I love my dad. My dad loves golf.

I want to get my dad a book or two on how to improve his golf game.

However, I simply cannot give my dad a book with any of the following titles:

• The Art of Scoring
• Ben Hogan's Magical Device
• Getting Up and Down: How to Save Strokes From Forty Yards and In

Who knew golf was so dirty?

OddlySpecific.com

Gotta love specificty.

If you've got waaaay too much money and more than a little insecurity...

Perhaps The Perfect 10! Aesthetic Toe Shortening™ is for you!

http://www.beverlyhillsfootsurgery.com/aesthetic-toe-shortening/

2012

The planets are aligning. The asteroid has chosen its path. It’s on its way to get us on December 21, 2012 (my cousin’s birthday—that ought to be one hell of a party). Get your ducks in a row! Gather your loved ones! Build a bomb shelter! We. Are. All. DOOMED.

Or not.

Despite what the Mayans proclaimed (and, indeed, if they were soooo smart, where are they now?), I’m not too concerned about 2012. Even if it’s true, what are any of us gonna do about it?

To counteract all of the gloom and doom, I’ve decided to look on the bright side.

IF the world ends on 12/21/12:

Nobody has to file 2012 income taxes.
No New Year’s Resolutions (and the inevitable depression that follows the day you give in and eat a dozen donuts in one sitting).
Ladies, no 2013 swimsuit season.
No more biting into a burger and finding one of those little hard things.
I, personally, will never turn 40.
No more traffic jams.
No more campaign ads.
No more waiting in line.
No more Emergency Broadcast System Test interruptions (who’s gonna miss THAT ear-splitting noise?).
No reruns.
No alarm clocks.
No junk mail.
No papercuts.
No shirt!
No shoes!
No service!

Well, you get the idea.

Enjoy that screeching alarm clock on the morning of 12/22/12.

Wanna Join the Band?

My friend V and I were talking about how much we dislike it when people post and tag unattractive photos of us on Facebook.

"Like this one," she said, pointing out a photo of herself in a swimsuit on vacation. "Ugh. It's all white thighs and boobies."

White Thighs and Boobies, we decided, is a GREAT name for a band.

I even came up with some awesome lyrics:
Play your cards riiiiiiight
And you just miiiiiiight
See some white thighs and boobies toniiiiiiight!

Of course, neither of us has any musical ability, but with a kick-ass name like White Thighs and Boobies, who needs talent?

We'll be holding tryouts in the next few weeks. 

Well, at least they're happy and well-socialized.

ProbablyBadNews.com is a treasure trove of fabulous ridiculousness.

Ah, the office.

Every office has those personalities that make your day better (and those that don’t). Here’s a list of some of the super-duper personalities at my office.

• The Cheese-Grater Voice: This woman shrieks every inanity that comes into her mind. Let me tell you why I don’t like Romaine lettuce anymore! Dogs are nice! How am I going to make it to spin class on time? Or, my personal favorite: TUNA!! If she ever leaves the company, she’s got a future in peeling paint off of walls with that voice.
• The Stomper: This fella buys all of his shoes based on the decibels they put out when he walks down the hall. If he’s upset about anything, you know about it a good 15 seconds before he arrives.
• The Munchausen Woman: If she has a new ailment or new food allergy, you hear about it. You hear ALL about it. You get updates every day. You don’t know much about her personal life, but you do know whether she’s pooped or not on any given day. And it’s then that you realize you’re witnessing the genesis of that old woman who tells complete strangers about the corns on her feet. 
• Supply-Cabinet Marauder: Dude, how many staplers do you need?
• The Fish Microwaver: She is possibly the most heinous office offender. This person coldheartedly funkifies the entire office with the reek of reheated fish and runs to hide (though, let’s be honest, she’s not hard to find—just follow the stench).
• The Every-Day’s-a-Musical Guy:  He always makes my day better. Even when there’s a problem, he manages to sing it for me. 
• The Whistler: The Andy Griffith Show theme song is going through your head? Thaaaaaanks for whistling it. Now it’s going through my head too.
• The Farter: Enough said.
  

Never underestimate the power of xenophobia.

peopleofwalmart.com

You'll thank me. I think.

Oh. My. God.

• Go to Google
• Type in the words "why won't"
• Look at the first entry in the auto-fill list below

I am speechless. I am without speech.

Glade and Geico: You Lost Me

Glade and Geico, who does your marketing?

Glade, I'll start with you. Why have you chosen as your spokesperson a woman who is so ashamed of the fact that she uses your products that she goes to great lengths to hide them? Furthermore, when her dirty fragrance secret is found out, all of her friends make fun of her for using your products. The little tagline you give her—And, yes, it's Glade—is such pathetic and resigned end punctuation to the ad. It's the cherry on top of the saddest sundae around.

Your new commercial for your holiday candles is adorably befuddling as well. A beautiful blonde makes a snowy trek over the river and through the woods to pick some cranberries from a bush to add a lovely holiday scent to her candles. However, you managed to forget that cranberries grow in bogs, not at the tips of branches in the dead of winter.

Geico, what's with the weird stack of money with googly eyes and annoying 80s soundtrack? I don't get it (and not in the way that I don't get some scenes in The Shining but love the movie anyway—what the hell was the guy in the dog costume doing to the fella in the tux anyway??). I've polled a number of folks in the Ad Business, and they can't decipher it either. It's not clever. It's annoying. And it doesn't make me want to purchase insurance from you.

I also notice that you've got a schizophrenic approach to your campaigns. You have the googly money, the gecko, and—sigh—the cavemen (once their sitcom was canceled, you coulda taken that as a sign and ditched that campaign). Who's your target audience?

You make the FreeCreditReport.com (Yeehaw! I could've seen this comin' at me like an atom bomb...) guys look brilliant in comparison.