What piece of decor did Ted Bundy love to see in a woman's home?

You know it's funny. Black humor is still humor.

The typo that's turned into one of the most fun words to say ever

COMPLUTER!

Say it with me, friends!

complutercomplutercomplutercomplutercomplutercomplutercomplutercomplutercomplutercompluter!

Obsessive? Perhaps. But it's oh-so satisfying to say.

complutercomplutercomplutercomplutercomplutercomplutercomplutercomplutercomplutercompluter!

Small pleasures. 

More Dollar Tree magic

There truly is no end to the blog fodder available at your local dollar store. It's all so awesome. And it's all available for JUST ONE DOLLAR!

A new take on the hair bow.

Unless you want to LOOK like you bought your haircolor at the dollar store,
I suggest steering clear of this one.

The cleverness escapes me. Looks like a plastic box.
Maybe it's clever because it makes you look like you don't have any money because you can only afford a crappy wallet.
What thief in his right mind is going to steal this?

From the pic at the top right, it can double as a boob skirt. PRACTICAL!

Never realized there was a need for this product. I'm curious and disgusted at once.

You can get a BOOB JOB at the dollar store!!!
That's a mere 50 cents a boob!
Just don't pump 'em up too much or you might end up with a pair of...

Bursting onions. :)

If you've got sour balls, you'd damn well better be wonderful and charming.

Got a fancy kegger this weekend?

I've got just the thing for you!

From the If You Can't Laugh, You Cry files

I don't care what or where the disaster is. They always seek out and interview the shirtless guy.

Fat tabby update

Fat, healthy, happy, resting heavily on my arm, and thankful I've abandoned any further pulse-taking efforts. 

Confirmed

WebMD is just as much as a panic button for pets as it is for humans.

You know how it is when you have, say, a sore toe and then you look it up on WebMD and learn that you'll likely need the entire leg amputated.

Late last night, I realized that my fat tabby had nibbled on a plant that was likely not good for her.

I went online (because it was too late to call my vet).

BIG mistake.

TAKE YOUR CAT TO THE VET IMMEDIATELY OR IT WILL DIE! YOU ARE A HORRIBLE, PIECE-OF-SHIT PET OWNER FOR EVEN LETTING YOUR CAT WITHIN FIVE MILES OF THAT PLANT!

I read this over and over again on many different sites.

But she didn't have any of the symptoms. None. Not vomiting. Not diarrhea. No loss of appetite (though, fatty that she is, she really enjoyed my thorough testing on that front). No depression (as far as I can tell. She lives a life of luxury and had her appetite tested. What's to be depressed about?).

So I waited through the night, watching her and annoying her (trying to check a tabby's pulse by putting your ear against her is harder and less effective than you think).

I got through to the vet this morning.

I explained everything and asked if I should bring her in.

"No, if she doesn't have symptoms, she's fine. That plant isn't highly toxic."

Thanks, Internet. You fucker. 

You know it's gonna be a great day when

You sit down in the first meeting of the day and someone kicks everything off by saying:

"I don't know how to say this without sounding like a dick, but..."

Sigh. :)

Three words that explain why Denver is not a world-class city

No. Donut. Delivery.

Yes, I still occasionally shop at Claire's

And this is why:

SPRINKLE DONUT EARRINGS!

Unless it dispenses actual donuts

I think "fun" is a bit of an overstatement.

25 bucks

There's a sucker born every minute.

More spectacular parenting

While waiting for a table in a restaurant, I saw a father walking with his kids, wanting them to hurry.

But instead of telling them to hurry, he said "If this place was on fire you'd both be burned to death."

Charming. 

Fancy pooper!

I've never paid much attention to the horse's ass outside PF Changs. But once I saw this, I couldn't unsee it.

Granted, I don't spend a lot of time around horses, but this doesn't seem quite right.

There's a lot going on here

A lot.

This is on the windshield of the car, not the back window. 

And this is one of my neighbors. 

I honestly do like kids, but...

I went to see Mary Poppins with my folks downtown last Friday. It was a big, Broadway-style production. Gorgeous sets. Insane talent. And we had great seats.

Here's the drawback.

The dude next to me brought his two kids. They were between the ages of 8 and 11. And the boy clearly did not have a taste for the arts.

He did nothing but ask questions and whine in a constant, unbroken conversation with his dad, who patiently answered every question.

These are the questions I heard within the first TWO MINUTES of the show:

[The lights go down]
Are the lights off? 
[The singing starts]
Are they singing?
Are those real people?
Are those kids brother and sister?
Is that their real mom? 
Why are they talking like that? 
How many more songs until this is over?
[during the same song]
How many more songs until this is over?
[This turned out to be his favorite question of the night]
Can we go home?

And that's how it went. For an hour and a half. He whined. He cried. He kicked seats.

And his dad? Did pretty much nothing to quell any of it.

I know that parents out there will think that I'm being too rough and expecting too much of a little kid, but when you're sitting in an $80 seat, you'd like to hear something better than what you'd hear in the McDonald's PlayPlace for free.

Am I wrong in this?

If your kids are going to act that way at the theater, DON'T BRING THEM TO THE THEATER.   

Right?

Funny, I get

It's the BEYOND that gives me pause.

Afflictions of the clumsy, nearly middle-aged

When Beau asked me how I got a small cut on my forehead, I couldn't find a sexy way to say:

While I was trying to get the cheese drawer open in the refrigerator,  I dashed my forehead on the butter dish.

HUBBA HUBBA!

Sigh.

How do you GET that gig?

Lately, I've come across more and more folks who've either seemingly brainwashed others into doing the parts of their jobs that they don't like or who somehow just avoid doing the things they don't like altogether (without getting in trouble for it).

Like an elephant keeper who just doesn't enjoy sweeping up after the elephants... so he doesn't. But he still gets to be an elephant keeper.
A taxi driver who doesn't necessarily want to drive people around.
A gardener who just can't stand dirt. 

I recently met someone (not a coworker) who put out a mandate that she doesn't like sitting through PowerPoint presentations--so nobody makes her do it. She's young! She's not in charge! And yet, somehow, she has been able to enforce this ridiculous rule.

Nobody likes sitting through PowerPoint presentations. Nobody.

But, somehow, this woman found a way to get around it.

I see this more and more often.

How do you get a reputation like that?

I want one!

I want to hear someone whisper this about me to someone else as they walk by my desk:

She says she's more productive if she sleeps in until 10:00 and leaves promptly at 5:00 each night, so we just let her do it. Also, always ALWAYS be sure she has a donut waiting on her desk when she walks in at 11:00. You don't want to know what she's like when that donut's not there.  

How do I go about this?

Someone tell me, please.

Funniest thing anybody said to me yesterday

I was chatting about books with a friend.

Friend: Oh, God. I'm reading the most depressing thing ever. It's actually depressing to open it up and start reading it at night. 

Me: What's the book?

Friend: [in all seriousness] Veronika Decides to Die. 

Gee. if only there'd been some sort of clue she could have picked up on beforehand. :)

The titilation this job affords

In my very glamorous editorial job, I sometimes have to look up a phrase or word to be sure it is or is not a registered trademark.

Yesterday, I had to look up Crystal Ice (there was a bag of ice on a job I was looking at).

Turns out, Crystal Ice is not registered to an ice company. But it IS registered to this company.

My question here is about the relative safety of GLASS sex toys.

I also love that a lawyer had to type this out and submit it to a government agency:
Adult sexual stimulation aids, namely, glass sex toys in the nature of dildos, butt plugs, anal beads, glass vibrating dildos and sex toys in the nature of stimulating beads and weighted pleasure balls. 

IN BED!!!