Is it just me...

Or did Gwenyth Paltrow's Oscar dress this year look a lot like a steamed vagina?

Social experiment

Well, I did it.

To see what would happen, I changed my online profile to read, in part, "I'm at the stage in my life where I just want to meet someone and devote my life to taking care of him."

Annnnnnnnd... interest skyrocketed. From guys with "conservative, home-grown values" who'd need me to work out more often and move 300 miles away from my home to take care of them.

Sigh. 

It was a little disheartening. One of my friends told me "I was afraid that your faith in mankind would be unrecoverable after this. I think I might be right."

And she was very nearly right.

Then I decided to try one more thing. I changed "I'm at the stage in my life where I just want to meet someone and devote my life to taking care of him"to "I have a wicked, wicked sense of humor."

That also garnered a ton of interest.

What little faith I had in online fellas has been restored. Somewhat.

But I'm still not pinning my hopes on online dating.

At all. 

Should I?

As I've outlined once or twice before, I don't take online dating seriously.

So why not have a little fun?

When you make a profile change, it shows up in a newsfeed.

I'm thinking about making the following change to my profile: At this point in my life, I'm ready to dedicate myself entirely to pleasing my man.

Just to see how viewership would spike.

What do you think? :)

Oddest dealbreaker yet

I don't take online dating seriously. At all. Really, you can't. If you did, I think you'd be suicidal all of the time. To be honest, I know other people have found true love that way, but I don't think it's how I'll be meeting anybody.

It's really just a great way to collect screenshots of insanity (the guy who posed with his pet racooon, the guy who wore a tux and stroked a cat in his pics [supervillain in training?], the guy who photoshopped horns on his head, and... the guy who posed naked in the gym with only a well-placed soap dispenser for modesty).

Usually, there's a dealbreaker that stops communication (sometimes on my side, sometimes on theirs). Then you shrug and go on about your day.

The most recent one was precious.

He sent me a picture of a Minnie Mouse coffee mug and asked me how cute I thought it was.

Kinda cute, I responded.

**END OF COMMUNICATION**

Seriously, that was it. 

I had no idea that the fate of an entire relationship could hinge on pink Minnie Mouse coffee mug. :D

A discussion over lunch yesterday

Me: My hands are so dry. I think I have some lotion in my purse. [I did. I handed it over once I was done with it.]

Mom: [After using it and handing it back] This smells so good! What's it called? 

Me: Nilla Lace. 

Mom: Vanilla Ice?

Me: Nilla Lace. 

Mom: Vanilla Lice? 

Me: Why would they call a product you put on your body LICE? Lace! Lace! Vanilla Lace!

Mom: Oh! Vanilla Lace. That makes much more sense. 

Me: Here [handing it over], it's yours. I don't think I want it anymore. 

:)

The Affliction

In the past year and a half, I've been on the receiving end of a number of condolences like this.

• You are so brave. 
• I don't know what I'd do in your position. I'd probably just give up. 
• You're doing really well, considering. 
• I'd just feel so hopeless in your position. 
• What are your options at this point?
• This has got to be especially hard now, given your age. 

At this point, you're probably wondering what horrible malady I've been suffering in silence. Never once mentioning it in this blog. Soldiering on bravely in the face of tragedy.

Is it an incurable disease?
Family emergency?
Money issues?

Nope.

They're allllll talking about my relationship status. 

Apparently, being single (and a woman) in your early 40s is The Worst Thing That Could Possibly Happen to Anybody.

More perplexing? The fact that everybody else is so much more concerned about it than I am. The only time I really worry about it is when the Consolation Squad sets in on me and gets me to worrying if I SHOULD BE as worried as they are.

Don't get me wrong; I'd love to have a partner in crime, and I'll find one when the time (and the fella) is right for me. In the meantime, I'm enjoying being on my own and amassing an amazing collection of dating-profile screenshots (seriously, EVERYBODY should join a dating website. Not to meet anybody, but for the sheer comedy. It's hours of entertainment. Worth every penny.)

But I don't go to bed worried about it. I don't think about my relationship status any more than anybody else thinks about their own. I go to work, take care of what I need to take care of, and do the things I enjoy with the people I enjoy doing them with. 

Maybe I'm just really good at being single.

Whatever the case, thanks for the support. I'll be fine. :)

Today's best elevator exchange

Friend: I'm going shopping so I don't have to do laundry tonight. 

