I hope he lost a bet

Beau snapped a photo of this fella at a bar this week.

Sigh.

I've cropped his face out of the photo because I'm feeling charitable. ;)

Merry Christmas, everybody!!

Me, some old lady, and one big beer

Today, my folks and I drove down to Castle Rock, Colorado, looking for some calendar Mom wanted.

We didn't find it.

But we did find a cute little cafe with wonderful food for lunch.

I'm officially on Christmas break, so I decided to go all out and order enchiladas and a schooner of beer.

I hadn't had a schooner of beer in a long time (but boy do they bring me back to my college days).

Both the enchiladas and the beer were delicious.

We paid the bill and made our way to the door.

"How was that beer?" Asked a voice behind me.

I wheeled around to see a little old lady.

"It was good," I replied.

"Well, I noticed it was so big you needed two hands to lift it."

And with that, she huffed off.

For Pete's sake! I'm on vacation, I wasn't driving, and I'M NEARLY 40 YEARS OLD.

I'm a magnet for angry little old ladies.

Dear Abby, I'm in love with a scrooge

Ok, Beau isn't really a scrooge, but this story made me laugh.

On Saturday, he and I went to the pedestrian mall near my house to enjoy a little lunch, a little beer, and a little college football.

On our way back to the car, we walked through Santa's waiting area. Lots of little kids were VERY excited to see him (a sight that always makes me so happy). The sign said that Santa was out feeding his reindeer and that he'd be back in ten minutes (this is a euphemism I'm going to find a way to work into conversation sometime very soon. "Excuse me, I need to go feed the reindeer." But I digress.)

When we walked into the parking garage, we spotted Santa.

"Santa, you'd better hurry! They're chomping at the bit to see you!" I told him.

Santa thanked me and walked on.

And then there was a little hiss from Beau that (thankfully) only I could hear:

"WE KNOW YOU'RE NOT REAL!"

How damning! If he didn't have a smile on his face when he said it, I might have been frightened.

WE KNOW YOU'RE NOT REAL!

Wow.

Dear Betty Crocker

I love your daily recipe emails.

But perhaaaaaaaps you should hire someone under the age of 55 to come in and read these before you send them out.

This IS Colorado, but...

I like foods that are fast and easy too...

But the day I buy a frozen nachos kit, I might as well wear pajamas to the store to buy it.

Can't sprinkle cheese over chips and nuke the lot of it?

Laziness has hit a new low.

Holiday marketing hits a new low

Limited-Edition holiday kitty litter.

Sigh.

I give up.

Weird holiday stress relief

I found a (free) app called typic, which lets you superimpose words on top of pictures.

I've used this mean-looking photo of Lola (she's actually just yawning, but she looks deadly) to work out my seasonal aggressions.

I'm a one-woman meme!!

I know it's sad. But you know I'm beyond giving a shit at this point. :)

Road rage

On my commute home last night, I found myself behind a grown-ass adult driving a Suburban with the following stickers on the back:

Twilight
New Moon
Eclipse
Breaking Dawn

Freaking Twighlight books!!

Why doesn't anybody put stickers of classics on their cars?

The Great Gatsby?
Of Mice and Men?
Leaves of Grass?
War and Peace?

If I see a Fifty Shades of Gray sticker, I'm fucking ramming the car. That's all there is to it.

It's not the Christmas season until...

I've heard this. I'm a child of the 80s. It makes me hap-hap-happy!!

It's gorgeous, absolutely

But WHO HAS THE TIME TO MAKE AN 18-LAYER RED VELVET CAKE??

The recipe says it's easy, but I absolutely do not believe that.

I wish I had the spare time that others do.

Yum?

Oh, Dollar Tree. You make me so happy. I love walking out with an armful of stuff and having paid only $22.

The candy aisle makes me a bit nervous sometimes. Or maybe I'm just too old to appreciate new candy (the ones shaped like baby rattles and baby bottles? what's that about?).

These are what I encountered on my last climb up the Dollar Tree.

I might wear these as earrings if they were earrings. They're not earrings.

Here are the non-earrings. Close up.

These don't look so gross... if it weren't for that horrible, horrible name.
I will never want to ingest something with the name Juicy Oozers. 

Saved the best for last. Not only are they called Smog Balls. They're SOUR Smog Balls.
And there's a picture of toxic waste on the box.
Even the mushroom cloud looks concerned.
No thank you.

Failed attempt at sexiness

A few weeks ago, I went to a happy hour with a bunch of old office friends (some still work at the office, others have moved on).

When I arrived, it was a table full of men and one woman. A New Girl at the office. I don't know what her name is or what she does at the office (irritated at having another set of boobs at the table--even a pair as old as mine--she didn't bother to introduce herself to me).

Which was fine. I was content to sit back and watch. 

New Girls are like blood in the water for the sharks in the office. She had full command of the attention at the table.

And she was hammered.

And she was trying really, really hard.

She let someone draw dicks all over the backs of her hands and she attempted to draw vaginas on the backs of some of theirs.

She brought out all the dirty words and sexual innuendo she could muster.

And then she said something that kind of negated it all.

"I have more of a goatee than most guys."

I looked at Beau and said "There's no way I heard that correctly."

He nodded and said "Yes you did."

Whuck?

Pretty soon after that, she declared that her fiancee (a fella she'd failed to mention once during the preceding two hours) would be picking her up soon, and she left.

Show over.

But boy was it a good show.

Best crazy family story I've heard in a long time

This comes from a friend, and she summed it up in one sentence:

My cousin Ray didn't speak to his parents or siblings for 30 years when they doubted his story that he'd been abducted by aliens.

It doesn't get any better than that, folks!

Straight from my Pinterest Creepy Shit board

If this is a new trend in wedding photography, it's one more reason not to get married.

On Pinterest, this photo is titled After I Do.

Apparently, After You Do, your new mate for life defrocks you in the middle of a field with a photographer nearby.

Oh, and he remains clothed. 

No. Thank. You.

Yet another thing I don't get

Women who call their significant others by their given names rather than the names the fellas actually go by.

I used to be friends with a woman named Leigh (we nicknamed her The General Leigh, because she was soooooo damn bossy, but I digress). She met, started dating, and eventually married a fella named Jeff.

But she called him Jeffrey. All the time. To everybody. Even though he hated it.

I know a lot of women who do that, and I don't get it.

It would be like introducing Beau as Beauregard, even though he gritted his teeth, rolled his eyes, and said "It's just Beau" every time.

Can somebody enlighten me on this?

Is it an attempt to mother a grown-ass man?

This might be a stupid question...

But aren't they ALL disposable?