commenters, I love ArfyBarfy.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Psycho?
Ok, I promised to be careful with names here. But the story itself and the question it poses are too good to resist.
My friend's husband, we'll call him Sam, is super nice. Quick to put you at ease. Great fella.
My friend said he's actually had a few stalkers in the past because he's so nice and nonthreatening.
On to the story.
Sam works at a large company in a big, beautiful building with its own cafeteria. Once or twice a week, Sam would go to the cafeteria and get a sandwich. He was always polite to the woman behind the sandwich counter, and she came to notice that he favored a certain type of bread.
So she started making more sandwiches with that bread.
Nice, right?
But then one time he came to the counter and she was helping someone else. Another cafeteria employee tried to help Sam, but she stopped them, saying I know what he wants. Which was a bit odd, and held him up in line for a bit, but he's a nice guy, so he didn't say anything.
And, side note, he's been crystal clear about the fact that he's married and that he loves his wife and child very much. He hasn't been flirting. He's just been nice.
Another time, he went up there with some buddies, who had a funny nickname for him: White Bread. They called him that in front of the sandwich lady and everybody laughed.
The Very. Next. Day...
He went up for a sandwich and she waved him over. She told him she'd been thinking about getting a tattoo to commemorate her food-service job at the company (she's got lots of tattoos). She raises a pant leg and shows him her new ink: A slice of white bread. I thought that was so funny yesterday, I thought that's what my new tattoo should be, she said.
Cue discomfort.
He never wants to go up there again.
And while it's funny, it's also just plain odd.
Where do you think she ranks on the scale between Harmless and Bunny Boiler?
My friend's husband, we'll call him Sam, is super nice. Quick to put you at ease. Great fella.
My friend said he's actually had a few stalkers in the past because he's so nice and nonthreatening.
On to the story.
Sam works at a large company in a big, beautiful building with its own cafeteria. Once or twice a week, Sam would go to the cafeteria and get a sandwich. He was always polite to the woman behind the sandwich counter, and she came to notice that he favored a certain type of bread.
So she started making more sandwiches with that bread.
Nice, right?
But then one time he came to the counter and she was helping someone else. Another cafeteria employee tried to help Sam, but she stopped them, saying I know what he wants. Which was a bit odd, and held him up in line for a bit, but he's a nice guy, so he didn't say anything.
And, side note, he's been crystal clear about the fact that he's married and that he loves his wife and child very much. He hasn't been flirting. He's just been nice.
Another time, he went up there with some buddies, who had a funny nickname for him: White Bread. They called him that in front of the sandwich lady and everybody laughed.
The Very. Next. Day...
He went up for a sandwich and she waved him over. She told him she'd been thinking about getting a tattoo to commemorate her food-service job at the company (she's got lots of tattoos). She raises a pant leg and shows him her new ink: A slice of white bread. I thought that was so funny yesterday, I thought that's what my new tattoo should be, she said.
Cue discomfort.
He never wants to go up there again.
And while it's funny, it's also just plain odd.
Where do you think she ranks on the scale between Harmless and Bunny Boiler?
Thursday, February 5, 2015
They say there are no stupid questions...
In my job, I read a LOT of Consumer/Frequently Asked Questions.
Because, when they're learning about new products, people apparently lose all common sense.
I won't quote any of the ones I've read at my desk (I have this thing about keeping my job). But I've gathered a little collection of others from random, unnamed (by me) products on Amazon.com.
My observations follow in italics.
Body lotion: What is the expiry date?
--Good question. Because there will be ONE expiry date for alllllll of the lotion EVER made/sold.
How long does it take to go through the entire bottle?
--Another good question. Because every person uses lotion at the same rate of speed (and for the same purpose).
One tube of mascara:
This comes with 5 mascaras?
--No, you stupid fuck. It's one mascara.
Which is the blackest one? Carbon or Blackest Black?
--I might go for the one with BLACKEST in the name.
Facial moisturizer:
Can this be used after shower?
--No, as with all products, you should put it on right BEFORE you shower.
Which should you use first? The face wash or the moisturizer?
--Washing seems to be a new concept for some folks.
Can a man use it?
--No. This product will turn men right into women.
I'm 26 and have no wrinkles. Is it ok to use this?
--Oh shut the fuck up.
Permanent markers:
Will they work on black paper?
--They'll work, but you won't be able to tell, genius.
Do they work on clothing that will be washed?
--You have clothing that you don't wash??
Are they dried out?
--They're new markers. You get to dry them out on your own!
If I write on walls with this? Would it erase with a wet towel?
--No. They are PERMANENT MARKERS.
Trash bags:
What does 200 count mean? 200 bags?
--This is so stupid, I cannot even formulate a response.
Why are people buying these?
--What???
Pray for our future.
Because, when they're learning about new products, people apparently lose all common sense.
I won't quote any of the ones I've read at my desk (I have this thing about keeping my job). But I've gathered a little collection of others from random, unnamed (by me) products on Amazon.com.
