Nonsense things people say or do that inspire immediate distrust*

• Driving a bright yellow Hummer (actually, any color).
• "I don't like music." 
• "I hate chocolate." 
• Carrying a dog in a purse. 
• "I don't eat cake." 
• "I'm really interested in hearing Sarah Palin's platform."
• Backing into every parking place. EVERY parking place.
• Peeing Calvin stickers. 
• Confederate flags. On any part of your person or anything you own.
• Being gluten-free for no good reason. 
• "I don't eat cheese."
• Eating gristle/fat.
• Public shirtlessness. 
• No pets in the house (excluding, of course, an extended grieving period following the death of a beloved pet).
• Being a morning person. 
• Wearing so much hair product that I see the product before I see the hair. 
• Shorts in the snow.
• "Do you know how bad that is for you?" (regarding any food item)
• Pushing a healthy pet in a stroller in public. 
• Doing anything ironically. 
• Misusing quotation marks. 
• Concurrently wearing a parka and flip-flops.

*This is not a scientific--or even particularly serious--list. So if you're offended, lighten the fuck up.