Old joke

What did the grape say after the elephant stepped on it?


Nothing. He just let out a little wiiiiiiiiiiiine.

My super-sexy secret accessory

They say that, every seven years, your cells completely regenerate.

I'm not thrilled with this iteration of myself--because I'm suddenly allergic to everything.

Luckily, I've ALWAYS been allergic to wool. The turtleneck sweater I'm wearing is 5% wool. FIVE PERCENT. And the second it touches my skin, I'm an itching machine.

But it's an adorable/warm sweater. 

So I'm wearing a long-sleeved shirt underneath.

And around my neck? I have a toilet-paper turtleneck between me and the sweater.

Va-va-va-vooooom!

(Most people would choose to be silent on such a pathetic subject. I choose to suffer for my art.)

Rush writes book reviews?

On my commute, I heard Cokie Roberts talking about her book Founding Mothers on NPR.

It's a book about the first ladies and wives of our Founding Fathers and the roles they played in our history. The stories she mentioned on air were interesting, so I looked it up so I could put it on my amazon.com wishlist.












I looked through the reviews and found this gem:

Full disclosure, I did have not yet read the book. But I don't think that highlighting women's roles denigrates what men did.

Furthermore, I hate to burst "memie's" bubble, but the Founding Fathers were not saints. 

Not even close. 

Ignorance is funny. 

Sometimes. 

Not really.

Even though I loathe the term "Maxxinista"...

I still like to shop at TJ Maxx.

But Saturday's trip was superspecial at the checkout.

The girl behind the register was young. And it was clear that she thought I was a very old woman (then again, I probably thought 40 was old when I was her age too, but I maintain that I. Do. Not. Look. Forty.).

When she rang up the gloves I bought (it IS Colorado and it IS January--I didn't think it was that out of the question), she sniffed and said "My Grandma has gloves like these."

They're black, fleece-lined gloves with touchscreen-compatible fingertips--it's not like they were hand-knitted out of cat hair, for Pete's sake.

Then she rang up two little crystal candy dishes that are kind of shaped like old 60s egg chairs. I realize how odd that sounds, so I'll attach a picture of something similar (though mine are plain).

She held one of them up and said "These are kinda cool."

"Thanks," I replied. "I thought they were the perfect shape for terrariums."

She stopped and stared.

I mean STARED. Like I'd just told her that I was going to go eat a puppy for lunch after I was done shopping.

She spoke (loudly). "YOU'RE GONNA PUT FISH IN THESE?" [stares from nearby shoppers]

"Oh, no! I said terrariums."

Blank stare.

"Plants. Not fish."

"Oh," she said, looking like she didn't quite believe me.

Sigh.

That's the future of our country, folks!

New line of Colorado lawn gnomes

You think I'm kidding. Check out Hobby Lobby.

Something that makes me glad I'll be single this coming Valentine's Day

WHUCK???

I've got the post-holiday, broke-as-a-joke, mid-winter blahs

Drinking, it turns out, doesn't help.

Luckily, I've found that cutting back on drinking hasn't helped either.

:D

I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK!

Thought-provoking reading

This is not about my sociopath book. I'm over that.

I'm not a sociopath (I swear--ask my pets. I'm never mean to them). 

I did find it interesting to see the selection of materials that Barnes & Noble finds to be thought-provoking these days.

Riiiiiiiight above Stephen Hawking. :)

I'm reading a book about sociopaths

I grew up with one (sibling, not parent), and they're very scary but very interesting.

But as I paged through, I started wondering. Am I a sociopath?

My friend Lisa assured me I was not.

But, according to the book, we hide in plain sight! Nobody can see us! Please don't let me be a sociopath.

Which lead me to realize that if you're concerned that you might be a sociopath, you're probably not a sociopath.

What I AM, it seems, is highly suggestible.

I can't help it

Whenever I hear the phrase "defrocked priest(s)", I think of a line of priests standing over a subway grate and getting their frocks blown off, a la Marilyn Monroe. 

So THAT'S how you do it

These are the instructions on the back of my Hungry Jack® microwavable lite syrup.

Place UPRIGHT in the microwave.

And to think I'd just been putting the open bottle on its side and dipping my Eggos in the puddle of warm syrup in the bottom of the microwave.

Silly me.

Things I encountered while Christmas shopping

I was weeding out iPhone photos when I came across these gems I took during holiday shopping.

Who WOULDN'T want these things?

A BORDELLO PERIOD DRESS.

A MULTIMEDIA SPACE HOOKER STATUE (CHECK OUT  THE PRICE BELOW).

I SHIT YOU NOT.

