Bible lesson or career choice?

Beau and I were in line for popcorn before one of this summer's craptastic blockbuster movies started, and we were puzzled by the T-shirt on the gentleman in front of us.

We could tell it was religious, but if you don't plan on getting THAT CLOSE to the ass of a stranger, the fine print (which I've included below the photo) is lost, and this shirt looks... there's no other way to say it... PRO-CRUCIFIXION.

Doesn't it? Like it's some sort of vo-tech class.
Looking for a career in crucifixion? Here's what you'll need!

"Trade your life on Earth for Eternity in Heaven." Matthew 16:25... "Give what you cannot keep, to gain what you cannot lose."

All well and good. But for those who aren't as Bible literate as others, the message is a little perplexing.

Tell me I'm wrong, folks!

When the alarm goes off in the morning

I usually turn on Good Morning America and listen to the "news" as I wake up.

On sleepier mornings, it doesn't work out so well. Sometimes I fall asleep again. And sometimes I exist in a weird, half-conscious world.

The other morning was one of those mornings.

And when I finally woke up, I vowed to look up a news story that I'd heard as I was waking myself up.

I came into the office and started googling. And I googled and googled.

I found nothing.

Which is odd. I can see the entire newsreel in my head.

Which means... I fabricated the whole story (newsreel, supers, news crawl, voice overs).

Turns out, SELF-PROCLAIMED SHOE ADDICT FOUND MURDERED IN HOME is not a real story.

Though it is a revealing peek into my subconscious. 

Sorry to be blunt, but...

If you and I are in the ladies room at the same time and you have an... ass-splosion (and, hey, I don't care; where else are you going to have an ass-splosion???), please don't come out and merely pretend to wash your hands (really? just running them under the water for two seconds and walking out?) because you see me washing mine.

You're already at the sink. The water is on. Why not just go ahead and soap up? 

WASH. YOUR. HANDS.

If you are under 18...

Do not operate this machine. 

Do not "interact" with this machine. 

Do not sex this machine. 

Do not look at this machine. 

Do not buy this machine dinner or drinks. 

Do not accept candy from this machine. 

Do not ask this machine to plug your parking meter for you. 

Do not dogsit for this machine. 

Do not breathe heavily around this machine. 

What, you ask, is this machine?

Oooooh. The temptation must be fierce!

I love Peeps and I love bubble gum

But, somehow, I was able to pass these up.

I'm RSVPing no

To anything bearing the name "Splatter Party."

Only in my office...

... is it not altogether surprising to overhear someone leave a voicemail (in all seriousness) that sounds like this:

Hi, it's Blanche*. Remember that voodoo doll that I gave you awhile ago? Well, it turns out I'm gonna need it back. Please give me a call when you get this and I'll come by and pick it up. Thanks! Bye!

*NOT her real name. Lord knows *I* don't need a voodoo curse on my ass. :)

Eleven more fun things to say

1. Pilsner
2. Yasser Arafat
3. Lorazepam
4. Thwart
5. Contingency
6. Pugilist
7. Saskatoon
8. Sheboygan
9. Superfluous
10. Plunder
11. Complicit

Whachoo talkin' 'bout, Willis???

That is the ONLY THING this doll can possibly be saying.

As much as I love my pets

Fat Tabby will NEVER have to worry about this situation.

The dog's name is Beignet.

Pray for her.

I understand that it's hot outside

But I think it's possible that positioning a fan under your desk so that it points directly at your balls in an (air-conditioned) office situation might send the wrong message.

Same goes for opening the company fridge, backing in, and lingering there to "cool off."

I'm just spit-ballin' here.

Photographing wieners at Target

I don't know why, but I found the ice-crystal formations on these brats humorous. Wiener crystals! So I stopped to take a picture. 

And then I got caught by someone I know.

Someone who, apparently, knows me well enough not to be phased by (or even be curious enough to ask about) my wiener photography in public. 

Perhaps it's time to reassess my life. 

 

Today's modern non-problem

Automation.