My observations follow in italics.
Body lotion: What is the expiry date?
--Good question. Because there will be ONE expiry date for alllllll of the lotion EVER made/sold.
How long does it take to go through the entire bottle?
--Another good question. Because every person uses lotion at the same rate of speed (and for the same purpose).
One tube of mascara:
This comes with 5 mascaras?
--No, you stupid fuck. It's one mascara.
Which is the blackest one? Carbon or Blackest Black?
--I might go for the one with BLACKEST in the name.
Facial moisturizer:
Can this be used after shower?
--No, as with all products, you should put it on right BEFORE you shower.
Which should you use first? The face wash or the moisturizer?
--Washing seems to be a new concept for some folks.
Can a man use it?
--No. This product will turn men right into women.
I'm 26 and have no wrinkles. Is it ok to use this?
--Oh shut the fuck up.
Permanent markers:
Will they work on black paper?
--They'll work, but you won't be able to tell, genius.
Do they work on clothing that will be washed?
--You have clothing that you don't wash??
Are they dried out?
--They're new markers. You get to dry them out on your own!
If I write on walls with this? Would it erase with a wet towel?
--No. They are PERMANENT MARKERS.
Trash bags:
What does 200 count mean? 200 bags?
--This is so stupid, I cannot even formulate a response.
Why are people buying these?
--What???
Pray for our future.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
I'm trying to determine whom I respect less
People with Twilight saga tattoos.
OR
People with 50 Shades of Grey tattoos.
Do a Google image search on 'em both. It's a toss-up.
OR
People with 50 Shades of Grey tattoos.
Do a Google image search on 'em both. It's a toss-up.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Proud moment
Caught myself saying this to a friend today:
I'm really in love with the movie. I don't want the book to ruin it for me.
And then I decided against reading the book.
*sigh*
(Granted, I was talking about American Psycho, which IS an amazing, love-worthy movie. AND my friend--who read the book--agreed with me.)
I'm really in love with the movie. I don't want the book to ruin it for me.
And then I decided against reading the book.
*sigh*
(Granted, I was talking about American Psycho, which IS an amazing, love-worthy movie. AND my friend--who read the book--agreed with me.)
Friday, January 30, 2015
Immature, but effective
Have someone in your life that you *have* to have programmed into your phone but you don't like?
Exes, angry conservative uncles, bigoted friends of the family, etc.
Give them appropriate names in your contacts.
Do you look at your phone, see a name, and sigh? The new name for that person is *Sigh*
Bigoted friend of the family? I found that programming their name in as [first name] "Hates The Gays" [last name] is a great tension reliever.
If they're going to call anyway, you might as well get a chuckle before you answer.
Exes, angry conservative uncles, bigoted friends of the family, etc.
Give them appropriate names in your contacts.
Do you look at your phone, see a name, and sigh? The new name for that person is *Sigh*
Bigoted friend of the family? I found that programming their name in as [first name] "Hates The Gays" [last name] is a great tension reliever.
If they're going to call anyway, you might as well get a chuckle before you answer.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Dear Pinterest and society at large
Can we stop using the word "Skinny" in recipes and product names?
Skinny isn't healthy. It's nothing to aspire to.
And it gives little girls who grow up with those products the wrong idea.
Kate Moss once said that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.
She sounds like a quitter to me. :)
Skinny isn't healthy. It's nothing to aspire to.
And it gives little girls who grow up with those products the wrong idea.
Kate Moss once said that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.
She sounds like a quitter to me. :)
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Put yourself on the list
For the duration of my recent long-term relationship, I had an uneasy feeling in the back of my mind. I even voiced it a few times to VERY few people: "I don't think I'm too high on _______'s list of priorities. In fact, I'm not sure I even make the list." Of course, we'd laugh this off and move on, but I still never quite felt comfortable with the thought.
Later on, after the lying and the cheating and the breakup, I found out why the thought made me so uncomfortable.
The ex and I were making an effort to be friends, and he sent me a picture of a list he'd made years ago (when we were together--and had been for a few years) for his life regarding getting back on track. It was an action plan that detailed what was important, what his assets were, and the things for which he was most thankful.
At first, I didn't give it much thought. Yep, good for you. Figure out what's important and make a new life for yourself, I thought.
Then I took a closer look.
I wasn't on the list.
His friends were on the list.
His pets were on the list.
His CAR was on the list.
I wasn't on the list (neither was his family, but I digress).
And, while I was irritated and completely flummoxed (why would he send me that list if I wasn't on it? Because it never occurred to him that I SHOULD be on it), it was a huge moment of clarity for me.
Folks, if you feel like you're not on someone's list, it's highly likely that you're not.
And rather than trying to make it onto their list, put yourself high enough on your own list to move on.
It's my new relationship rule. Make it yours too.
