I learned today on Facebook

That one of my long-ago exes is in a new relationship.

And because I can't write it there, I have to write it here or I'll simply burst.

Good fuckin' luck to you, honey. You're gonna need it.

:D

Target's in-house dieting plan

Shimmy up to the cheese.

Take a good long look.

Shimmy away from the cheese. 

How does one feed the soul?

According to Panda Express, you feed it with orange chicken with bacon.

Who knew?

Overheard yesterday

Yesterday was the summer company party.

Fun and many drinks were had by all.

In the line for cab rides home, one of my friends heard this exchange between two coworkers.

C1: I'm not looking forward to coming to work with a hangover tomororw. It's been a really long time since I've done that. 

C2: I know what you mean. I haven't come in to work with a hangover since... [thinks]... THIS MORNING!

:)

Today's chuckle

Was getting this message from a friend.

My husband's little joy this morning was finding out that the annoying coworker who emailed in sick yesterday actually emailed in DICK. He's so happy.

Words I can never spell on the first try

• silhouette
• judgement
• knowledge
• triptych
• privilege 
• liqueur  
• Marseilles 
• Versailles 

Popsicle drops all pretense

And calls it like it is.

What's the flavor?

The flavor is RED, my friends. 

The best time to go to the post office

Sunday afternoon. I shit you not. This has changed my life.

On Sunday afternoon, you can still walk in to the little vestibule and use the scales and your credit card to buy stamps and send packages without the angry patrons, long lines, and the interesting smells of the weekday post office.

NO LINES!

NO IDIOTS!

NO STANK!

(And the kiosk in my PO has a touch screen that makes the most satisfying clicking noise I've ever heard. I'm just sayin'.)

Sunday afternoon. Do it.

The terror of early motherhood as demonstrated by two Target items

It's not the fact that it's a rectal thermometer. It's the high speed that worries me. Do you need to get a running start with one of these?

I'm utterly terrified at the prospect of the Swedish Snotsucker. (Look closely. It says SNOTSUCKER on the packaging).

*shudder*

Bucket list

Is it weird that I don't have one?

I have things I'd love to do in my life, but I don't want to make a list of those things.

Who wants the stink of failure at the moment of death if you don't complete the list?

That's a lot of pressure. 

I think finding joy in little everyday things is much more of an accomplishment.

I guess that's my daily to-do bucket list. Find joy in each day.

Am I the only one who doesn't have a bucket list?

Eggs! The perfect food!

Seriously. If this is a possibility (and it is--I found this poultry Petrie dish at Target), why not just spend the SAME MONEY on a dozen eggs and boil them yourself?
Have we gotten THAT lazy?