I love inspiring people

On Friday, someone approached me, looked at my yellow sweater, and said You've just inspired me to wear an obnoxious color tomorrow.

Pay it forward, folks. Pay it forward.

Best question I've read in a long, long time

If you're going to write a sex-addict book...

Your pen name should ABSOLUTELY be Wendy Conquest. :)

A tip on trapping a man

Courtesy of an ex-coworker.

Years ago, I had run to Target with a friend over my lunch hour (we used her car). I didn't want to walk to my car with my purchases, so I brought them inside with me.

Toilet paper was one of those items.

It sat on the floor of my office while I worked.

The coworker approached, pointed at the toilet paper, and said You shouldn't have that in here.

Why not? 

I don't want to know that you use that. I don't want to see it.

That particular brand? 

No. Just.... THAT.

Toilet paper???

Yes. You want men thinking you use that? 

I don't want anybody thinking that I DON'T use it. 

That's something you need to rethink. 

And he walked off.

So if you're lookin' to trap yourself a man, you must never ever give him any indication that you've ever used or will ever use toilet paper.

Because THAT'S sexy.

Thaaaaaanks

A friend of mine and I were discussing a fellow coworker who is both lovely and nice.

I remarked on that.

He wholeheartedly agreed, turning to me; looking me in the eye; and, without a trace of humor, saying Attractive and nice. I NEVER see both of those qualities in a woman.

Sigh.

:)

The first-worldiest of first-world irritations

Ready? It's truly pathetic.

I have a TV downstairs in the living room and a TV upstairs in my bedroom.

On Sunday nights at 11:00, I like to watch back-to-back episodes of Bob's Burgers on the Cartoon Network (the problem is not only first-worldly, it's also incredibly dorky).

Since it's late on a Sunday night, I'd love to watch the second episode upstairs while I get ready for bed.

HOWEVER, for that ONE EPISODE for no discernible reason, Bob's Burgers only broadcasts in Spanish on the TV upstairs. Downstairs, it's fine.

But I always feel VERY put out with the situation.

And now you know how very small my world is on Sunday nights. :)

Some things are worth a WOW

This? Not so much.

OOOOOOH! STACKABLE CHAIRS!

More adventures at Target

Here's a huge non-secret: I color my hair. Because I like having dark hair. And white cannot, in any way, be considered dark.

My roots need a little touching up. So I bought the appropriate chemicals to do that.

At the checkout, the (white-haired, older than I am) lady behind the register looked at the box, looked at me, and said You do your hair?

Assuming she was asking if the product was for me, I nodded.

Then she went off I don't use this fake stuff. I let it all go. And when people ask me what I did, I tell them I STOPPED PUTTING THAT FAKE SHIT IN MY HAIR, THAT'S WHAT!

Um, ok. I'm not quite sure what that means for me, because I fully plan on putting that fake shit in my hair. For the next decade at least.

But it SEEMS like she meant it as a bit of a jab; I'm ok with that. I'm not going to derive my self worth from a complete stranger at Target (unless they stop me and tell me I'm beautiful, which would be awesome. Hasn't happened yet, but you never know).

But the funny thing was this. At the end of the transaction, she said I'm writing my name down on the bottom of your receipt. Take the survey at the bottom and let them know about the service you received today. 

Whuck??

Not quite sure we're on the same page, Caroline V.

Furniture shopping

The best shopping is the window shopping you do to get ideas for tax-refund money that has not yet arrived. 

I need new (and matching! How grown up!) beside tables to go under my new (and matching! How grown up!) lamps. 

We braved IKEA on Saturday afternoon (I still think they should sell I SURVIVED IKEA ON SATURDAY AFTERNOON T-shirts). And I think I found the ones I want (and a million other things), but we decided to go to a regional mega-chain just to see what they have. 

This is a place with HUGE furniture. And chairs that are motorized to help you stand up. And coffee tables that reach up so that you can eat your meals and do everything but poo while you plant your ass on the couch (and I'm pretty sure that's in the works). 

