Secretly Slimming

All of the jeans/pants I try on are now marketed to me as slimming in some way.

It's a super-fun demographic to be in. I'm sure the next step is a polyester knit with elastic waistband-- once any notion of slimming inspires hysterical laughter. But I'll burn that bridge when I come to it.

Today's pants boast the fact that they're SECRETLY SLIMMING, which sent my mind a spinnin'.

• Are there slimming pants out there that make no secret of it (some sort of neon blinking tummy-control panel, maybe)?
• Do I look as big as a house but SECRETLY (soooooo secret that nobody knows) I'm slimming?
• Is it like a skinny mirror? Do I think they look great but SECRETLY, I really don't?

SOMEBODY LET ME IN ON THE SECRET! IT'S KILLING ME!