RIP, society

Surely tummy-control sweatpants and the return of the Cosby sweater are signs of the apocalypse.

Stomach tumor?

Nope, it's just a five-pound gummy bear (available for a mere $29.95 on amazon.com).

While I sat and stared and wondered why anybody would buy this, I glanced down at the People Who Bought This Item Also Bought section.

Apparently, large candy is quite popular.

If Coke and Pop Rocks can kill you, this plus a case of Coke amounts to a mass-suicide kit.

Reminder: You are what you eat.

Want canker sores for life? Here you go!

And, interestingly enough, THIS made it onto the list of also-boughts.

Oh yes, it's the toilet-bowl coffee cup. Nothin' but class.

Overheard

This scintillating conversation. 

Employee 1: Did you have a good weekend?

Employee 2: Yeah.

E1: What did you do?

E2: I went to a museum.

E1: Oh? Which museum?

E2: Uhhhhhhhh....

*END OF CONVERSATION*

This is my personal victory this winter

I survived Girl Scout Cookie season without buying one box or eating ONE COOKIE!

Someone please explain to me

Weird acrylic manicures with special ring-finger designs.

I feel totally out of the loop on this one.

I think I might have said this before

But if you find yourself and your significant other wearing pajamas in the liquor store, it's time to re-prioritize your life.

Kindle Daily Deals

Each day, I get a couple of emails regarding bargain e-books.

There have been some really good deals, but mostly, it's not stuff I'm too interested in.

This one gave me pause.

My guess is that the working title was WELL, DUH! 

Reading is great training for...

being in the moment.

I'm serious.

Ever try to read something when you're distracted by your own thoughts? You get 3/4 down the page, and you've retained nothing. You have absolutely no idea what's gone on.

You have to go back, focus, and let everything else go.

I think, with practice, it makes you a calmer person.

Just a thought.

Presidents Day Breakfast

Yesterday, I went to breakfast with my folks.

We went to Snooze, the best place in my neighborhood (in ANY neighborhood) for breakfast.

Of course, there was an hour wait (but the pineapple upside down pancakes are sooo worth it). While we sat and waited and waited, we people-watched.

I realize Denver is a dress-down town, but it never ceases to amaze me when people just roll out of bed and come to a restaurant in their pajamas.

Or, next best thing, yoga pants. I own them. I love them. They're the next best thing to sweats (or not wearing pants at all). But not all of us should wear them out of the house.

The fellas were just as guilty, though I noted that one put on his FANCY sweatpants for breakfast. Impressive.

But there was one woman who was close to my age in yoga pants and who clearly rolled out of bed without even running her fingers through her hair before getting in the car and coming out to slum it with the locals.

My mother's diagnosis: Clearly, she's on drugs.

So put on some pants and run a brush through your hair, Denver. Or you run the risk of having nice ladies like my mom (who made an effort) think bad things about you. :)

There's no way I'm accepting a hot pickle...

From a creepy rape van.

 

Happy Valentine's Day, folks. I hope all of your pickles are hot tonight. 

You know it's a bad date when

On your way out of the restaurant, your date asks the bartender if the attractive redhead at the bar left alone or with someone.

True story.

Happened to me in my 20s.

Pet peeve

New bottle on the outside (regular-size glass for scale purposes).

New bottle on the inside. 

It's a special marriage between celebrity endorser and product

That results in these words stamped across this forehead.

The meanest, funniest, most spot-on honest thought I've had in weeks

Every time he/she opens his/her mouth,  I hear elephant tranquilizers.

I think the writers at the Dove Chocolate factory

Are feelin' a little lonely.

A nice thing about being 40

I will never be invited to or attend another Pimps & Hos party again in my lifetime.

Helpful tips

I have a book on my coffee table (no, not the de-cluttering book, though that's also in the pile of things on my coffee table) about helpful hints. And, while it's a treasure chest of good information (you'll be stunned at the number of uses for vinegar), some of them fall a bit short.

Take this one, from the holiday hints section. Drink coasters as Christmas gift tags?
Grandma will LOVE that!

Dirty blinds but no feather duster nearby? 

Just use OLD BREAD!

But this one, despite being borderline child abuse, is my favorite. 

Do your kids keep losing their gloves? 

DUCT-TAPE THOSE SUCKERS ON!

This is what grownups do?

On Friday evening, I had dinner with my family.

The subject of one of their neighbors came up. Apparently, he's 52, just broken up with his girlfriend, and he's very lonely. He asked Dad about me and then told them to tell me that he's "available to take long walks."

What?

THAT'S how you approach a grown woman? Through her parents?

[Full disclosure, this man's political leanings are so utterly opposite of mine that it never would have worked anyway--so no comments about GIVE IT A SHOT! CAN'T HURT TO TRY!, please]

One of my friends asked how I felt about it.

I feel like a cocker spaniel. 

Hey, girl! Wanna go for a long walk?

Gee, I might get so excited that I pee on the floor the first time he walks through the door.

Anyway, I didn't give it much more thought than that.

Yesterday, I was out sick with a sinus infection. As I sat on the couch and watched endless commercials for personal-injury lawyers, bail bondsmen, and vaginal-mesh lawsuits, I saw GoesForLongWalks (a la DancesWithWolves), walk by my house and casually peek in my windows as he passed.

Sigh.

Please don't let me end up on one of those Stalked episodes on the ID channel.

This blog post will have to be entered into evidence.

Lord help me.

Sour grapes

Denver is not a happy football town after that dismal Super Bowl performance. 

Some of us, it seems, are more bent out of shape than others. 

This is the vitriol from the hiiiiiighly unstable ex-girlfriend of an acquaintance of mine. 

What makes this funny is that she named her daughter after Peyton Manning. 

Thought about reminding her about that and then reconsidered. I don't need to come home to a bunny-boiling situation. 

Yikes.