Because "doorstop" sounds too erudite...

I give you the STOPPY™!

Sigh. 

Action Pants!

This is, by far, the funniest thing I've seen lately.

(And, truth be told, Action Pants would make a pretty bad-ass nickname.)

THE COMBINATION OF THE ACTION ZONE, THE DOG WHO'S STARING
AT THE ACTION ZONE, AND THE PHRASE "SNACK SACK" ARE
PURE GOLD.

Something that will just never, ever ring my bell

Men in flip-flops.

I know that's a double standard because I, myself, wear flip-flops a lot.

But I also take care of my feet. And I have my toenails painted. And I don't show my feet until they're showable.

Man feet are a mixed bag. Most of the time, they're not... good.

Am I alone in this?

"Practice"

I saw these at Sally Beauty Supply.

So many jokes. So. Many. Jokes.  So many horrible, awful, filthy jokes.

What's the point

of using the term Salt and Pepper Hair?

Pepper is black and white.

Why isn't it just Pepper Hair?

Noodle on that!

Creepasaurus Rex!

There is a person with whom I have to interact pretty much daily (not a coworker).

He's weird around women. Not weird as in awkward. Weird as in something really is not right with him. It's a gee-I-hope-he-has-no-idea-where-I-live kind of weirdness.  

Once, he told me that working with a certain group of women was like "dealing with strippers" because "strippers take advantage of you."

[And, really, isn't that just commerce? She'll gyrate for/on you if you pay her enough money to do so. There's no gray area there.]

And when a woman told him that she recently lost $800 in Vegas, he responded with "You were in Vegas. You should have just worked it off."

[shudder]

But this is the kicker. In a discussion with two acquaintances of mine (one male, one female), he mentioned the fact that he used to work in women's fashion. Not a big deal. But, after awhile, he came out with this gem: "You know, when you think really hard about it, dealing with women and their clothing is a lot like being a gynecologist."

What. The. FUCKINGFUCKDOESTHATEVENFUCKINGMEAN?

One of these days, they're going to find mummified women and cats in his basement.

Here's to not being one of them.

Cheers!

The zombie apocalypse is here, you just haven't noticed

It's here.

It's just not what you think a zombie apocalypse should look like.

When I see people adopt stupidity as a lifestyle, I see it.

When women affect that creepy baby voice (Where every sentence ends with the upward inflection of a question? Even when it's not a question? In every conversation?), I see it.

Honey Boo-Boo? I see it.

Kardashian anything? I see it.

Because what is zombification, really, other than a brain dying? Granted, in zombie movies, it happens quickly, but the brain dies and the body still moves around. 

Brains are dying. Slowly. Bodies are still moving around.

Arm yourself with a book and an NPR broadcast or two.

It's coming for you.

Reminder

Be kinder to folks than you feel on any given day.

Chances are, they're going through their own struggles, and your small kindness might be the one thing that makes a tough day easier.

Let the ripples you make in life good ones and they will come back to you.

That was my small public service announcement.

I'll go back to being catty and bitchy tomorrow. :)

TLC programming

As I flipped through the channels last night (instead of doing laundry), I ran across an interesting entry.

The "Learning Channel" strikes again.

I posted this pic on Facebook, and one of my friends insisted that it was really quite an interesting show. So I watched.

I lasted five minutes. Those are five minutes of my life I'll never get back. Once this poor fella explained his... um... toilet practices, I was out.

They filmed him in his entirety and merely pixelated the footage of his gigantic scrotum. But you knew what you were looking at. When he goes out in public, he... uh... dresses it up by zipping a hoodie around it.

It's a tragic circumstance, and, supposedly, the show was about the removal of said ginormous scrotal sac. But it was more leering than that. It was too sad to watch.

Duff, of course, had a very pragmatic response to this: "132 pounds? I think I might have made a trip to the doctor at four pounds." 

TLC has become a sad, sad channel. I saw that EXTREME COUGAR WIVES was an offering last week (did not tune in; not even for five minutes).

We get creepier and creepier as a nation each year.

Target is all about balance

I'm sure that one hothouse tomato will completely counteract any ill effects from the microwavable bacon.

Gives me a heebie-jeebies every time I drive past

On my way home each night, I pass by a hot tub store with a huge sign: 

USED HOT TUB SALE!