I don't know about you, but I think public spaces should be all automatic or not automatic at all.

Why have automatic toilets when you have to turn on the sink by yourself?

Or, why have automatic sinks when you have to pump the soap by hand?

Don't get me started on the towel dispenser.

It's too confusing to switch back and forth.

At the bank down the street, the first set of doors isn't automatic, but the second set is (there's a weird little vestibule in between). That works out fine when you're walking into the bank. But I can't tell you how many times I've nearly smacked into the non-automatic doors on my way out of the bank. My brain just expects that second set of doors to open on its own.

All or nothing, people. All. Or. Nothing. 

I have a summer cold. So, yes, I'm grumpy about stupid things.

My faaaaaavorite thing to see when I'm stopped on a bridge

It does my heart all kinds of good to look over and see that the bridge is rusty, bent, and somehow patched with splintered plywood. 

If it gave away, the water beneath isn't deep, but I still think it would go a long way in ruining my day. 

It might be time to find a new route home. 

Revisiting the worst the 80s had to offer

Walk into any clothing store these days, and, if you're of a certain age, you'll experience a little deja vu. 

Neon. Chambray/denim/white eyelet dresses. T-shirts with rolled sleeves.

In other words, a lot of the clothes that you wore in the embarrassing photos taken in your youth.  

I catch myself going through the racks thinking "Hellllll no. Fool me once..." 

Let's add this one to the pile. 

"Curvy" jorts. 

They look pre-worn and pre-dirtied too. 

yay.

 

The world's perfect pet

Why care for and nurture a life when you can put batteries in something and forget about it? 

Sigh. 

I weep for the future. 

Scarier than any one doll I've seen at the antique store

This jar of... parts. 

[shudder]

The dumbest thing I've ever bought at Target

I realize this is quite a contest. But, ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner (and, it appears, frozen wieners). 

It's a pig-shaped ice tray that makes wiener-shaped ice cubes. 

Stupid, yes, but it was my right to buy it and that's part of what makes America great. 

Happy Independence Day, y'all! Even you jokers who still believe that George W. Bush was a great president. 

If you like 'em raw...

Get thee to a Whole Foods, post haste!!

Seriously, this was the BEST name they came up with?

To the spa downstairs from the office

F$&k you and the horse you rode in on for putting this sign out on the sidewalk.

We live in a society where women are constantly led to question their worth.

This doesn't help, asshats.

And, yes, my wrinkles are fucking adorable. Thanks for asking. 

On Friday afternoon

I walked inside the Yankee Candle shop.

I don't know why I did it (ok, that's a lie--there was a 75% off sign in the window).

But I'll never do it again.

Wanna know why (other than the fact that spending $29 on a candle would send me into orbit)?

Because, as soon as I walked in I was accosted by the salesgirl equivalent of a mosquito.

Sales Girl: Hi! How are you doing today?

Me: Fine, thanks.

SG: Looking for anything in particular?

Me: Nope.

SG: Just looking around?

Me: [nodding at this point, hoping she'll get the point]

SG: We're having a big sale!

Me: [Curt nod.]

SG: Ok, well let me know if you need anything and I'll be back to check on you.

sigh.

The store is the size of a walk-in closet. No need to check in, but whatever.

SG comes back: Is there a special kind of scent that you're interested in?

Me: Nope.

SG: Just things that smell GREAT, am I right? ME TOO!

And then she just kept going without any acknowledgement on my part:

SG: You should smell this dreamscicle one! It's, like, so amazing!

SG: What about this Red Velvet Cake one? Oh My God, it makes me so hungry!

SG: If you like the way fruit smells, you'll LOVE THIS ONE!

At this point, I ran from the store. I'm sure she's shocked that she did not make a sale.

NEVER again. 

But before I did, I was able to snap a pic of the most disgusting one.

Want your house to smell like a construction site? You're in luck!!

IT SMELLS LIKE A FUCKING 2 X 4. I SHIT YOU NOT.
[RETCH]