Halloween

I've decided I don't like being ugly on Halloween.

Though last year's photo proves I'm good at being ugly on Halloween.

MAYBE A LITTLE TOO GOOD

And I never bought in to the sexy hamburger/cookie monster/nurse/school teacher schtick.

One year, a friend and I dressed up as new ZIMA flavors (I was Bleu Cheese ZIMA and she was Sour Cream and Chives ZIMA).

THAT was fun, but we didn't win the costume contest.

This year, I kind of phoned it in with a T-shirt, a pair of scissors, and a Pinterest account. 

And then I realized what Halloween is all about. It's not the costumes. It's not about being scary or sexy or lazy.

It's. About. The Candy.

Thank God for the candy.

I don't know why Linus doesn't go on stage in It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! and make a speech about candy that ends with "And that's what Halloween is all about, Charlie Brown."

Worked in the Christmas special. 

I'm off to find a Twix!

I question the safety

Of a fellow commuter I saw on the road this morning.

She had a dream-catcher hanging from her rearview mirror.

Unless it catches daydreams (also a little dangerous in a moving vehicle), it seems to support sleeping behind the wheel.

Unless she had someone sleeping in the backseat.

Or she lives in that car and sleeps in it at night.

How does a dream-catcher work, anyway? It's not like a USB drive where you can retrieve them later.

Clearly, I'm thinking too hard about this.

I am my own worst distraction.

Want your dog to look and feel like a jackass?

Get thee to TJ Maxx post haste!!

Time to do a little braggin' on myself

Ohhhhhhh yeah!

It's been a rough few months

So when I see something funny, I feel compelled to share it.

Yesterday, I ran across an article featuring Kim Kardashian's Most Profound Quotes.

I won't list them all here, but I will post my favorites.

I hate it when women wear the wrong foundation color, it might be the worst thing on the planet when they wear their makeup too light. Forget hunger, war, and disease. We've found the very WORST thing on the planet.

I always put clothes and family photos under the mattress, in case the house burns down. Proof that she does not know HOW. FIRE. WORKS.

I hate to talk about myself. Well, obviously.

I think if I'm 40 and I don't have any kids and I'm not married, I would have a baby artificially inseminated. I would feel like Mary - like Jesus is my baby. Fertility doctors--world's second oldest profession?

If you can fix a problem with money, it's not really a problem. No words.

I love fortune cookies! I soooooooooo believe in every fortune! Um...

I don't like big balls on dogs. Okay...

I'm also obsessed with Q-tips. I use them, minimum, 5 times a day. Q-Tips, upon hearing this glowing recommendation, immediately cancelled all of its future marketing campaigns. No need for advertising anymore! We've got the Kardashian Seal of Approval!

There you have it, folks! Little pearls of wisdom from someone who makes more in a year than you'll make in your entire career.

New beginnings

Some of you might have noticed a lack of something in this blog over the past few months.

There have been no "Beau" posts.

And that's because it's over.

He ended it in an email (after the better part of a decade) and quite possibly had someone else all along.

Which was pretty brutal and cruel and hurtful.

But I'm almost glad it happened that way. Because it's so utterly black and white now that there's no feeling (other than hurt feelings) left.

And it made me realize how many kind, thoughtful, amazing people I have in my life. So, in being "alone," I've discovered that I'm not alone at all. Which is a great feeling. 

So, on to better days, new adventures, and--a little down the road--someone who is good and funny and kind to me.

GOOD STORIES AND SNARKY NEW ADVENTURES TO COME!

Because we all deserve good stories. 

What brought me joy in the Chipotle parking lot

This little army guy wired to the front of a Jeep.

GO JOE!

I dunno, can I?

A message so nice, they sent it twice.

Will someone tell me what pleasance is? I feel like I'm missing out.

Oh, forty...

A coworker came by and told me that a team might need my hands in a photo shoot on Friday morning (it's not as glamorous as it sounds; it happens a lot around here).

But this time, it's different.

The coworker in question sweetened the deal with this:

"They were going to use Jane's hands, but her hands are too young."

That's right, folks. I am a possible old-lady hand model.

Yay, forty! You're treatin' this old broad welllllllll. :D

If a dream is a wish your heart makes...

A menu must be the cheesse steak sandwish your tummy makes.

Found this in an old Bennigan's near the airport that they renamed Vinny's--and left everything else exactly the same. The experience was... disconcerting.

These ain't your garden-variety gnomes

Last night, I went to a Halloween lover's house, and she had the cutest zombie gnome on her front porch.

I just put up Halloween lights over the weekend. A zombie gnome would be the PERFECT touch (and, let's face it, I'd leave it up all year).

So today I went on Amazon.com in an effort to find one of my own. I didn't find the one she had, but I'm awfully fond of this one. He might be The One. The zombie gnome I'll be with forever.

THE LITTLE ZOMBIE DOG IS JUST TOO CUTE.

But there were other options.

SHE WAS JUST A LITTLE TOO... EVERYTHING.

SAME GOES FOR THIS FELLA.

Of course, it turns out, there are other directions I could have taken this.

SELF-DECAPITATING GNOME.

ADORABLE BIRD-FLIPPIN' GNOME.

SQUATTING GNOME (SO MUCH CONCENTRATION!).

SQUATTING, BIRD-FLIPPIN' GNOME.

LITERATE, POOPING GNOME.

PANTSLESS, POLE-DANCING GNOME.

And... uh...

THERE ARE NO WORDS.

One simple trick

My friend Heidi warned me that, the minute I turned 40, the suggested posts on my facebook page would become extremely insulting.

She was so right.

But I did learn One Simple Trick to revive my skin.

Place the After picture IN FRONT OF the Before picture!

GENIUS!!!

Sounds delicious.

EDIBLE Cooked Carrots!

I knew you could cook them, but EDIBLE? I had no idea.

Sign me up!

Two thoughts

1. It's just a shame these two kids couldn't make it work.

2. More couples need romantic glamour shots next to toilets. 

Dear CNN,

I think it might be time to redefine BREAKING NEWS.

I trust her dinner-party advice blindly, but...

I'm a little iffy on Martha Stewart branded vitamins. 

Though I do love that she consented to put her name and face on something that helps you poop.

 

Who thought this was a good idea? 

If there's no dead bird in the house, why would you want the house to smell like dead bird?

(I know I'm on hiatus, but I figure I'll post something when the mood hits for now. Not every day. Things are a little stupid in my life these days. Most of the time, I'm not feelin' it. Today, I am.)

After dinner the other night, a friend and I encountered this window display.

Why would you want your house to smell like turkey and dressing if there were NO turkey and dressing to be had?

It's cruel.

It's weird.

It's... also in the store where I found the 2x4 sawdust-scented candle, so never mind. I forgot that logic does not apply in the Yankee Candle universe.