I took pics of things that made me laugh. 

Like this... "sculpture." It's fake plastic beer. 

It ain't cheap. 

 

And here's a super-fancy cosmopolitan big-city New York grouping... 

For someone who's never been to New York. 

Love this heinous Roman column dinette set. Check out the zebra and weird handwriting chairs.

Here's an insane snowball lamp. Adjust the balls for your lighting needs!

Peace for sale. 

But I saved the best for last.

I call it HOLLY HOBBY THROWS UP.

What made me feel REALLY old on St. Pat's

My folks were all excited to go have a few beers at a fun bar and I was the one holding back and saying Whoa! That place will be a madhouse with no parking. Plus, I'm wearing cute suede boots. I don't want to get green vomit all over them.

We DID end up going out to a fun bar that we could all agree on, but I feel old nonetheless. :)

Good to know, IKEA

Went to IKEA on Saturday (I still think they should sell I Survived IKEA on Saturday T-shirts). 

Along with numerous other things I didn't need, I bought this (it's so cute! I couldn't leave it there).

Almost ate it, but THEN... I read the last line.

Whew! That was close.

That's not something you see in the alley every day

How fun to open the garage door and discover this!

My guess is that I'll encounter the same thing when I arrive home tonight, because the trash men won't take it.

Also discovered: According to the boxes left outside, nearly everyone else in the neighborhood bought new TVs. It's like they all went TV shopping together and didn't tell me.

Oh, how exciting it must be to read this! Lucky you!

Oh well. They can't all be winners.

Chats with Dad

Dad does my taxes. He likes math. I don't. It's a good system for both of us. 

This is the chat we had regarding taxes last night.

I love Dad.

"Healthy Tips for Women"

Y'know, somehow I have a hard time believing they'd have a man pose in this position to promote "Healthy Tips for Men."

WTF, Facebook?

Also, 4,453 LIKES for this???

Sigh. 

Coming soon to a street corner near you

This superfancy, hillbilly hooker getup.

This thing has it all!

Acid wash!

Frayed cutoffs with 1/4-inch inseam and daisy appliques!! (Note the security tag in case someone wants to steal this gem.)

All brought to you by famous designer HOT KISS®.

Redefining second-hand smoke

The other day, I stopped at the local Dairy Queen for a soda. It was nice outside, so I sat in front of the store while I enjoyed it.

While I sat there, I saw a teenager walk up to the ashtray on top of a trash can, pick out a cigarette butt, light it up, and smoke it.

Just when I thought a disgusting habit could not get more disgusting, the Youth of America proves me wrong yet again.

Ew.

Today's personal victory

Not taking the bait in an ages-old argument that doesn't matter anymore. 

I never realized before

How much it looks like the stairs are on fire in this scenario. That doesn't seem much safer than the elevator.

Is it just me...

Or does this have a Human Centipede vibe to it?

Centipeep?

Come and play with us, Danny. For ever and ever and ever.

I think I've mentioned my obsession with The Shining in the past (and when I say "I think," I KNOW).

(I've also read the sequel. It's good, but I digress. I'm talkin' about the movie here.)

Who doesn't love the creepy twins?

And who wouldn't LOVE to know what they look like now???

They look so much... healthier. Apparently, they're on twitter, if you'd like to follow them... for ever and ever and ever.

A special moment in any/every editorial career

When someone who has chosen a career much different from yours approaches with an editorial/spelling/style question.

And you answer it. Confidently. Nooooo hesitation.

And then this happens.

[long pause]

Non-Editor: Really? 

Editor: Yes. 

NE: You're sure?

E: Yes. 

NE: Because it really seems like it should be the other way. 

E: I know; it's just one of the quirks of the language. 

NE: Really?

E: Yes. 

NE: You're sure?

E: Yes.

NE: Because, you know, it sounds funny your way. 

E: It's not really my way. It's just the way it is. It's correct this way.

NE: Really? 

E: Yes. 

And then they walk away in total disbelief.

Exhausting.

You're so jealous of me right now, aren't you?