Immature, but effective

Have someone in your life that you *have* to have programmed into your phone but you don't like?

Exes, angry conservative uncles, bigoted friends of the family, etc.

Give them appropriate names in your contacts.

Do you look at your phone, see a name, and sigh? The new name for that person is *Sigh*

Bigoted friend of the family? I found that programming their name in as [first name] "Hates The Gays" [last name] is a great tension reliever.

If they're going to call anyway, you might as well get a chuckle before you answer. 

Dear Pinterest and society at large

Can we stop using the word "Skinny" in recipes and product names?

Skinny isn't healthy. It's nothing to aspire to.

And it gives little girls who grow up with those products the wrong idea. 

Kate Moss once said that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

She sounds like a quitter to me. :) 

Put yourself on the list

For the duration of my recent long-term relationship, I had an uneasy feeling in the back of my mind. I even voiced it a few times to VERY few people: "I don't think I'm too high on _______'s list of priorities. In fact, I'm not sure I even make the list." Of course, we'd laugh this off and move on, but I still never quite felt comfortable with the thought.

Later on, after the lying and the cheating and the breakup, I found out why the thought made me so uncomfortable.

The ex and I were making an effort to be friends, and he sent me a picture of a list he'd made years ago (when we were together--and had been for a few years) for his life regarding getting back on track. It was an action plan that detailed what was important, what his assets were, and the things for which he was most thankful.

At first, I didn't give it much thought. Yep, good for you. Figure out what's important and make a new life for yourself, I thought. 

Then I took a closer look.

I wasn't on the list.

His friends were on the list.
His pets were on the list.
His CAR was on the list.

I wasn't on the list (neither was his family, but I digress). 

And, while I was irritated and completely flummoxed (why would he send me that list if I wasn't on it? Because it never occurred to him that I SHOULD be on it), it was a huge moment of clarity for me.

Folks, if you feel like you're not on someone's list, it's highly likely that you're not.

And rather than trying to make it onto their list, put yourself high enough on your own list to move on. 

It's my new relationship rule. Make it yours too.

Trust me on this one. ;)

A phrase I hope never to hear from a complete stranger outside of Trader Joe's

"I always put peanut butter on my Jo-Jos."

(even in context, it was still pretty disturbing)

Clooney theory

I think Clooney's gettin' Clooneyed.

Throughout the years, I've seen him on red carpets with gorgeous women on his arm. All of them gazed at him adoringly and hung on his every word. They were just happy to be there, rubbing elbows with the A-list, because they knew their time was limited. He never mentioned them during award-acceptance speeches and they never cared, because they were with Georrrrrrrge Muthafuckin' Clooney, y'all.

And then I watched The Golden Globes last Sunday.

He didn't have a fawning girl on his arm. He was the one fawning and falling all over his new wife.

Not only is she lovely...
She's educated.
She's got her own money.
She's a highly respected human rights barrister.
And she achieved all of that by the age of 36.

Also, from what I saw, she was not at all impressed by much of anything she encountered at the Golden Globes (many of her dinner companions have high school diplomas; some don't even have that). She did genuinely smile when he gushed about her (how very unclooneylike) during his acceptance speech. 

And instead of wondering how she managed to snag such an eligible bachelor, the tides turned and folks started to ask How did HE get HER???

He'd better watch out for that one. His time might be limited. :)

The single most satisfying winter activity

This works only in cold-weather cities. Sorry, San Diego (not really sorry).

On snowy days after you've driven around, getting enraged at your fellow idiot drivers, park the car, get out, and look behind your tires.

Snow boogers will have gathered there. Big-time snow boogers.

And there are few things more satisfying that kicking one of them off of your car and watching it splat to the ground. The sound. The sight. All of it.

Trust me.

Joyful stress relief

It's been a hell of a week (and it's only Wednesday).

But this... THIS has given me great glee.

It's the little things. 

D'ya ever wonder...

[If time-travel was possible and if it wouldn't fuck you up permanently to meet a younger/older version of yourself...]

If an older you approached you and told you to get out of the relationship you're in (one that, currently, is not causing you pain/giving you problems), would you?

I mean, it's YOU. It's not like you'd mislead yourself. But you don't have PROOF (other than your own word from your future self).

These are the kinds of knots I tie my brain into on Tuesday afternoons.