Balloon Family Christmas Special—Prison Edition

Well knock me over with a feather. It turns out that the Heenes just wanted to pitch their own reality show (I heard Balloon Dad’s self-recorded theme songs for two proposed shows. Based on those alone, neither show was going to get—ahem—off the ground). Don’t we have enough reality shows? And when are we finally going to take the “reality” tag off of them? I was thinking about this last night. If someone lived in a vacuum and these shows were their only grasp on reality, the following would completely cease to exist:

• People with desk jobs
• Real breasts
• 20-somethings who live in large cities and have crap jobs, crappier apartments, and subsist on Ramen noodles
• Women Hugh Hefner’s age
• Couples who have six children or more and jobs to support their families
• Women who can dress themselves
• Cakes that do not turn out well
• Shy people
  
• Washed-up celebrities who fade gracefully into oblivion
• Functional families
• Wedding dresses that cost less than $9,000
• Average cooks
• Women who are single and are fine with that
  
• People who work for Donald Trump who don’t see him every day
• Folks who can have a drink or two and then stop
• Individuals who met a significant other in any kind of normal fashion (i.e., not from a pool of bachelors or bachelorettes who vie for fantasy dates and roses)
  
• People who are neither too fat nor too skinny who just try to eat well and exercise a bit
• People who read
• Playboy Playmates who date men their own age
• Folks who get pulled over by the cops and calmly hand over their license and registration and accept the ticket
• Women who think plastic surgery is a bad idea

If that's reality, I'm about as unreal as it gets, folks.