And while I'll make my own resolutions and keep them to myself (so that nobody can call me on it when I break them), I've got a list of resolutions that I'd like others to make.
- Lazy bones: No more pajamas in public
- Weirdos: If you've broken a world record for longest fingernails/toenails, cut that shit off and find another hobby
- Fellas: pull up your pants and cinch your belts
- Ladies: if you have a muffin top, go up a size; you'll look thinner as a result
- Dog owners: pick up the poop
- Republicans: resolve not to vote this election (heh, heh, heh)
- People who use an apostrophe to denote pluralism rather than ownership: cut that shit out
- Cell-phone chatterers: Hush. We don't need to hear about your yeast infection while we're trying to buy juice at Target
- Grandma: try. new. restaurants.
- Cats: stop puking on my belongings
- MTV: Cancel Jersey Shore already
- Drivers of rear-wheel-drive vehicles: stay home on snowy days
- Everybody: resolve to laugh a bit more, forgive yourself more, and enjoy more about this sweet but short life
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