There's no fucking way you could ever get one of those things clean enough. Ever.

[Shudder]

Is it that bad?

I really don't feel like I expect too much. You do your job. I'll do mine. I'll try not to ruin your day. Try not to ruin mine.

That's not too much to ask, is it?

But an intern just approached me with a question.

His hands were shaking.

Now I feel like a mean old lady.

Sigh.

Really, Pinterest?

I get it.

It's a maxi dress.

It's splattered with paint/dye.

The name is UNACCEPTABLE!

I hope she already has a fella

Because I don't know how many suitors she's going to attract with what she's got goin' on here.

I KNOW IT'S HARD TO READ, BUT IT SAYS SIZE MATTERS.

Feet on the desk

I don't get it.

I've tried it. It's not comfortable. At all. And the shoes you're putting on your desk have also walked across the tiles in the restroom. *Shudder* But I walk by offices and see folks doing it all the time.

I think people grow up watching cartoon bosses doing it on TV and simply adopt the action to appear more authoritative and bosslike.

It doesn't work, but since when does that make a difference?

That's my new theory.  I'm running with it.

One of the most annoying aspects of amazon.com

When stupid people write book reviews.

It never fails.

You scroll down and inevitably see something like:

"I got all the way to the end and discovered there was no point." [In regard to a CLASSIC]

"The characters have low morals." 

"I finished this only because I don't like to leave books unfinished."

Or, my personal favorite:

"This product never made it to my house. So I can't review it."

So fucking annoying.

Sweet and tart huevos

I love these things...

But this kind of makes me want to hork.

What made me laugh on Friday

In the kitchen, one of my coworkers was industriously washing an apple.

With soap.

For quite awhile.

He turned to me and said You have to be extra careful when you wash fruit that comes from Whole Foods.

Then he whispered conspiratorially: DIRTY HIPPIES!

:D

Writing it down and posting it will keep me honest

I've chosen this month as my buy-nothing-for-myself month.

I can buy food, experiences, cleaning products, etc. But I can't buy books, clothes, jewelry, random doo-dads, etc.

It saves money, and it resets my brain on want vs. need.

If I really want something, I write it down. Usually, at the start of the following month, I decide that I really don't need what I've written down.

And if I tell y'all about it, I have to follow through.

It's a good idea. I highly recommend it.

Full disclosure

I once made fun of people who bought the Sodastream soda maker.

I am now one of those people.

I'm prepared to be mocked.

Random signs of the apocalypse

These are random WTF pictures that reside in my phone as a reminder of what a weird world we live in. They don't have any relation to each other outside of their WTFitude. (BTW: The captions are in all caps because they're just easier to read that way--the formatting is a little small for my taste and my aging eyes. I promise I'm not shouting at you.)

DRIVE-THRU PSYCHIC READINGS! $10 SPECIAL!

SOMEBODY HEARD "SMOOTH MOVE, EX-LAX" IN HIGH SCHOOL AND
WAS INSPIRED TO NAME THIS PRODUCT. BRILLIANT.

NO HIGH SCHOOL LOCKER NEEDS SHAG CARPET AND A FREAKING CHANDELIER.

GROSS. JUST GROSS.

THIS BULLSHIT BACKWARD SPELLING OF HEAVEN IS FINALLY POPULAR
ENOUGH TO WARRANT PERSONALIZED ITEMS.
END OF WORLD. PERIOD.

REALLY? PEOPLE ARE NAMING THEIR CHILDREN ANGELINA?
I FUCKING GIVE UP.

I'VE POSTED THIS PICTURE BEFORE. I JUST THINK IT BEARS REPOSTING.
POOR, POOR DOG.

IF YOU DON'T NEED A PET OR SHOES OR A SHIRT TO GET IN TO THIS SUSHI BAR, WHAT DO YOU NEED?

THE NAME OF THIS SALAD HAS ALWAYS CONCERNED ME.
THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL I'M EATING ANYTHING AT CHILI'S THAT HAS THE WORD EXPLOSION
IN THE NAME. EATING AT CHILI'S IS ENOUGH TO TEMPT FATE IN THAT ARENA.

THIS REALLY IS THE MOST UNFORTUNATE POSE TO STRIKE DURING A CHAT
WITH THE PHARMACIST. HE KEPT HIS HAND THERE FOR A GOOD TEN MINUTES.