Me: Don't feel bad. I'm going for a walk so I can drink wine tonight. 

Friend: Oh, I have a stand-up desk. So I stand for 15 minutes each day. That's good exercise. I'm healthy. 

Me: I have one of those desks too! Imma do that. That's genius!

Snark, done right...

Is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

I found these comments at the bottom of a story about how Charles Manson's ex fiancee only wanted to marry him so she could embalm him and put him on display once he kicked it.

As much as I loathe Internet comments and commenters, I love ArfyBarfy.

Psycho?

Ok, I promised to be careful with names here. But the story itself and the question it poses are too good to resist.

My friend's husband, we'll call him Sam, is super nice. Quick to put you at ease. Great fella.

My friend said he's actually had a few stalkers in the past because he's so nice and nonthreatening.

On to the story.

Sam works at a large company in a big, beautiful building with its own cafeteria. Once or twice a week, Sam would go to the cafeteria and get a sandwich. He was always polite to the woman behind the sandwich counter, and she came to notice that he favored a certain type of bread.

So she started making more sandwiches with that bread.

Nice, right?

But then one time he came to the counter and she was helping someone else. Another cafeteria employee tried to help Sam, but she stopped them, saying I know what he wants. Which was a bit odd, and held him up in line for a bit, but he's a nice guy, so he didn't say anything.

And, side note, he's been crystal clear about the fact that he's married and that he loves his wife and child very much. He hasn't been flirting. He's just been nice. 

Another time, he went up there with some buddies, who had a funny nickname for him: White Bread. They called him that in front of the sandwich lady and everybody laughed.

The Very. Next. Day...

He went up for a sandwich and she waved him over. She told him she'd been thinking about getting a tattoo to commemorate her food-service job at the company (she's got lots of tattoos). She raises a pant leg and shows him her new ink: A slice of white bread. I thought that was so funny yesterday, I thought that's what my new tattoo should be, she said.

Cue discomfort.

He never wants to go up there again.

And while it's funny, it's also just plain odd. 

Where do you think she ranks on the scale between Harmless and Bunny Boiler?

They say there are no stupid questions...

In my job, I read a LOT of Consumer/Frequently Asked Questions.

Because, when they're learning about new products, people apparently lose all common sense.

I won't quote any of the ones I've read at my desk (I have this thing about keeping my job). But I've gathered a little collection of others from random, unnamed (by me) products on Amazon.com.

My observations follow in italics. 

Body lotion: What is the expiry date?
--Good question. Because there will be ONE expiry date for alllllll of the lotion EVER made/sold. 
How long does it take to go through the entire bottle?
--Another good question. Because every person uses lotion at the same rate of speed (and for the same purpose).

One tube of mascara:
This comes with 5 mascaras? 
--No, you stupid fuck. It's one mascara.
Which is the blackest one? Carbon or Blackest Black? 
--I might go for the one with BLACKEST in the name. 

Facial moisturizer: 
Can this be used after shower?
--No, as with all products, you should put it on right BEFORE you shower.
Which should you use first? The face wash or the moisturizer? 
--Washing seems to be a new concept for some folks. 
Can a man use it? 
--No. This product will turn men right into women.
I'm 26 and have no wrinkles. Is it ok to use this? 
--Oh shut the fuck up.

Permanent markers:
Will they work on black paper?
--They'll work, but you won't be able to tell, genius. 
Do they work on clothing that will be washed?
--You have clothing that you don't wash??
Are they dried out? 
--They're new markers. You get to dry them out on your own!
If I write on walls with this? Would it erase with a wet towel? 
--No. They are PERMANENT MARKERS. 

Trash bags: 
What does 200 count mean? 200 bags? 
--This is so stupid, I cannot even formulate a response.
Why are people buying these?
--What???

Pray for our future.

I'm trying to determine whom I respect less

People with Twilight saga tattoos.

OR

People with 50 Shades of Grey tattoos.

Do a Google image search on 'em both. It's a toss-up.

Proud moment

Caught myself saying this to a friend today:

I'm really in love with the movie. I don't want the book to ruin it for me. 

And then I decided against reading the book. 

*sigh*

(Granted, I was talking about American Psycho, which IS an amazing, love-worthy movie. AND my friend--who read the book--agreed with me.)