Ok pizza rolls....

Entertain me. :)

Speaking of zombies...

I'll be dressing up as one at work today. 

In preparation, I bought the standard zombie accoutrements (severed foot, plastic brain, appropriate makeup, and an old shirt of Beau's that I can destroy because--HELLO--I'm not destroying my own shirt). 

Oh, and blood. What's a zombie costume without blood?

Lemme tell ya, Rite Aid goes above and beyond in selling its fancy fake blood.

I had no idea that the fake blood market was so... cutthroat (oh yes I did).

It's THEATRICAL, PORTABLE, and used for HORROR DECOR!

It's DARKER AND RICHER than that bullshit you can buy at the costume shop next door.
It's MOVIE QUALITY, BITCHES!

Another way to kill zombies

According to a dream I had last Thursday night.

Feed them cheese.

Of course, this wasn't terribly helpful in the dream, because there was no electricity/refrigeration and we couldn't find any goats or cows.

Still, it's good information to pass along.

Who knew zombies were lactose intolerant?

Get out and vote, bitches!

This is a not-so-subtle reminder that people have fought for the rights we take for granted. I'm voting today (you can vote early in many states), and you should too!

It's your civic duty! If you don't vote, you are not allowed to bitch about the results later.

Best story I've heard this week

Last night at a happy hour, I ran into a former coworker whom I hadn't seen in awhile. He had some new tattoos on his arms that I hadn't seen before so I remarked on them. They were quite lovely.

He told me that they were relatively new.

I have these two (motioning to the ones on his arms), and a large piece on my back, he said.

I asked him what the piece on his back looked like and he told me that it was a paragraph.

A paragraph about what? I asked.

A paragraph explaining the shitty tattoo above it, he replied.

He then explained that he wanted to cover it up, but the tattoo artist told him that it was too big and too dark (and, frankly, too ugly) to cover up. So they came up with the paragraph idea instead.
This, I had to see. So I had him show me a picture of it on his phone.

I'll be damned if it ain't true.

It was a funny paragraph that ran the length of his back (he said it took five hours) that explains that the tattoo above isn't a map to dry land (who else would have a Waterworld reference inked in?) and that he was young and he thought it was really cool at the time. But now he can't remember what those Chinese symbols even mean anymore, and on and on.

In short, it. was. awesome.

And as you know, dear readers (all three of you), I feel compelled to share everything awesome (and weird and stupid and banal and disturbing) with you.

You're WELCOME!

The most interesting question I heard at the flea market last weekend

Does this mouthwash come in a different color?

Oh, spare me your precious sanctimony

This bag has taunted me for two days.

Why?

Because of THIS!

Translation: Back away from the candy bag, fat ass.

Screw you, M&Ms!

It's a good thing Beau and I don't share a checking account

He might have questioned this particular purchase had he seen this on the books.

BTW: It was Canvas and COCKTAILS. Get your minds out of the gutter.

My annual nerdy Halloween buzzkill

I find myself repeating this a lot. And nobody cares.

Frankenstein is the name of the doctor, not the monster.

The monster never gets a name in the book.

I know. You don't care.

When will the world learn...

That some things Just. Aren't. Sexy. 

Lawdy, help us all!

It is my destiny, apparently...

To run in a marathon down Arapahoe Road and realize halfway through that I'm not wearing any pants.

STOP THE PRESSES AND TELL ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS!

BACON IS A VEGETABLE!!!

I'm a sucker

Yesterday, I sat down at my desk to find an email from Beau that said:

Call me in 14 minutes! I'm boiling eggs! And painting!

And I actually did it.

And he knew I'd do it, too, which is why he answered the phone with:

Are my eggs ready?

Sigh.

I am the Sherlock Holmes of blog stats

Every so often, I pull up the old blog stats to see if the three of you are still reading (Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! Hi, Beau!).

When someone finds this blog via a google search, it provides a link to the search.

So when I saw this, I had to click the link.

The blog post itself must have been very disappointing to the clicker, because it offered zero helpful information (when do I ever provide helpful information?).

This is the sad resolution to that link (note the bad grammar; I would think that if you had such an important medical question, you'd take extra care typing it into google--then again, I guess not).

HERPES WATS IT SMELL,LIKE???

Weird things amuse me.

Saddest thing I've seen at a health food store

Cat food marketed directly, it seems, to crazy cat ladies.

I love Halloween and I love being scared

But this little piece of holiday decor just screams WELCOME TO THE GATEWAY OF HELL!!!

Call me a wuss; I wouldn't want it in my house. (But it's available at Target --very close to the light-up Mr. Hankey--if you want it in yours.)

Merry Christmas!

It's that time again. Late September/early October, when the back wall of Target celebrates Hallowgivingmas.

Mom and I were looking at the Halloween decorations (because they're the most fun), when I spied this $49.99 item on the shelf. 

It looked familiar to me. 

Where. Have. I. Seen. It. Before?

I've got it!

Howdy-Ho! It's Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo! Lit and fit for your front porch!

Weird milestone

It's the first time my dad has ever used omg in a text.

Or anywhere else, for that matter.

WTF is this???

Last weekend, Mom and I wandered around a local mall in search of diversion and good deals. 

What we found instead was creepy preteen hooker hideousness. 

The store is called Frenzy With An I (actually, it's just Frenzi, but I prefer it my way).

Why should girls dress like this when boys get to dress like regular human beings?

HELLO, KITTY!

HELLO... What's going on down there???
(notice the N-Z-I spelling on the window)

Oh for fuck's sake. Fuzzy leopard neon bell-bottom legwarmers.

Ok, the ensemble above is bad enough.

But THEN we saw this. 

We sat quietly and looked at it for a minute, utterly perplexed.

And then I said something to Mom that I never thought I'd say:

I don't get it. Is it for sex play? 

Because, honestly, it can't be considered REAL clothing.

Can it? 

I'd guess Halloween costume, but there were no other costumes in the window. 

It makes me sad. 

I fear for the future of our country.

 

This is funny

And it's not.

United States Sweaters... MADE IN CHINA!

That's your choice. Great. Now shut up about it.

Note: This is not a pro-life, pro-choice debate.

Instead, this is a tiny, insignificant rant. But a rant all the same.

Some people choose to have televisions in their homes. And they enjoy it. Some don't have televisions. And boy are they proud of that!

The ones who do have TVs get more than a little tired of the high-and-mighty attitudes of SOME (because not all non-TVers do this) of the folks who don't.

It's ok to watch TV. It's ok to admit that you ENJOY watching TV.

What I don't enjoy is hearing about how SOME people cannot believe that other people mindlessly tune out in front of TV when they could be doing better things like... reading, for instance.

Folks, I read all. damn. day. When I come home after work, I NEED some mindless entertainment.

I don't let a TV schedule take over my life.

I watch TV. How fucking shameful.

Despite the horrible, brain-liquifying side-effects that must accompany any television viewing, my IQ is still in pretty good shape.

Wanna compare numbers? :)

Perhaps I'm over sensitive...

But the start of this commercial always seems rather... serial-killer/date-rapey/I'm-going-to-wear-her-skin-like-a-coat to me.

What a tease.