IN CASE YOU NEED SOMETHIN' TO PURDY YOURSELF UP BEFORE YOU STEP OUT OF THE
TRAILER FOR THE NIGHT.

IF YOU'RE TOO CLASSY FOR POP-TOPS AND NEED SOMETHING BADASS (OTHER THAN YOUR TOOFS),
TRY THIS FANCY BOTTLE OPENER.

I HONESTLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS. TREE TOPPER? WIND CHIME?
OH, MODERN ART, HOW YOU PERPLEX AND DELIGHT ME.

ALL BEEF! NO GREASE!

IS THIS SOME SORT OF NEW SEX THING AND I'M JUST OUT OF THE LOOP?

I HAVE A BUNCH OF THESE. THEY'RE CALLED BOWLS-AND-GOD-HELP-YOU-IF-YOU-SMOKE-IN-MY-HOUSE

WHERE ALL THE BEST GIFTS ARE BORN. WHO DOESN'T WANT A HARD TEDDY BEAR COVERED IN THE PELT OF A DEAD ANIMAL?

Target sets you up to fail

Every time.

Case in point, this exercise equipment/fitness display...

Resides right across from this. 

Damn you, Target!!

Easiest tomato soup recipe ever

Start with TWO CANS OF TOMATO SOUP!

Supermarket delights

Mmmmmm. Golden. Ripe. 

Mmmmmm. Golden. Ripe. 

If you want something less golden, ripe, and healthy, there's always cake. 

This one is on sale!!

How many islands, you say?

I went out for drinksies with my friend Liz this week. 

We ended up downtown at a place called Euclid Hall, where they hand-grind their own sausage (insert joke here). 

Liz opted for the Pig Ear Pad Thai (I tried it--it was fine, but a little adventurous for me). I got the Brat Burger. 

And it comes with very special dressing. 

Not thousand island dressing. No, no, no. That's for amateurs. 

THIS sammich came with 10, 000 ISLAND dressing. 

They don't mess around at Euclid Hall.

First-world problem

Grabbing the new jacket you bought at the after-Christmas sales, ripping off the tags, putting it on, and realizing that the security tag is still on it.

Then, realizing that you've thrown the receipt away long ago and you've just ripped off the tags, you try to devise a way to walk back into the store without looking like you've stolen the jacket you rightfully own (though you've thrown away all proof of that) and tell a story that doesn't make you seem shifty or thieflike in an effort to get them to remove the tag without calling security.

When, really, they NEVER care, they always believe you, and they just take the tag off and send you on your way.

This little girl

Is my spirit animal.

Uh...

I spied this in the clearance section at Target.

It's Wonder Woman!

And she's soft and plastic!

You can reach in and feel how soft!

AND LOOK WHERE YOU CAN REACH IN AND TOUCH HER!

No snark today

The world lost a good man today.

My friend Eric passed peacefully, surrounded by family and friends, after a long, hard-fought battle. 

He was kind and witty and good and I never met anybody who didn't like him. That's a big deal in life and unheard of in advertising.

Everyone who met him is better for it. 

Take this opportunity to tell someone that you love/appreciate them right now.

The calendar store

On the day after Christmas, all of the calendars are half off. 

Mom and I make this an annual pilgrimage. We've named it Calendar Day. And nobody messes with Calendar Day. 

A lot of hard decisions get made (that's a picture of Mom, contemplating. She'd kill me if she knew I posted this, but she won't because she doesn't read my blog). 

There are calendars for every taste. And for those with no taste. (Why do they call them Lingerie Calendars? Just call 'em BOOBS IN FANCY HOLDERS and be done with it?) :)

But there are some calendars I just don't get.

DECISIONS, DECISIONS.

I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND THIS CROSS-MARKETING. EVER.

BIGGEST, MOST EXPENSIVE BOX-OFFICE BOMB OF THE SUMMER.
OF COURSE IT DESERVES A CALENDAR.

OK, I DO UNDERSTAND THIS ONE. IT'S CAMPY FUN. I JUST WANTED TO INCLUDE IT.

ONE-HIT WONDERS NOW RATE 18-MONTH CALENDARS.

SO DO TV SHOWS THAT ENDED TEN YEARS AGO.

GREAT SHOW, BUT A CALENDAR?

NOT EVEN A GREAT SHOW.

WTF?

SIGH.

This is how low I've sunk

In justifying my continued holiday eating binge.

My friend Steve and I were the first ones in this morning's meeting.

Me: Did you try those caramels in the kitchen? 

Steve: Not yet. I'm trying not to eat so much sugar at work. 

Me: Me too. It's just that Jen made them. And she's a senior VP. So I thought it would be a good career move.

:D