For the 6-month-old

Who is confident that she can be happy without a man. 

WTF, Target???

Anthropomorphism part 1

I love finding faces in everyday things. 

Doesn't everybody?

Phone charger

Farm implement

Maple syrup cap

New Years Eve/Hooker Convention

Potato/Potato

My fashion sense

Was deeply ingrained in me long, long ago, as you can clearly see. 

I have GOT to replicate this look. 

People always ask me...

What do you put in your cookies to make them so delicious???

I tell them it's my secret ingredient. 

(Butt makes everything better)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Thanks, Facebook

For thinking my life might somehow be enhanced by knowing if complete strangers on the Internet think I'm hot. 

Or not. 

 

I'm thinking of writing a lifestyle book

Titled:  How to Get a Body Like This by Eating Starbucks Snowman Cookies and a Can of Green Beans for Lunch Every Day in the Month of December

The cover will feature a wiiiiiiiide-angle shot of me sitting on the couch with a glass of wine.

I'm thinking it could be a runaway hit.

I could become a publishing phenom!

I think I know what my new 2014 writing project will be!

Right challenge, wrong person

Recently, my grandma (yes, McDonald's Grandma) went to the doctor and got the following news:

You're too thin. I'm lifting all dietary restrictions. Eat full-fat everything. I want you to have gained 15 pounds when you come back for your appointment in two months. 

Mom and I are... to say the least... jealous. But we're totally excited to live vicariously. I bought her a bag of Fun Size Snickers (especially Fun when you have medical permission to eat the whole damn bag in one sitting if you want). Mom immediately took her out for ice cream.

Grandma isn't so thrilled. She spent the whole weekend saying things like "I don't know why my doctor would even say that. It's not like I've been TRYING to lose weight. I just don't know what to do about this."

Clearly, she's bragging.

And she's not going hog-wild on Cheetos binges. She might not have even opened the Snickers bag.

Fucking annoying.

This diagnosis is totally wasted on her.

*I* could hit her goal inside a month! I'm an achiever like that. 

Dammit.

First impressions

It's always interesting to meet someone's significant other....

And then glance down and realize he's wearing a T-shirt he got at a strip club.

#whatdoyouhavetodotoearnatshirt?

What makes it MY tree

I love that all of my favorite ornaments are dedicated to unhealthy foods and general weirdness. 

h

My imagination reels

At the delights and wonders SUPER FIRST CLASS might offer.

It's probably better than being sandwiched between a serape-wearing hipster (that serape covered MY ARMREST) and a farting drunk on a flight delayed until midnight. But I'm just guessing.

Oh yay. It's THAT moment

At a party, I chatted with a nice, flirty early 20-something.

And then I realized... I. Could. Be. His. Mother.

(Or his incredibly sexy aunt.)

Sigh.

Seattle shopping delights

Some of the more interesting things for sale on my trip to the Emerald City.

CUT-RATE CHRISTIANS FOR SALE!

IT'S FUZZY. IT'S CHEWABLE. IT SHOULD NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, BE SWALLOWED. NO THANK YOU.

HEADLIGHTS ARE FOR CARS. CLEAVAGE, APPARENTLY, IS FOR EVERYONE.

AWWWW. BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM VIA UNDERPANTS.

 

WAIT A MINUTE. I TAKE IT BACK. 

United. Now offering direct flights to Middle Earth

Or so I'd prefer to think after spying this hooded hunchback figure at Denver International Airport at midnight last night.

Also, I'm pretty sure the hunchback itself was actually a backpack. 

But you never know. 

Fun cold-weather fact here in Colorado

We can smell a snowstorm coming.

I swear, it's true.

There are a lot of cattle yards in Greeley, Colorado. 

If you live anywhere south of Greeley, and most of us do (Greeley is spitting distance from the Wyoming state line), and a storm blows in from the north....

You can smell the cattle yards.

So, it's true... before our snowstorms hit, they smell like shit.

I'm a poet. I know it.

Looking for work but feeling unqualified?

 

Sometimes it's hard to find a job that you are 100% qualified for. I say hard, but not impossible.

Can you wave? 

I don't know why, but this sign gave me so much glee!

Just so we're clear

Seasoning IMPROVES the taste.

Do yourself a favor this Thanksgiving weekend

It takes effort, but it's so worth it.

Make this your facebook status for one day:

If you like this status, I will say something nice to you. 

And then, do it. For every single person. 

Sure, it takes time and thought, but, trust me on this one, it's so worth it.

It reminds you that there's good in everyone and that everybody needs a pat on the back.

You will feel so much lighter.

And it's better than standing in line at the ass-crack of dawn to trample others in an effort to buy cheap crap that nobody really needs. 

Do it. You won't be sorry. I promise.

Happy Thanksgiving, friends! I am thankful for you!!

Thanks to comcast...

After I spend time loathing myself for my hideous wrinkles, I can relieve my anxiety and depression.

I'm no homesteader, but...

I'm pretty sure they didn't have frozen veggies, instant taters, and Cheez Whiz out there on the prairie. :)

My maturity at its finest

I was browsing the app store a week or two ago and found a game called Plague Inc. It's a weird game where you ARE the virus/disease/plague/etc.

The goal is to be virulent enough to take over/destroy the world.

But here's the best part. You get to name the virus/disease/plague/etc.

I find it most enjoyable to name it after ex-boyfriends who break up via email, someone who was nasty to me in the office, or a filibustering Republican congressman.

