My favorite conversation today

My phone rings.

Hello?

Hey! Can you do me a favor? 

Sure, what's up?

You know that discussion we had about how hard it is to write when you're on the medication I'm on? 

Um, no, we never had that conversation. 

We didn't? Oh, well it really is hard. Can you look at something for me if I send it to you? 

Sure.

I love imaginary medication convos.

What not to say to an editor's daughter (or anybody's daughter, really)

One of my dear friends is an editor who has three beautiful, lively children.

At the checkout at Whole Foods, the checker leaned over and asked my friend's young daughter "How are you doing today?"

"I'm good, thank you," she politely replied.

The checker leaned back, raised an eyebrow, and said "You mean you're doing well." And then, THEN he/she (I forget which) turned to my friend and said "Looks like someone needs a grammar lesson."

What. The. Fuck?

Immediately, the checker got an earful regarding the fact that her daughter was absolutely in the right with her answer (g'head, click the link. I'll wait.).

And, honestly, it's not so much that the checker was wrong about the grammar that irritates me. It's the fact that any stranger would be such an asshole on so many levels. To. A. Child.


I know, I know, a number of parents have told me many stories about strangers giving unsolicited parenting advice, but I just can't get over how rude it is.

Ok, vent over. You can go on with your lives.

The most annoying person at Trader Joe's

It's the woman (it's ALWAYS a woman) who parks her cart and herself in front of one of the freezer cases and will. not. move. until she's damn-well good and ready.

She doesn't want you even LOOKING at the food in that case until she's done looking.

Because you MIGHT just see that she's looking at the chocolate mochi and take all of it??? (BTW: Mochi = totally overrated.)

And she takes forever. Every single item must be perused. And the packages that garner more attention... get it.

She won't move the cart, she won't move her ass. It's infuriating.

If you're one of these women, you are the bane of my existence.

Please shop early in the mornings so we can avoid each other entirely.

Dear Captain Obvious

Thank you ever so much for letting me know that the bag of cashews I just bought CONTAINS CASHEW (just south of the ingredients list, which also lists cashews).

Random pieces of info/opinions

• Carmex Everyday Healing Cream is great hand lotion. Not greasy. Absorbs quickly. And it smells like Carmex.
• Take probiotics. They will change your life. 
• If you're going to set up an online dating profile, don't include your pet raccoon in the profile pic. 
• The new podcast Serial is gooooood (especially for fans of This American Life).
• Drinking at least 64 oz. of water a day is really, really good for you.
• Vaseline is the best moisturizer ever. 
• Wear sunscreen. 
• Using the Target Cartwheel app in tandem with the Target Card (provided you pay it off every month) saves big bucks.
• This one is for the fellas. On a first date, don't tell the woman your salary, mention that you're really into traditional gender roles, and then ask her if she's a good cook. That's creepy.
• If your nose is really raw from allergies or a cold, diaper-rash ointment is the best cure. 
• On weeknights, you should pick alcohol or dessert rather than going with both (makes more of a difference than you think). On weekends, do whatever the hell you want. 
• The best way to read before bed is on a tablet that lights up. That way, you can read in the dark and just pass out without having to turn out the light. 
• Egg noodles with peanut sauce and edamame is a delicious meal that takes 10 minutes. 
• Doodling is a really relaxing pastime.
• Cheap nail polish works better than expensive nail polish. 
• Shampoos with sulfates jack up your hair. Avoid them. 
• Low-fat cheese is never, ever worth it.

The kind of thing you hear when you're late to the party.

A few years ago, I was invited to a ladies' weekend. Most of the other women got away from work at noon and arrived a lot earlier than I did.

So, when I got there, they. were. drunk. Really drunk. Which was fine. None of us was going to drive anywhere. And, as long as didn't set out to catch up that night (always, always, always a bad idea), it was all good.

This was the discussion I had with someone who, I'm sure, did not remember any of it.

Her: Omigod, you're an EDITOR???

Me: Yup.

Her: My friend and I are totally working on a book! It's going to be the best book ever! EVER! Do you want to hear the title?

Me: Of course!

Her: Everybody Shits Their Pants! Wanna hear what it's about?

Me: Is it about someone shitting their pants?

Her: YES! Yes it is!! Because our theory is that everybody shits their pants. And if they say they haven't shit their pants as an adult, they're either lying or they're ABOUT to shit their pants! Because everybody shits their pants. So that's the title.

Me: So is it about the fact that people lie about shitting their pants?

Her: No, that's stupid. It's stories we're collecting from friends and strangers about times when they've shit their pants. It's gonna be so good. Do you have a good shityerpants story?

Me: I have so many great ones, I'd have take some time to make a choice. Can I get back to you? 

Her: Of course! Cool. I'll come find you later.

And I didn't see her for the rest of the night.

And I have yet to see the book on Amazon (you can bet your shitty pants I check from time to time). So there's still time to get your shitty stories in there, folks!

I love a good conspiracy theory

But I usually like them because they're fun.

But then I get on Facebook and realize that some people live their lives as conspiracy theorists and it makes me sad and tired.

Here's the one I heard this morning:

• Ebola can be caught through the air, period. 
• The level of denial going on due to the level of confidence people have in their prized media is the scariest thing happening right now. 
• They got you convinced that ISIS can spread and not Ebola. Perfect for them. 
• CDC owns patents on ebola.
• Monsanto and the DOD that are teaming up to provide the cure. 
• We. Are. All. Sheep. 

And then this individual went on to call our president Barack Ebola, so you know it's legit.

Entertaining until you realize some people believe this shit. Then it's downright scary.