Trust me on this one. ;)
Later on, after the lying and the cheating and the breakup, I found out why the thought made me so uncomfortable.
The ex and I were making an effort to be friends, and he sent me a picture of a list he'd made years ago (when we were together--and had been for a few years) for his life regarding getting back on track. It was an action plan that detailed what was important, what his assets were, and the things for which he was most thankful.
At first, I didn't give it much thought. Yep, good for you. Figure out what's important and make a new life for yourself, I thought.
Then I took a closer look.
I wasn't on the list.
His friends were on the list.
His pets were on the list.
His CAR was on the list.
I wasn't on the list (neither was his family, but I digress).
And, while I was irritated and completely flummoxed (why would he send me that list if I wasn't on it? Because it never occurred to him that I SHOULD be on it), it was a huge moment of clarity for me.
Folks, if you feel like you're not on someone's list, it's highly likely that you're not.
And rather than trying to make it onto their list, put yourself high enough on your own list to move on.
It's my new relationship rule. Make it yours too.
Trust me on this one. ;)
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
A phrase I hope never to hear from a complete stranger outside of Trader Joe's
"I always put peanut butter on my Jo-Jos."
(even in context, it was still pretty disturbing)
(even in context, it was still pretty disturbing)
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Clooney theory
I think Clooney's gettin' Clooneyed.
Throughout the years, I've seen him on red carpets with gorgeous women on his arm. All of them gazed at him adoringly and hung on his every word. They were just happy to be there, rubbing elbows with the A-list, because they knew their time was limited. He never mentioned them during award-acceptance speeches and they never cared, because they were with Georrrrrrrge Muthafuckin' Clooney, y'all.
And then I watched The Golden Globes last Sunday.
He didn't have a fawning girl on his arm. He was the one fawning and falling all over his new wife.
Not only is she lovely...
She's educated.
She's got her own money.
She's a highly respected human rights barrister.
And she achieved all of that by the age of 36.
Also, from what I saw, she was not at all impressed by much of anything she encountered at the Golden Globes (many of her dinner companions have high school diplomas; some don't even have that). She did genuinely smile when he gushed about her (how very unclooneylike) during his acceptance speech.
And instead of wondering how she managed to snag such an eligible bachelor, the tides turned and folks started to ask How did HE get HER???
He'd better watch out for that one. His time might be limited. :)
Throughout the years, I've seen him on red carpets with gorgeous women on his arm. All of them gazed at him adoringly and hung on his every word. They were just happy to be there, rubbing elbows with the A-list, because they knew their time was limited. He never mentioned them during award-acceptance speeches and they never cared, because they were with Georrrrrrrge Muthafuckin' Clooney, y'all.
And then I watched The Golden Globes last Sunday.
He didn't have a fawning girl on his arm. He was the one fawning and falling all over his new wife.
Not only is she lovely...
She's educated.
She's got her own money.
She's a highly respected human rights barrister.
And she achieved all of that by the age of 36.
Also, from what I saw, she was not at all impressed by much of anything she encountered at the Golden Globes (many of her dinner companions have high school diplomas; some don't even have that). She did genuinely smile when he gushed about her (how very unclooneylike) during his acceptance speech.
And instead of wondering how she managed to snag such an eligible bachelor, the tides turned and folks started to ask How did HE get HER???
He'd better watch out for that one. His time might be limited. :)
Thursday, January 8, 2015
The single most satisfying winter activity
This works only in cold-weather cities. Sorry, San Diego (not really sorry).
On snowy days after you've driven around, getting enraged at your fellow idiot drivers, park the car, get out, and look behind your tires.
Snow boogers will have gathered there. Big-time snow boogers.
And there are few things more satisfying that kicking one of them off of your car and watching it splat to the ground. The sound. The sight. All of it.
Trust me.
On snowy days after you've driven around, getting enraged at your fellow idiot drivers, park the car, get out, and look behind your tires.
Snow boogers will have gathered there. Big-time snow boogers.
And there are few things more satisfying that kicking one of them off of your car and watching it splat to the ground. The sound. The sight. All of it.
Trust me.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Joyful stress relief
It's been a hell of a week (and it's only Wednesday).
But this... THIS has given me great glee.
It's the little things.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
D'ya ever wonder...
[If time-travel was possible and if it wouldn't fuck you up permanently to meet a younger/older version of yourself...]
If an older you approached you and told you to get out of the relationship you're in (one that, currently, is not causing you pain/giving you problems), would you?
I mean, it's YOU. It's not like you'd mislead yourself. But you don't have PROOF (other than your own word from your future self).
These are the kinds of knots I tie my brain into on Tuesday afternoons.
If an older you approached you and told you to get out of the relationship you're in (one that, currently, is not causing you pain/giving you problems), would you?
I mean, it's YOU. It's not like you'd mislead yourself. But you don't have PROOF (other than your own word from your future self).
These are the kinds of knots I tie my brain into on Tuesday afternoons.
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