Two creepy things

1. Children who sing like adults.
2. Grown-ass women who affect baby voices in everyday speech.

Please tell me that I'm not the only one who gets this

I posted it on Facebook with the caption

"GOT A DEVIL'S HAIRCUT IN MY MIND."

For those of you who don't get it, check out 2:59 on this video.

Sigh. I'm old.

Oh, yum

I love any recipe that calls for carcass as its first ingredient.

Cinematic revenge

Last Saturday, Beau came over after a rough morning at home (no need for details; needless to say, it had something to do with his ass-hat renter).

So I let him pick what we did that afternoon.

He wanted to see the Evil Dead remake.

And, while I don't mind most horror movies/thrillers and I LOVE zombie movies (a fact that, I'm sure, comes as a shock to you), I hate devil movies.

And I hate gore for the sake of gore.

It was the worst movie I've seen since Oprah brought Beloved to the silver screen. The only thing Evil Dead had over Beloved was that Evil Dead was only TWO hours of my life I'll never get back.

Chainsaws, raining blood, two self-inflicted amputations... it went on and on.

About midway through, I turned to Beau and said I don't think I love you anymore. 

It was that bad.

When we got home that evening, I went through the netflix movies I had (yes, I still cling to the DVDs) in an effort to make him watch something for revenge. The Magnificent Ambersons? No. It's directed by Orson Welles. Waaaaay too good for this situation. Woody Allen? Nope, he might like that.

I leave this decision up to you, folks. What should I make him watch? (Caveat: I have to enjoy watching the movie too. It's not enough that he doesn't like it.)

Let me know in the comments, please (you can leave an anonymous comment--I don't need your name).

Dammit. If only they'd made a movie based on Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret.

Too many fellas beating down your door?

Perhaps you should call this company.

Along with all of these other handy tasks, they will also DETER GENTS for you.

:)

Maybe my English is a little rusty

Because I have no idea how to creale anything, much less magic time.

The dumbest thing that made me happy last week.

On Thursday, I wore my little owl necklace.

I was delighted to discover that it nods when I do.

The future of our country

You might expect this to be a commentary about those two assholes in Boston. It's not. They don't deserve any more coverage than they've already gotten.

Nope. This is a window into someone else's world.

My friend Jamie occasionally gets emails from strangers who think she's someone else.

This is the latest.

Two things of note:
1. Hooked on Phonics does not work for everybody
2. Nobody this brilliant should be behind the wheel of a '65 Nova

Enjoy!!!

HEY! We haven't talked in such a long time! I miss you! are you still doing your audition for the X-Factor? Cuz its in like may and thats not that far away! OMG if you are im so excited for you! So, I was talking to this boy but he got a girlfriend! can you believe that!! I was like: wtf! I would have been happier if he was gay! lol. so life has been really crazy lately! i decided not to graduate early, and then i was llike, mom should just home school m e. but mom doesn't want to and i dont want to come to school! also im not taking any pre ap or ap classes next year. im just gonna focus as much time as i can on Art. i'm doing a project to get in to pre ap art. Im excited about it, but at the same time im kinda scared. like what if im not good enough? any way. im taking drivers ed! OMG! YAY! the only sad part is it's over in a week and theres this super cute kid who sits infront of me. but like, when am i ever going to see him again? its not like hell want to talk to me in the hallway. :( So whatever again. in speech we did this thing were you write the persons name by the thing that describes them best based off of nonverbal communication. one girl put my name under Frequently Infatuated. -.- i guess shes wright. I mean, how many boys have i talked about in one email? two so far! and im not done, yet.
there's another boy that is in speech (ok theres two, but one's a junior, so that's obviously never going to happen) And he is like drooling on me EVERY DAY! would you believe me if i told you that was irritating?
My mom was talking to my dad about the car i'm getting (it's a clasic) and she says(cuz my dad says that while i have my permit that i sould edrive old junkie cars) that she doesn't want me to drive an old truck cuz she doesn't want me to attract poor hicks. CAN YOU BELIVE THAT!!!!! I thouoght it was HILARIOUS! so ill be driving my nova. Chevy Nova that is. '65. Classic car. I've been talking to an old friend(that lives in texas, mind you.) and he wanted to get together with me. I was open to the idea, but my dad wants hime to spontaniously combust on a far away uncolinized planets in another galixly! so that is not happening either. i got a cool new journal (it's interactive) at books-a-million. It's called Wreck This Journal. It's great. on every page theres a different way to ruine it. like rub dirt on this page and spill coffe on this page and stuff like that theres one that says teare this page out. lose the page. except the loss. i like that one. there's another that says give away your favorite page and a sell this page and a hide this page in your nabours yard. theres one page that tells you to find a way to FREEZE the page! i'm so excited about it! i've decited to keep another journal about my experiance ruining the other journal. :) i was on google earth yesterday, and i found the park in England that I went to on my mission trip! i was so excited! i tried to find the house i lived in in romania, but i couldn't get it to stree view! made me so sad. ill try again later. i triend on the app even, but it wouldn't work. it makes me thing that there hasent been one of thouse picture cars down that street. ok, well i have to go now. class is over in 20 minuets and idont watn to be rushed.
SO email me back about your exciting life! i know our playing soccor again and that its going to be spring soon so youll be visteting the mountains im sure!!!!! and OF COURSE! about your boy life! lol. ILL talk to you later!.

