This is how

My neighbor's 20-year-old son moves out of the house.

No need to scour the city for boxes; just pick up a bunch of Hefty Bags at the store! :)

TOTAL body workout

I recently bought a piece of exercise equipment (a little stair-stepper) from amazon.com.

So, of course, they think I need a lot MORE exercise equipment now.

This was, by far, the most interesting suggestion.

Notice that this and 6 FULLY ASSEMBLED KEGEL EXERCISE WEIGHTS are frequently bought together. I clicked that link and can't even begin to figure out how they work. And, frankly, being on the page creeped me out a little.

Even funnier, there were some sponsored ads on the page...

For SADDLES!

I think I'll stick with my stair-stepper, amazon. But thanks for your concern about total-body... uh... tightness.

On the subject of shoes...

Here's something else I'll never understand (consider this a companion piece to the sad-ass pink camo shoes from yesterday).

Women who bring their fellas shoe-shopping with them.

These are the most miserable-looking sad sacks you'll ever encounter.

They don't care if you choose the peachy plaid Sperry Top-Siders or the white ones.

They don't care how high the heel is.

I'm pretty sure they don't enjoy holding your purse either.

Who does this???

WHY???

In these...

The only thing you're hiding from is good taste. 

Name the flattest state

Wrong!

It's Florida.

Now name the most mountainous state.

WRONG!

It's West Virginia.

That's all I've got today.

Want to get someone in the mood...

For diabetes?

Fire this baby up!

You know it's a good cupcake

If you wolf it down without taking a picture of it first. (And it was gorgeous. And delicious.)

Also discovered, a new name for fat pants that's much more charming:

COOKIE PANTS!

COOKIEPANTS!COOKIEPANTS!COOKIEPANTS!COOKIEPANTS!COOKIEPANTS!COOKIEPANTS!

This gif is me on any given weekday

As Sting famously sang, that's my soul up there.

Because being a grownup is overrated

I will continue to be amused by things like this.

WHO NAMED THIS PRODUCT??

Justin must be one busy fella. :)

Being your own landlord sucks sometimes

Nine years and three months ago, I put in a water heater with a nine-year warranty.

Two days ago, I was in Sears to buy another one after discovering a huge puddle that covered my kitchen floor and soaked half of my living room carpet (how can they build something to break right on time like that??? Amazing and infuriating).

After waiting 25 minutes for a salesman to free himself up, Rusty approached and asked me how he could help.

My water heater blew today. I need a new one.

Blew up? It didn't blow up. They don't do that. 

Well, no, it didn't blow UP. It blew OUT, I guess. At any rate, my house is flooded, I have no hot water, and I need a new water heater. 

And then he proceeded to sell me a new nine-year water heater (the 12-year won't fit in my closet).

Later on, after a couple of beers, I reflected back on my first few words with Rusty.

If my house blew UP earlier in the day, why would I be so calm about it?

And why would buying a new water heater be my first priority?

Rusty's selling water heaters in a vacuum.

I, on the other hand, am looking forward to taking a hot shower that I didn't have to drive across the neighborhood for.

It's the little things.

You're gettin' weirder, Facebook

Facebook still wants to teach me how to MAKE A MAN LOVE ME.

Or perhaps they think I shouldn't be so picky. Looks like they want me to venture outside my species.

What scares me the most is that 802 people liked this post and 174 shared it.

I fear for the future.

You might think it's funny, but it's snot

We took Mom and Grandma out to lunch on Mother's Day. We went to a chain restaurant. They serve good food and the service was lovely. Other than the fact that it's a chain, there's nothing wrong with the place.

Until... I saw this at the table across the way.

There was a portly gentleman sitting with his uninterested wife. He was (presumably) sitting across from either his mother or his mother-in-law, but I couldn't see her.

This is what I did see.

He had to blow his nose.

He didn't use his napkin.

He didn't get up and go to the Men's room.

He blew his nose on the inside of the hoodie he was wearing and continued his conversation with his family.

Lovely.

There's a right way to wear open-toed shoes

And then there's this.

Hint. When your toes are dragging on the ground in front of your shoes, it might be time to go up a size. 

It's the gray areas

That incite riots at the supermarket.

I have a lot of cacti...

But I'm still trying to figure out how to grow this one.

Another sign of the apocalypse

According to American Apparel, The Disco Pant is back!

Start hoarding canned goods and build a bomb shelter in your backyard. This one's gonna be a doozy.

Also, why isn't the model wearing rollerskates? That look is wrong, wrong, wrong without rollerskates.

The best part of my grocery store visit on Sunday

This pic.

Because I honestly couldn't tell if they thought it was a best or a worst (they talk about outrageous butts and guts below, but I'm still flummoxed).

And it's just a spectacularly funny photo. 

I call this one...

Ants on Crack

Weird new phase in life

I bought a new bathmat. And I love it. A whole bunch. It's blue and fuzzy and looks like a sea anemone made for my feet. And walking on it is the embodiment of happiness for my toes.

Surely this is sign that I've turned a strange corner in life. I'm ok with that.

It's fuzzy and blue and every time I walk in there, I am thrilled anew!

I'm a poet!

I know it!

Big-ass dilemma

Ok, it's not so much a dilemma anymore, because it's over, but I wonder if I should have done something differently.

I was at  the checkout at IKEA about a month ago. (For the uninitiated, once you're at the checkout at IKEA, you've already had to wander both floors of the whole store--they put you on a kind of track.)

At the checkout, I looked at the woman in front of me.

She was wearing tight yoga pants. REALLY tight yoga pants. Even that doesn't explain. The yoga pants were so ill-fitting that the top half of her ass was hanging out of them (no underpants). I'm not exaggerating. HALF of her ass in the wind. And she didn't know. DIDN'T KNOW! (Though how she couldn't notice a breeze back there, I have no idea.)

I thought about stopping her and telling her (though, frankly, I couldn't puzzle out a nice way to say "Excuse me, half of your ass is hanging out of your pants."), but then I thought she's realllllly close to getting to her car. And maybe she could get to her car in blissful ignorance.

If I told her, she'd be stuck with the knowledge that she'd walked over a mile through a store like that.

HOW COULD SHE NOT KNOW???

So I stayed silent.

What would you have done?

Also, how could she not know?