Troubling

I just got a call from a writer in an agency in New York.

He had a to, two, too question.

Hmmmmm. 

Two questions:

1. He makes his living as a writer and he doesn't know that?
2. NOBODY AROUND HIM at the agency knew it either???

I have no faith in the literacy of humanity.

Occupational hazard

Once you've established yourself as an editor, you get lots of fun little side projects from friends and coworkers.

It's a nice break from the monosyllabic world of advertising.

Until... one of them writes a love scene.

It's especially weird if it's someone you don't know well. Because it makes you wonder if they're referencing their own... uh... technique.

And then you finish reading the scene and really HOPE they're not referencing their own technique. 

Shudder.

Another thing about zombies

Ever notice that zombies immediately have greenish black teeth, even if they had perfect teeth as a human just moments before?

I mentioned this to Beau, and he said "If you're not whitening them, you're yellowing them."

Sigh.

Good point.

(And my least favorite ad campaign right now)

I understand that the book is titled Killing Lincoln

But it seems like they could have found better verbiage for the back.

My vote for most annoying ring tone

It's gotta be the damn cricket noise.

When you have a cricket in your house, you tear rooms apart looking for it. Crazy with rage! Anything to make it stop!

So why do you PURPOSELY set your phone to make that same noise that drives you (and ME) batshit?

Grrrrr.

The gospel according to Kim Kardashian

Apparently, all it takes is public fornicating, fame-whoring, and a 72-day sham marriage!

Sh•t just got real

I tried to be nice and funny with my adorable little shitflags, and they didn't take heed.

Now the HOA is on the case, and (despite the fact that--if this note is to be believed--they apparently think the DOG should do the picking up) those bitches don't mess around.

(No, I'm not calling; I've never actually seen a Shit In Progress--that dog is a ninja shitter--and I hate to be of help to the HOA. Plus, this is a farce. They know who does it. They know it's a HIM.)

Dad invents a bizarre new comeback

Dad had a colonoscopy yesterday afternoon. He didn't get to eat anything for almost 48 hours.

So he was VERY excited to plan a large meal afterward.

This is the exchange we had.

 

PLOP. 

I'm using it. 

In everyday conversation. 

All the time. 

From now on.

PLOP. 

Responsibility

Is apparently very subjective.

PLEASE SUCK DOWN YOUR $1 IRISH WHISKEY JELLO SHOTS RESPONSIBLY!!

But what I really need to know is...

Where am I supposed to plug in for audio?

To the fella on the tricked-out, unnecessarily loud motorbike

Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, thinks you have a big penis.

In fact, when you rev that bike, interrupting every conversation, phone call, and train of thought around you, people tend to think it's probably smaller than it even is.

Food for thought.

What was important to America on 3/13/13

These were the three most popular posts on Huffington Post yesterday.


In order.

Legal mumbo-jumbo

I'm sure most of you don't read a lot of small print. Why would you? I do, but I get paid to do it.

One of my favorite parts about reading contest rules is the list of things that could make the contest null and void due to events beyond control, including but not limited to:

• fire (sorry, your entry burned in the company bonfire)
• flood (and then it got drowned when the bonfire set off the sprinklers)
• epidemic (and then we got food poisoning because Willard left the potato salad in the sun AGAIN)
• earthquake (your entry fell on the floor when we had an earthquake--we can't possibly pick it up now; it's all dirty)
• explosion (if your entry explodes, you're fucked)
• labor dispute (until we get another week of paid vacation, you're not getting your beer-can-shaped grill)
• strike (until we get adequate smoke breaks, you're not getting your autographed beer-can-shaped surfboard)
• act of God or public enemy (It was preordained that you would not win this contest. Also, I'm not sure God appreciates being looped in with Public Enemy--but whatever. Fight the power)
• satellite or equipment failure (an asteroid took out our satellite. No autographed beer-can-shaped hoverboard for you)
• riot or civil disturbance (the entire city does not want you to win an autographed beer-can-shaped spaceship. They got really upset. Rioted. Set cars on fire. Your entry was lost)
• war--declared or undeclared (there's an undeclared war out there somewhere. We're pretty sure your entry got taken down by friendly fire)
• terrorist threat or activity (turns out, there's a terrorist cell dedicated solely to keeping you from winning a beer-can-shaped Hummer. Sorry. Your entry was confiscated by the CIA)

I Can't Believe It's On Sale, Vol. 1

Before I start, I want props. I went to a shoe store and a book store on Sunday and came home with no new shoes or new books.