Forever LOVE!
Emily. :)

Severe weather in Oklahoma

I love that Oklahomans have created the Gary England Drinking Game. Because it makes perfect sense that, during potentially life-threatening weather events, you'd want to be drunk.

Gary England is a meteorological legend in Oklahoma. You see his smiling face on TV during every storm.

A lot.

Looking at the rules of this game, you'd be hammered ten minutes into a storm.

YEEEEEHAW! It's a twister, y'all!

Emergency Ramen Noodles

I have some in my desk in the event that I forget to bring my lunch and/or can't get out for lunch. Lucky, lucky, lucky for me, that happens more and more often.

Which means more folks laugh at me as I heat up my Ramen in the kitchen.

But one coworker made me feel so much better about my college-throwback habit.

He told me that he used to eat Ramen DRY. No water. No heating it up. Just dry, crunchy noodles.

Suddenly, I'm feeling rather cosmopolitan! Hot water! Spice packet!

Take THAT, Martha Stewart!

Sibling rivalry

Now in tabloid form!!

Time to rebrand

I was watching TV last weekend and saw the commercial  for Acorn Stairlifts again and again. They likely stuck with me because I realize that one of those would never work in my home (my staircase turns three times).

The commercial goes on and on about how a tumble down the stairs could be deadly to a senior citizen and the best fall is no fall at all (I don't know that they put it as poetically as I do, but that's the gist).

Why, then, is the company named Acorn, something that, BY ITS VERY NATURE, FALLS OUT OF A DAMN TREE?!

That's why we don't have Knocked-Up Condoms, Break-Down Auto Parts, No-Signal Wireless.

I could go on. You know I could.

But I think I've made my point.

If you live like I do, you might need this trick

It's a way to tell if your eggs are fresh enough to eat or not.

Dissolve two teaspoons of salt in one cup of water.

Place the egg in the water.

If it rests at the bottom, the egg is good to eat.

If the egg floats, ditch it. It's no good.

I'm embarrassed to admit how many times I've used this trick.

Another workplace bathroom post

I know you never get tired of reading about the bathroom antics of my coworkers.

If they weren't such a screwy, dirty bunch of people, I wouldn't have so much to write about.

My friend Dani pulled me aside yesterday and said the following:

You are not going to believe what I just saw. I was in the ladies room upstairs and heard clickety-clack-clickety-clack from the next stall. I looked down and saw that someone had brought her laptop into the stall, set it on the floor, and was typing on it as she peed. 

WHAT THE FUCK, PEOPLE? I get grossed out when the end of my shoelace touches that floor. And you set your computer on it?

Dani said the girl then picked up her computer, set it down on the counter (another place where I'd never put anything I own/value), washed her hands, picked her computer back up with clean hands, and left.

What's the point of even washing your hands if you're going to touch something that's been all over the bathroom floor???

I understand that folks are busy, but how freakin' busy do you have to be that you answer emails while you're on the toilet?

Mortifying. 

Disgusting.

Signs of aging

My face, of course, remains youthful and unlined. :)

However, once I started spending tax-return money on things like a steam cleaner for the hard floor in my kitchen, I realized that the calendar has flipped many, many, many times in my life.

Also, this commercial gives me so much glee I can't stand it.


Yup. Old. 

The best 99 cents I've spent in awhile

It's an app called Cat Paint, which allows me to affix laser-shooting cats to photos.

It's more fun than you think.

Dad and I, enjoying green beer on St. Pat's.

Beau and I, celebrating my birthday (also with beer).

Duff, who has been known to drink a beer.

Beau. Cooking and eating his prey. There, of course, is beer just outside this shot.

Dad. Mom. Beer.

Me. (That white thing at the bottom of the shot is a beer pitcher.)

Kennedy. Lincoln. Both assassinated. Neither were drinking beer at the time.

Even yesterday's magazine cover is 10x more cat-tastic.

While many parents would be proud to see their daughters on a magazine cover

NO parent wants to see their daughter on THIS magazine cover.

Your dishwashing detergent is lying to you

I realize that most folks don't read household-item packaging like I do, but, whatever, I do.

This one totally gets under my skin:

SCRAPE YOUR DISHES. DON'T RINSE. THIS DETERGENT IS DESIGNED TO DO THE CLEANING SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

This. Is. Utter. Bullshit.

This has never worked ever. Not once in the history dishes.

Right up there with the Lather, Rinse, Repeat scam, I'm convinced that it's a ploy to make you wash your dishes twice, using twice as much detergent.

I rail against the dishwashing industrial complex.

This purchase brings me one step closer

TO MAKING MY OWN PUDDING POPS!!!

I have an addiction

And, by publicly shaming myself, I hope to overcome it.

It's pajama pants.

As I organized my drawers and closet, I realized that my addiction is far more serious than I thought.

These are pics of the ones that I found. They do not include the ones in the hamper.

Sad, sad, sad. 

There's got to be treatment for this.

Being my boyfriend is sometimes harder than it looks

But I like to think it's worth it. Whether he does or not, I'm not sure.

Poor Grant

Makes it onto the $50 bill and they still leave that thing on his face.