"Lazy Boy" doesn't cover it anymore

My beloved, bright red floral sofa has seen better days. And when the cushions started to rip from too much asswear, I knew it was time to trade her in for something a little more presentable.

So I went shopping.

There's a lot of HEINOUS furniture out there.

It's the household equivalent of the canary in the coal mine as to how lazy we as a country have gotten.

• coffee tables that rise up at the push of a button to meet you at the couch and become a dining surface
• sectionals that would seat a family of 11 (or two beached whales) comfortably
• sofas that plug into the wall and light up your reading space, massage your legs, act as stereo speakers, keep your drink cold, and lord knows what else (I shudder to think--but I'm guessing the sofatoilet isn't far behind)
• recliners that rise up to meet your ass and sit you down gently so you don't have to go through all of the irritation and hard work of sitting down and standing up on your own
• a massive black leather sectional with a "padded" leather coffee table that slides in to create a sitting/sleeping/screwing surface the size of a California king-size bed

I could go on, but do you really want me to?

I wanted a simple sofa and chair to replace the ones I and my animals have lovingly destroyed over the past decade.

To find those, you've gotta go alllll the way to the back!

I'm not joking. The couch I wanted (a simple, normal sized, chocolate-brown, super-cozy corduroy couch that does not plug into the wall) was wedged into a dark corner like a red-headed stepchild.

The mission-style recliner I chose was in a more respectable region of the store because, I'm guessing, it has moving parts!

I'm sure there are folks out there who scoff at my furniture-purist leanings. People who love plug-in couches that take care of their every need.

To them, I say this: I paid cash for mine. How's that payment plan treatin' ya?

:)