Because it's fun to get game updates that say Ted Cruz has given India diarrhea or that the whole world is now focused on a cure for Ted Cruz.

Yup, I'm all growns up!

Wrap your mind around this

I'm on a party-planning committee at work. The person in charge of the food said that the restaurant we'll be at could make the deviled eggs vegetarian by leaving off the caviar garnish.

So... chicken eggs are vegetarian, but fish eggs are not?

Because a lot of vegetarians will occasionally eat fish, but they don't casually eat chicken. 

So why are chicken embryos acceptable and fish embryos unacceptable?

Boggles mah mind. 

Thought about egg salad for lunch

But, apparently, that would call for formal wear.

This might be my favorite breaking news story ever

God bless you, CNN.

Toronto's City Council voted to strip embattled Mayor Rob Ford of most of his powers after a tumultuous meeting in which Ford also apparently accidentally knocked down a council member during a break.

Ford said in a weekend interview with CNN's Bill Weir that he would have admitted to smoking crack cocaine long before he did if someone had asked him the right question. He repeated his insistence that he would remain in office and let voters decide his fate next year.

This has got to be my favorite news story of the year.

May The Force be with you, Rob Ford.

It's smurf-colored

And named after shoe leather.

Yum. 

Maybe we can top it off with some of this appetizing stuff. 

I've found the perfect way to wear skinny jeans

Buy them three sizes too big and cinch them at the waist.

Voila!

I know that this, technically, defeats the purpose of skinny jeans, but screw it. These look GREAT on me!

Charlie Sheen's guardian angel, maybe?

Went to a craft show with mom. She likes them, there ARE handmade items, and the goods and folks are funny (whether they mean to be or not).

Take these "guardian angels" for example. Look at how THRILLED they are to follow you around and keep you out of harm's way!

"i care about you, mostly. i am thrilled to keep you from harm, i guess."

Look at how HAPPY these blessings are!

"blessings to you. nothing gives me more joy than bringing blessings to you, i guess."

Look at the POWER OF BELIEF!!

"i am contractually obligated to believe. i totally believe."

I think we've found a new holiday spokesman for electric shavers and/or razor blades! 

SHAVE THE MAGIC!!!

If you're looking for a festive, yet classy, holiday scent for your home, look no further than this!!!

Three words that don't really go together: Butt, Nekkid, and SOY.

And then, sigh. There's this little piece of WTF.

No. Fucking. Words.

I'm so amazed by the end of my emotional deterioration my unforgivable garagedoor sin.

www.what-would-i-say.com

Go to there.

This website scans all of your facebook statuses (stati?) and mashes them up into complete gibberish that's so much more fun than anything you ever wrote in the first place.

I had a field day with this.

Here are some of my favorites.

• I've got a porcupine for purple corduroy pants.
• It's a bottle of bacon.
• My faith in humanity is bigger than she is.
• Why do they always put her own Pokemon balloon to the eyes of the newly rebuilt Big Tex.
• I can't see real damn pants!
• Night of bleeding one breakup per day is home to one of working on my faith in humanity is Hipster Uber creepy.
• My faith in the big bottle of Eddie Vedder.
• Sunset in your pants, shapeless tunics, and everything had to.
• I can't get anywhere near advertising.
• BTW, Kyle, If *I* was the return of Bald, Barefoot Britney Spears broke off to take a picture.
• Northface jacket, mini cupcakes and make them to ask for NICOLE and the cat settled for a woman in the crosshairs, it's GAME today, I really big sign today Sexy Women who among us has never gets all the day.
• Made me feel a DONUT ornament. Is the government is watching my shit about why the lights up, and she's thrilled to wear a watermelon catapult… that began the crazy life who needs dinner when someone asks how long way in construction traffic and seeing this looker.

So there!

I encountered evil on Sunday evening

And it came in the form of cheddar-flavor cheese product alternative.

[shudder]

Bottoms up!

On Sunday, I went to lunch with my grandma and my folks.

Grandma, as I've chronicled many times before in this blog, has a very stringent list of acceptable (to her) restaurants.
McDonald's
Black Eyed Pea
The Olive Garden
Country Buffet
And her favorite Chinese restaurant

Do. Not. Deviate. From. The. List. 

Grandma has gone to this nondescript suburban strip-mall Chinese restaurant for YEARS. And it's fine, as long as you don't order the seafood.

What I love about this place is the drink menu. It's four pages long, and none of the drinks have descriptions. You just have to pick a name and run with it.

I'm not an alcohol novice, but I've never seen a lot of these. Some sound downright gross (Brandy Milk Punch, anyone?).

Here, we have the entire Collins family well represented. Along with the uber-yummy sounding Bloody Bill, Broken Leg, and Brown Velvet.

On this page, you can get a Hooker and a Fast Screw for a mere $5.50 each (penicillin not included).

I also wonder who Freddy Fudpucker and Kim are. 

Not feeling rushed? You can also order a Slow Screw. Or a Slow Poke, if you like. And here, the Rob Roys are SWWEET and you can slam a White Lady at the bar.

I've hidden the name and face to protect the innocent...

But, folks, please think before you type. Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease. :)

Disturbing thought

A kitchen full of stainless steel sous chefs. Thanks, KitchenAid. 

Something awesome you'll find in the kitchen? My friend Amy found this while she cooked with her three-year-old. :)

Strange bedfellows

Also, I love the creepiness of the ice cream cake shaped like a dead turkey. 

Yum!!