For the 6-month-old

Who is confident that she can be happy without a man. 

WTF, Target???

Anthropomorphism part 1

I love finding faces in everyday things. 

Doesn't everybody?

Phone charger

Farm implement

Maple syrup cap

New Years Eve/Hooker Convention

Potato/Potato

My fashion sense

Was deeply ingrained in me long, long ago, as you can clearly see. 

I have GOT to replicate this look. 

People always ask me...

What do you put in your cookies to make them so delicious???

I tell them it's my secret ingredient. 

(Butt makes everything better)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Thanks, Facebook

For thinking my life might somehow be enhanced by knowing if complete strangers on the Internet think I'm hot. 

Or not. 

 

I'm thinking of writing a lifestyle book

Titled:  How to Get a Body Like This by Eating Starbucks Snowman Cookies and a Can of Green Beans for Lunch Every Day in the Month of December

The cover will feature a wiiiiiiiide-angle shot of me sitting on the couch with a glass of wine.

I'm thinking it could be a runaway hit.

I could become a publishing phenom!

I think I know what my new 2014 writing project will be!

Right challenge, wrong person

Recently, my grandma (yes, McDonald's Grandma) went to the doctor and got the following news:

You're too thin. I'm lifting all dietary restrictions. Eat full-fat everything. I want you to have gained 15 pounds when you come back for your appointment in two months. 

Mom and I are... to say the least... jealous. But we're totally excited to live vicariously. I bought her a bag of Fun Size Snickers (especially Fun when you have medical permission to eat the whole damn bag in one sitting if you want). Mom immediately took her out for ice cream.

Grandma isn't so thrilled. She spent the whole weekend saying things like "I don't know why my doctor would even say that. It's not like I've been TRYING to lose weight. I just don't know what to do about this."

Clearly, she's bragging.

And she's not going hog-wild on Cheetos binges. She might not have even opened the Snickers bag.

Fucking annoying.

This diagnosis is totally wasted on her.

*I* could hit her goal inside a month! I'm an achiever like that. 

Dammit.

First impressions

It's always interesting to meet someone's significant other....

And then glance down and realize he's wearing a T-shirt he got at a strip club.

#whatdoyouhavetodotoearnatshirt?

What makes it MY tree

I love that all of my favorite ornaments are dedicated to unhealthy foods and general weirdness. 

h

My imagination reels

At the delights and wonders SUPER FIRST CLASS might offer.

It's probably better than being sandwiched between a serape-wearing hipster (that serape covered MY ARMREST) and a farting drunk on a flight delayed until midnight. But I'm just guessing.

Oh yay. It's THAT moment

At a party, I chatted with a nice, flirty early 20-something.

And then I realized... I. Could. Be. His. Mother.

(Or his incredibly sexy aunt.)

Sigh.

Seattle shopping delights

Some of the more interesting things for sale on my trip to the Emerald City.

CUT-RATE CHRISTIANS FOR SALE!

IT'S FUZZY. IT'S CHEWABLE. IT SHOULD NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, BE SWALLOWED. NO THANK YOU.

HEADLIGHTS ARE FOR CARS. CLEAVAGE, APPARENTLY, IS FOR EVERYONE.

AWWWW. BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM VIA UNDERPANTS.

 

WAIT A MINUTE. I TAKE IT BACK. 

United. Now offering direct flights to Middle Earth

Or so I'd prefer to think after spying this hooded hunchback figure at Denver International Airport at midnight last night.

Also, I'm pretty sure the hunchback itself was actually a backpack. 

But you never know. 

Fun cold-weather fact here in Colorado

We can smell a snowstorm coming.

I swear, it's true.

There are a lot of cattle yards in Greeley, Colorado. 

If you live anywhere south of Greeley, and most of us do (Greeley is spitting distance from the Wyoming state line), and a storm blows in from the north....

You can smell the cattle yards.

So, it's true... before our snowstorms hit, they smell like shit.

I'm a poet. I know it.

Looking for work but feeling unqualified?

 

Sometimes it's hard to find a job that you are 100% qualified for. I say hard, but not impossible.

Can you wave? 

I don't know why, but this sign gave me so much glee!

Just so we're clear

Seasoning IMPROVES the taste.