Self. Restraint. Booyah! 

That's a pretty big damn deal in Zickletown.

Then again, it might have been the selection on this outing that helped me just say no. Look at the treasures I found.

Despite the fact that they're not at all obnoxious and go with EVERYTHING in my wardrobe, I managed to pass these babies up.

Unless you're "working" somewhere with a lot of black lights, I don't know that these neon green platforms are good for anybody. 

The 80s called. They're sorry they threw up all over these shoes. (Look closely. The heel is mint-green metallic and the platform is metallic pink at the peep toe.)

Daniel Day Who? The only thing that could make Honest Abe even sexier is seein' his sweet ass in 3-D, mofos!

Oh yes. It's the Bible. Retold through the magic of LEGOs.

An Army of One... and yet there was an horde of about 40 of these losers on the bargain shelf. Hmmmm.

14 more things that are fun to say

Pyongyang

Hypocritical Bigot

François Hollande

Dirigible

Kerfuffle

Quevanzhané (Wallis)

Bulbous 

Filibuster

Juggernaut

Autumnal

Frenetic  

Carboniferous

Pharmaceutical  

Knickerbocker

Never, never, never

Would I ever try to find a boyfriend this way. I want (and am lucky to have) a nice fella who just happens to like cats. Not a man who defines himself that way.

Though I AM curious about the folks who frequent this site.

Not curious enough to click the link, however. 

Salad virgin

I found this link on Pinterest.

The salads all look really good, but for someone over the age of 15 who's posting to a blog called LetsTalkFitness.com, this fella has had a lot of health firsts lately. (And, before you start to whine and tell me that this guy is working toward healthy change in his life and who am I to make fun of him and blah blah blah, save it. This is a humor-ish blog written with the words Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke in the back of my head at all times.)

Before I start in on him, I fully admit that I didn't know there was meat in mincemeat (I suspected, but it sounded too gross to be true).

I've lifted the following quotes straight from the post:

• This salad recipe comes from DashingDish and includes the first time I have ever tried chickpeas!
• I... learned to like goat cheese when I first tried a frittata.
• I only tried cilantro for the first time a few weeks ago in a smoothie and since then I have enjoyed it in salad recipes like this one.
• I haven’t eaten many avocados but since trying them in the chocolate mousse recipe, I have started to work to incorporate more into my food intake.
• This recipe includes one of my favorite veggies (ok I know it is a fruit) tomato and lemon juice which is my favorite citrus.
• Ok, I admit it…I never thought you could put strawberries in a salad. That was until I had them in a salad from Snap Kitchen. And now I know that strawberries in salads rock.   

Bless his little chickpea-virgin heart! 

In defense of dogs

We were chatting at work yesterday about how much work dogs and kids are (full disclosure, I have neither).

One of my coworkers is taking care of her brother's dog this week.

It was unbearable to stand outside and just wait for an animal to poop! she said.

True. But when you think about how hard it would be for any of the rest of us to poop on command, dogs seem pretty damn amazing. 

Another one of my crazy beliefs

There should be no crying in run-of-the-mill office meetings.

Period.

Who needs a bucket of pig blood...

When monstrosities like this could drive you batshit at prom?

What girl DOESN'T want to go to prom dressed like a bedazzled highlighter?

Enjoy!

Marketing!

I've worked in advertising for over a decade. I understand the eternal pressure to make unexciting items exciting (leading to impulse purchase and higher basket ring... I could throw super-impressive buzzwords and catchphrases at you all day, but I want you to keep reading).

My Uncle Kev (who is not my uncle, but that's not important here) sent me this photo he took at Target.

I can only imagine the research that went into this brand.

We've got to make it pop!
We've got to make it exciting!
We've got to stop people in their tracks!

How can we do that?!?

Hmmmmm....

I KNOW!

suction! drain protector! soap saver! stackable storage basket!

If they get that excited about a soap saver, what's left for Happy Birthday or We're Having a Baby?