Tips on how to stop... you know... Doing That

My friend Bob sent this to me for laughs. It's real, which makes it that much funnier. My comments will follow (of course).

STEPS IN OVERCOMING MASTURBATION
From The Mormon Council of the 12 Apostles

Be assured that you can be cured of your difficulty. Many have been, both male and female, and you can be also if you determine that it must be so.

A Guide to Self-Control

1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes.
2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company.
3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THE FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things.
4. When you bathe, do not admire yourself in a mirror. Never stay in the bath more than five or six minutes -- just long enough to bathe and dry and dress AND THEN GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM and into a room where you will have a member of your family present.
5. When in bed, if that is where you have your problem for the most part, dress yourself for the night so securely that you cannot easily touch your vital parts and so that it would be difficult and time consuming for you to remove those clothes. By the time you started to remove protective clothing you would have sufficiently controlled your thinking that the temptation would leave you.
6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED AND GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND FIX YOURSELF A SNACK, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry, and despite your fears of gaining weight. The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE.
7. Never read pornographic material. Never read about your problem. Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act."
8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books -- Church books.
9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep it in your mind more than ever. KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVER -- NOT IN CONVERSATION WITH OTHERS, NOT IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT OUT of your mind!

My Thoughts:

• Regarding step 1: what's a normal toilet process? 
• You're not supposed to be alone, but you can't be friends with anybody who Does That. However, contrary to what you might hear, EVERYBODY Does That. It's a total Catch-22. 
• You can't be in the bathroom. You can't be in the bedroom. You will dwell in the kitchen and the family room for the rest of your life (but only if other family members are there also). 
• Re: dressing in restrictive clothing when going to bed as a preventive measure. Restrictive clothing causes friction, which, in turn, causes... you know.
• If strait-jacket pajamas don't do the trick, you have to get out of the bedroom ASAP and make a snack. EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT HUNGRY. Hmmmmm. I think we've gotten to the heart of the obesity problem here in the U.S. (particularly in the Bible Belt).
• Pray for help, but don't ever pray for help about not Doing That. The church is here to help. 
• Here are nine steps to help you stop Doing That, but don't think about It. Don't mention It. EVER. Even though the nine steps above kind of make you think about It.

STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!!!